Sunday, January 27, 2013

Dear Dancing Queen...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I was recently at a party where the boys spent a good portion of the evening bemoaning their inability to get women. (The room, I might add had a male/female ratio of 30/70, nearly all of the women being single, so these are the bright minds we are dealing with). The most common complaint was the initial pickup on a dance floor-- specifically, how do you get a woman to dance with you? We ladies insisted it wasn't difficult, and came up with two or three good suggestions. The men refused to believe us, saying that the "sneak attack" was the most foolproof (my word for when a guy appears behind you and all of a sudden you're grinding with a perfect stranger). The women unanimously voted this down, but the men insisted this works best. Please clear this up once and for all, Bitter Amanda. What is the best and/or most consistent way for a man to get a dance partner at a club?

Impatiently awaiting your verdict,

Dear Dancing Queen,
Why are men so horrible at this? I remember a wedding not long after I graduated college, where all the women were on the dance floor, dancing with each other even for the slow songs. There was, despite what you're possibly thinking, a group of eligible men--standing off to the side of the dance floor! I had had enough, so confronted them. "Are you going to dance with us?" The bride came and backed me up--and you do not mess with a bride. "No," they answered lamely, "this isn't our song." I stood long enough, glaring at them, that they got their asses in gear and asked us to dance. AND THEY ALL HAD DANCE PARTNERS ALL NIGHT. Isn't that funny? 

Ok. First of all, if you are a man reading this or you know any men in need of advice, this is the most important thing I'm going to say, possibly ever: Smashing your bits up against a lady while music is playing is not considered an invitation to dance. Got that? Should I repeat it? Do not dance up behind a lady and act surprised when she moves away from you. It's creepy. Hey, this party is fun, dancing with my girls, good music WHOA HELLO THERE PENIS. That's what goes through our minds. Sure, maybe a few women out there don't mind. Maybe we'll dance for a minute with you if we're expecting someone we know, but then once we figure out that you are not our boyfriend, we're out of there. Seriously, this is creepy. Don't let your penis do the introductions. 

There are probably lots of effective ways to get a girl to dance with you. Once at a club in Ireland, I danced with this very cute boy because he came up to me while the ubiquitous "Call On Me" was playing. (Note: not "Call Me Maybe", although I also love that one. I mean this one.) He mimed a phone in his hand, doing a whole "call me?" thing. It's lame but I was perhaps not sober and he was really cute. I was charmed enough to dance with him. (Then he proposed. Fun fact.) 

That won't always work. It really only works if the song playing is about calling someone. And if you're really, really cute. But guess what? You don't need that. 95% of the time I've danced with a man, I did so because he approached me and asked if I wanted to dance. He might have introduced himself first, he might have done some flirting or tried a stupid line first, we might have already known each other. But then he asked if I wanted to dance. It's that easy. 

I'm not kidding. It's not lame, it's not boring. Just freaking ask her. It doesn't have to sound like a formal invitation. You don't even have to be particularly good, most of the time! You just have to be willing to actually dance. 

Seriously guys, stop the sneak attack on the dance floor. It's weird. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, January 25, 2013

Dear Chocolate Guardian...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I found a bar of dark chocolate a the bottom of a paper grocery bag that I was going to use for recycling. Not only did I find unexpected chocolate, I saved it from certain recycled doom! Hurray for me! I am a hero!

Sweet Avenger

Dear Chocolate Guardian,
You, my friend, are most certainly a hero. This is worthy of the highest of praise. I could not be more proud. (Well...I mean I probably could but I don't have the time to think of another scenario, so let's let you have you moment in the sun. It's Friday and I'm feeling generous. Anyway, back to you, Champ!) 
You've done the world a favor. Actually, two, you little recycler you! Which is probably why the universe rewarded you with some bonus dark chocolate. Karma can be a beautiful thing. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Dear Jane Banks...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I was just wanted to say thank you for coming into my dream last night and giving me the business.
I had a dream in which I was trying to get back with my ex-boyfriend. In real life we were together and then broke up and then 5 months later got back together. Not surprisingly we broke up again 8 months later.

In my dream I was trying to sneak away out the back door of a house with him to go and make out. Then I turned around (in my dream) and you were standing there. Shaking your head and glaring at me.

Then I woke up. Thanks for keeping dream me on track. 

With much respect,
Nightmare Nancy 

Dear Jane Banks, 
That is awesome. I didn't think I would ever be excited that I showed up in someone's dream (because hello, creepy) but I'm actually psyched about it. Mostly because it sounds like I was the Mary Poppins you needed. AND I AM TOTALLY OK WITH THAT. 
So, let's talk about this guy for a second. Not to sound like a self-help book or anything, but there's a reason you broke up, (True story: I read a book titled "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken.") Sometimes you break up because of life reasons that really don't have anything to do with the relationship itself. If you thought he merited a second chance, then do what you have to do.

However. Two tries, two break-ups...a third try would be foolish. Which you know, otherwise Dream Me wouldn't have been silently judging Dream You. I'm just glad you figured it out. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda