Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dear Meg Ryan...

Bitter Amanda...

So, there is this angry-dude who is convinced his girlfriend is sleeping with my neighbor. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, I don't know and honestly don't really care. However, angry-dude enjoys showing up at all hours of the night, screaming "open the f&#!*ing door now!" while trying to body slam his way into the apartment. Usually, but the time I wake up and realize what the banging is, the angry-dude is wishing STD's upon everyone and storming off.

Either he is smart, and doesn't stay long enough for anyone to call the police, or pretty-boy neighbor is intelligent, refuses to open the door, and threatens to call the police if angry-dude doesn't go away.

I'm torn between calling the police and minding my own business. From the sounds of it, pretty-boy neighbor has no intention of confronting angry-dude and keeps the door closed and locked. He's also a fully grown man and hopefully capable of calling the police on his own if he thinks they are needed. However, I don't want angry-dude to show up one day and successfully break his way into pretty-boy's apartment - I'll feel horribly guilty if something happened and I did nothing. Then again, I don't want to get involved, and my neighbor should be old enough to deal with his own problems.

I'd also really like to get a good nights sleep. Angry-dude has sort of been interrupting it.


Sleepless in a City That's Not Seattle

Dear Meg Ryan,
Classic male behavior. Childish and jealous and absolutely devoid of any consideration for anyone other than himself. And then he wonders why his girlfriend might move on to another man. Like I said, classic.
Setting aside any thoughts on your neighbor and what he should do (like, say, man up and talk to this guy?) let's focus on you. By my calculations, you have three options for dealing with this precious gem of a man. First choice is to talk to your neighbor. Tell him that you hate to butt in, but the little problem at his door every night is disrupting your life. Second option would be to call the police. Yeah, yeah...nobody likes to be That Person. But if you don't want to deal with your neighbor (or if he doesn't want to deal with you) it's perfectly legal to call and say there's a noise disturbance. Anonymously. (You can totally do that. Don't ask how I know.) Behind door number three? Maybe this unsavory gentleman is available!

Nope, I don't feel good about that. Stick to one or two.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dear Magic Pants...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I am in love with my yoga pants. From the moment I first put them on I knew they were The One. They hug in all the right places while hide the flaws of my legs with their dark color. They are not too high at the waist, not too low; just right on the hip. And, they make my butt look amazing. They are Magic Pants. I want to wear them all the time, no other pants will do.

Crazy thing is, I don't even do yoga. Well, ok, I do pilates but it isn't the same thing.

However, I worry that they are too casual for work and other activities that require me to be in public. What should I do?

Ready To Wear

Dear Magic Pants,
This is a serious dilemma. I completely understand the yearning for perfect, comfortable, soft cotton while in the ironed confines of work pants. Trust me, I feel your pain.
I had a friend in college who was getting ready for a presentation. She had to dress nicely but could not find her Adult Pants. Her solution** may help you here. She broke out the iron and put a crease in her pinstriped pajama pants. General theory in our hall stood that if she dressed well otherwise, it would fool her audience.
So, dear, iron a crease in your yoga pants for work. Have a look in the mirror. Are you fooled? If yes, then put on a work shirt and work shoes and you're good to go! If you're not fooled, then put on an inappropriately revealing top so no one will bother to look at your pants. Everyone wins!
Best of luck.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**In the end, she borrowed my Adult Pants and subsequently looked better in them than I did, so I killed her.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Dear Bill Murray...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There's this totally dreamy boy who has told mutual friends that he's in an "open relationship" with a chick out west. That being said, the aforementioned dreamboat is sending some unmistakable signals. I, for one, do not want to get my hopes up for someone who is in a relationship, er, excuse me, I mean "open relationship"... but what exactly does this "open relationship" thing mean!?!?

Lost in Translation

Dear Bill Murray,
It means he can physically cheat on his far-away girlfriend but if it turns emotional she'll get pissed. At least, that's my general take on the subject. I can't say I know of any open relationships that work out well, but hey, I could be wrong. So, if you're involving your hopes, I'd stay away. Because even if he does make it past your Neanderthal Radar, if you get close and his western lady hears him talking about some girl named Bill he hangs out with, she'll get jealous and go crazy and then he'll have to decide if he wants to be with her or you or no one. And regardless of the decision, you won't like it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda