Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Dear Hopeless Readers...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
What happened to the sweet, man loving sex machine that we all loved and adored in Ireland. Has life out of college really driven you to such an extreme? What can I do to avoid the same fate, to say nay to chocolate as a chemical substitute for the female?I hope the real Amanda (if she is still in there) only booked one ticket to Ireland and left the bitter variety at home.

Dear Hopeless Readers,
While you can't believe every accusation printed about celebrities, a small portion of the above letter is true. I am going to Ireland, and will be gone for the next 10 days. It's time for a vacation. Mark, I'm always the Real Amanda...while I only booked one ticket, you never know when Bitter Amanda will rear her bitter head. It's an adventure!
So, kids, you'll have to manage without me for a bit. I'll answer the rest of your sad letters when I get home.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Dear Gassy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am currently studying abroad in Paris and I have noticed that the French rules on PDA are quite different from America. In the states, holding hands is often where the line is drawn, whereas I have seen several French couples unabashedly making out all over the place! This includes the metro, street corners, restaurants, parks, need I continue? In exercising my bitterness, I've started making little fart sounds when I walk by, hoping to break the ambiance and make one if not both of them slightly confused and disgusted. Is this impolite? Do you have a better suggestion? How would you deal with your bitterness in these situations?
Yours truly,
tiny fart

Dear Gassy,
Impolite? Is making farting noises at happy couples impolite? YES! Of course it is! There are few things less sexy than farting. So naturally, I must applaud you! I approve! We should go eat ice cream together!
I cannot improve upon your methods; only teach you some of mine to expand your arsenal. Shouting out inappropriate/unsexy things such as 'syphilis' is always a classic. Gagging noises are a subtle and classy way to let the amorous couple know that their display is unappreciated. And if you're not looking for subtlety, throw things. Small things, mind you. (Lawsuits blah blah blah.)
You keep fighting the good fight, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dear Haylie Duff...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
My little sister - and by little I mean 23 yrs old- just moved back home after living for a year overseas. I'm so happy to have her around! But she's been home for maybe three days, and she already has a date! I've lived here for three YEARS without so much as a hey-you-wanna-grab-a-cup-of-coffee-?. What gives?
Signed, Big Sis

Dear Haylie Duff,
Little sisters often forget the pecking order when it comes to dating. Sure, it looks glamorous, but you wait for your older sister to get some before you go out looking for it! It's the natural way of things, dammit.
Practice slipping the following sentences into casual conversation. "*Little Sister* is quite graceful, considering she has a peg leg. Like Captain Hook, that one..." "Yeah, *Little Sister* has such a lovely'd never guess it's not the one she was born with. " Or, the vague, "*Sigh.* It's too bad about *Little Sister*..." You can also customize a flyer like the one below, for additional help.
Then, go out in public with her frequently. You'll just look that much hotter. Because nobody thinks a rabid raccoon mauled YOUR face.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS- Boys are notoriously lame about asking girls out. And about everything else in life, other than like...making inappropriate remarks and getting the high score on their Wii. Don't take it personally.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Dear Flavorless...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have been left on national television three times. Yes, you read that correctly: three times. THRREEEEEEEEEE TIMMMMMMMMEEEEES. I'm becoming bitter. What should I do?
-Not everyone loves New York

Dear Flavorless,
Wow. So much to say, so little time...
First of all, princess, start by getting your ass off national television. If an animal runs into an electric fence once, you can bet they won't run at it again--three times. Dating reality shows are your own personal electric fence. Learn the lesson!
Second, surround yourself with a higher caliber of men. I know, this may seem like an impossible feat. But you have got some bad taste. Stop going after the same kind of man repeatedly--again, it's like that damned electric fence!
Learn the lessons.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Dear Self One Year Ago...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm a listless loser--jobless and pointless--living in a suburb known for its uncanny ability to suck people in like a black hole and keep them there until one day they wake up with bed sores on their asses and tears in their eyes. Anyway, I need to know the secret code for escape from such a place. How am I, someone without resources, to break free from this mindnumbingly boring place without afixing jumper cables to my ears and turning the engine over???
Braindead in Boringville

Dear Self One Year Ago,
I did not think Bitter Amanda of the Past could send letters to Bitter Amanda of the Present. Since this is just not possible (and if it is, it's just freaking weird...and I am in no mood to be inspiration for the next sci-fi thriller) I can only assume that you are perhaps a recent college grad? And that maybe things aren't turning out quite the way your commencement speaker made it sound? They are, I've figured out, notorious liars.
"The whole world is at your doorstep. You can do anything you want. You are on the brink of the best years of your life!" All that crap. What they should be saying is, "The whole world is at the doorstep of your parent's house, where you will live until you can afford to leave. You can do anything you want, as long as you want to do some part-time work that isn't necessarily related to your degree, because that booming economy you hear about sometimes? Is nowhere near where you live. You are on the brink of leaving the best years of your life, since nothing will ever be as much fun or as interesting as college."
Damn, I'd write a good speech. But the answer you're looking for? Not so much. Find something that amuses you, even if it's...oh, say...making fun of people. Then at least you'll have one bright spot in your day.
Good luck, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Dear Braggart...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
My girlfriend hogs the bed every night and every time I try to move her she's like dead weight. I've tried talking to her about this but it never seems to help. WHAT DO I DO?
-Tired and Squished.

Dear Braggart,
Oh, poooooor you. "I have someone to sleep with every single night but that's just not good enough for me!" Blah blah blah.
I'll tell you what you do, precious. You go to bed first and pretend like she's an attacking bear. Make yourself as large as possible to scare her away. I'm not an expert on animals, but I think the method for cougars is also applicable here...throw things at her. Or, if you don't want anyone to make a call to the police about a domestic dispute, you could treat her like a raccoon taking up residence in your home. Leave a window or door open and she should find her way out by morning.
I know your lady isn't a wild animal (ok, I hope your lady isn't a wild animal...) but I think these ought to do the trick. Good thing my dad used to teach me about outdoor safety in northern Michigan!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Dear Marty Stouffer...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
What happens to the poor love-sick swan when she discovers that her true love is just a heap of plywood and plastic?
The guy who designed the boat should be shot--poor innocent water fowl.
xoxo, Wildlife Enthusiast

Dear Marty Stouffer,
That is lame! What kind of loser does that? I'll tell you. A man. There is no other explanation. I'd like to agree with you on his fate, but I probably shouldn't encourage serious crimes here. Instead, I'll say that he should be presented with many beautiful women, only to discover that they're life-sized dolls. With Barbie-style lower halves. HA! Sucks to be that guy.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda