Sunday, October 24, 2010

Dear Patsy Cline...

A friend was telling me how one of her guy friends (Matt*) repeatedly asks her "Hey, do you want to have sex?" since both of them are single. And she always replies no, and has informed him she will always say no. But he continues to ask every now and then. And I pointed out "the worst thing that can happen is you say no. If you don't say no, that means you say yes and he gets laid. It can't hurt for him to ask."
Then we were talking about how its been awhile since I've gotten any action. And she suggested I try the Matt* Method! Just ask someone single "Hey, do you want to have sex?"
I'm kinda thinking about it. If I ask in a half/joking, half/not-joking way I can get laid if they say yes, and pass it off as 'just-joking' if they say no.
Have I gone crazy?
~Just Askin'
*Name changed to protect Paul's actual identity

Dear Patsy Cline,
Yeah, you sort of have.

Not that I don't applaud your out-of-the-box thinking or your determination to keep romance out of this equation. However, I would hardly say the worst case scenario here is a negative response. It's a positive response--to a test at the doctor's office. You have no idea what kind of grossness a random single dude may or may not have. A lady** has to be cautious about who she sleeps with! I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex--go for it, have a good time--but I'm saying there should be a bit more of a screening process before you vacate your undies. Just like, you know, two or three additional questions.
Thanks for checking in on that one.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**Or really anybody.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Dear Superfan...

Dear BA,

So, I've been reading your blog for ages now, and i've always enjoyed the advice you have given other ladies (and men) when they are in a tricky situation. Well i am in a situation myself. I don't know if I went on a date or not. about 9 months ago i started talking to a guy I met on match. We hit it off really well, went out to lunch and then he kind of stopped talking to me. Another guy asked me out and i said yes because well, the match guy disappeared. He showed up a few weeks later but i was already attached.
fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I was dumped, facebook statuses change and match guy starts fb chatting with me again. So we talk a bit and he uses the word "dear" with me, in the context of "yes dear" and "of course dear".
Well he rides motorcycles and i asked him if he would mind having a passenger before the weather got cold and he was for it. So yesterday was our set time to go. he is supposed to call me around 2/3 pm and i don't hear from him until 4. turns out he was in a car accident and his car is totaled but he still wants to go for a ride. So he shows up and we are getting ready to leave and he gets a phone call, and it turns out we are going to have dinner with his cousin and his cousin's girlfriend. Which i had no idea was going to happen.
So we go to eat with them and i feel out of place. I mean they talk about cars and motorcycles and people they know and i just kind of sit there trying to be a part of the conversation. He pays for dinner btw.
then "we" all go to the mall, not on a motorcycle ride like i was expecting (even though we rode the motorcycles to the mall and to eat). Match guy is attentive, and we talk/flirt. His cousin and girlfriend want to walk around the mall, so we do.
We finally leave the mall and the sun is starting to set and we go on a short (10 minute) ride before match guy takes me home. (a great thing about motorcycle rides is you are forced to hold on to the person in front of you, and i couldn't help notice match guy has GREAT abs.) But its not just match guy who takes me home but his cousin and his girlfriend also come along. So I take off my helmet, hand it back to match guy and he put it on (there are no helmet laws in Indiana and match guy let me use his helmet and he went without).
We stand around talking for a bit and then I go inside and I THINK i hear his cousin say "why didn't you kiss her?" they leave.
I am confused. Was that a date? or did he bring his cousin along so he didn't have to be alone with me? he did date things like pay for dinner and pick and drop me off, but the date moments were counteracted by all of the non-date moments.
I need professional advice, what do you think?
an avid reader.

