Sunday, January 13, 2008

Dear Lifetime Movie...

Dearest Bitter Amanda,
So, this guy I know asked me out over email (he didn't have my number.) And I was on the fence about it, he seems like a nice guy but not really my type. So I decided: go out with him once, if it's awkward then it ends there, if not then maybe I have a shot of finally getting laid. Well, our schedules were completely opposite, we never got a chance to go out, so we continued with small talk over email. Well, the last email I got from him casually mentioned the following:

"I am moving out of my wonderful new place because my roommate had a psychotic episode and tried to choke me and shoot me so I will be busy next weekend moving. I am never doing the roommate thing again. Time to find a new place. Anyhow..."

Umm, how am I supposed to react to that? I've only met him twice in person, we haven't been emailing each other for that long, and AWKWARD!! I mean, I'm glad he survived his ordeal, and I would have understood if it was worded more like "I had the scariest weekend ever..." but he talks about it like it's the weather. How am I supposed to respond? Now I think he's weird for reacting so casually to the entire episode, and who wants to date a weirdo? But I also desperately need to get laid. What's a horny girl to do?
Confused and Celibate (but not by choice)
(PS. When I saw him in person before he asked me out he was talking about his "wonderful new place", and it was almost like he was waiting for me to go "hey, you should invite me over sometime so I can see it." Glad I didn't take the bait on that one.)

Dear Lifetime Movie,
I don't have very many good things to say about men, but I will go out on a limb and give them this one: they never cease to amaze. Their illogical and head-scratching behavior really keeps the mystery alive, at the very least. I suspect that with his roommate sob story, he was going for sympathy and wanted your maternal instincts to kick in so you'd fawn all over him. (Typical.) And he's trying to appear manly and strong by passing it off as a very casual near-death experience. (Again, typical.)
Regarding his date invite, you sound pretty apathetic towards him. (You didn't even give him your number!) And horny or not, you don't want to be apathetic towards a boyfriend. Quite frankly, they are too irritating and too much work to only feel "ehhh."
You have to worry about a guy who can't recognize a batshit-crazy roommate when he has one. I'm not saying this guy is batshit-crazy, but you probs want to sleep with a better judge of character.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda