Dear Bitter Amanda,
My girlfriend keeps stealing my shoes. I bought these kickass plaid sneakers, and she thinks that just because she can get them on her feet and walk without tripping in them that she is entitled to them. But, Bitter Amanda, they are my kickass plaid sneakers. They go with my kickass plaid pants perfectly. And love them. I love them more than any other article of clothing I have including my lucky Red Sox baseball cap (which helped win not one, but two World Series' in the past 3 years). I love them more than chicken soup with rice. I love them more than- dare I say it- my iPhone. Yes, Bitter Amanda. I love my kickass plaid sneakers very, very much. And she keeps wearing them. How do I make her understand that my kickass plaid sneakers are not hers for the taking?
Dear Field of Dreams,
First of all, you should not be wearing plaid shoes with plaid pants. Period. Maybe she's doing you a favor because you're embarrassing her in public with your total lack of coordination. And because of that, she's probably a really good lady to have around. So help yourself out and do two things: go buy her a pair of plaid shoes in her size and then go buy some non-plaid shoes to wear with your plaid pants. Oh, third thing: chill the hell out.
And if I ever hear about you and your lady wearing your matching plaid shoes at the same time, I will make your life so miserable you'll wish you'd never written to me. Gag.