Dear Superfan,
There needs to be a hotline for this kind of thing. The number of women wondering this same thing is absolutely ridiculous. Alternately, I would like a TV show about it...Mystery Date Squad...who follow you around and decide if you're on a date.
I'm not going to call men stupid (what??) but rather say that men are constantly making choices that women generally regard as clueless. (Example from your outing to follow, Reader.) It's very difficult to have faith in them sometimes, after dealing with so many Bizarre Life Choices. And so, so many of them seem to happen when debating whether or not one is on a date. Coincidence? Your call, friend.
I can see why you're confused. Lots of moments there point to Date. And popping back into your life out of nowhere? That's interesting.
I don't think he brought his cousin to make sure he wasn't alone with you. I would actually call this one more toward Yes on the Date Scale if forced to choose, since it was his cousin and his cousin's girlfriend.
Remember those clueless choices I mentioned? Here we go. Mr. Motorcycle Abs might have wanted to kiss you! He might have been working on that. Or maybe he wasn't. We'll never know! Why? Because his freaking cousin and his cousin's girlfriend were standing there providing you with a super awkward audience! Who is really going to go in for the first kiss in front of family and other people? Kissing is not a spectator sport!
Ok, so maybe his cousin didn't realize there was a Vibe and that he was totally stepping on Kissing Time. (Could I please capitalize more things in this post? I'll work on it.) Sure. Totally valid. HOWEVER. If you are aware enough to ask why it didn't happen, you should be aware enough to realize that you should step away for a sec. (Boys, get it together!)
All in all, I'm calling this a Pre-Date. (Capital letters just for you, kids.) An interview for a date. You can't really call it a date because there are too many weirdo factors at work. However, I'm not comfortable saying it wasn't a date, either. You and I both need more information. If given another opportunity to hang out with this guy (and you're feeling it), go for it. We can reevaluate after that.
Tell him to leave the family reunion at home.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, October 04, 2010

Dear Interesting Name for Reader...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I just saw Waitress, a charming and funny movie about how disappointing life is. Adrienne Shelly was a talented filmmaker and I find it tragic that she is no longer with us today. There is a scene in the film where a cranky old man reads a letter from an advice column to the main character. I couldn't stop laughing. It made me think of you. Please, please, please give us your answer to this fabulously bitter letter.

Witty closing,
Someone Clever

p.s. If you have not seen this movie yet, do. RIGHT NOW!!

"[OLD JOE reads advice column for the lonely hearts] 'Dear Elizabeth. My husband fell in love with another woman from his workplace. I want to kill myself. I want to write the perfect suicide note to let him know how much pain he's caused me. I'm wondering if you can dispense any advice on composing a suicide note that would harm my snake of a husband and his slut girlfriend the most. Yours Truly, Betrayed In Biloxi'

OLD JOE: I love living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others."

Dear Interesting Name for Reader,
I am ashamed to say that I received your letter many moons ago. However, I was intent on seeing this movie before answering you. This letter was like my high school boyfriend's phone number: it was in my brain and if reminded that it was there, I could recite it. But until Waitress was on Lifetime the other day, it remained in a dusty box.

I suck.

However, I have seen Waitress now. Let's do this.

Dear Forlorn in a Film,
You are absolutely going about this the wrong way. This man does not want to be with you anymore. So clearly you deserve someone better! Any troll of a man who would cheat on his wife does not deserve a good woman. Killing yourself? Won't have the outcome you're hoping to achieve. First of all, you'd be dead. Huge point in the "negative" column. Second of all, he might be sad, but part of him would also be all, "Hey now, messy divorce proceedings? DONE." And then go home with his slutty coworker. (Who will inevitably leave him for someone with more hair, more visible abs, and more money.) ON TOP OF THAT, he will probably try to play the "Barbie McSlutty here was really there for me in my time of need when I was grieving!" card. Lots of people will probably say how brave he's being in the face of tragedy and how great it is that he's opening himself up to love again and other Hallmark card sentimental bullshit.
How dare you make his life easier for him.
No. That is not what you need to do at all. You need to make him regret losing you. You need to make him suffer. Here's what you're gonna do: You're going to look really good anytime you might see him or any mutual acquaintances. You're going to look so good that word of your hotness will get back to him. You're going to live your life for you and do awesome things that will make you so happy your horrible slimy ex won't be able to feel anything other than remorse. When your girlfriends gossip about him and his whorish new ladyfriend (taking liberties with the word "lady" here), you will sip your drink and feel justifiably smug that you got off that sinking ship before it was too late.
And one day in the future, when the stupid little tart leaves him and he comes crawling back to you? And you get to turn him down? A bruised ego limping away from you will be the moment you waited for.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda