Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Dear Sucks...

Dear Bitter Amanda, 

Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for the last 4 years, and lived together the last 8 months. Recently, she told me she would no longer give me any more "oral favors". I was pretty upset, but didnt think it warranted a breakup, afterall-I do love her. Well, about a month ago, me and the boys went to the local gentlemens club for some harmless fun, but I am torn if the fun was indeed harmless. One of the fine young ladies who worked at the club told me she was "extremely talented" in the art of oral favors, to which I felt an instant connection to her. Later, I was able to find out just how talented she was for a small donation for her time (and believe me, she is quite talented). I have returned the last 2 weeks for her companionship, and honestly, I am only in it for the "help". I still love my girl, and I wish she would be the one to "help" me, but she refuses. I need an experts advice, am I cheating on her? Should I come clean with her and tell her what I've been up to?

PS- do these "favors" actually count toward my total number of conquests even though I've not technically slept with them? (I hope not, I have not been counting them)

Thanks for your help, 

-Love sucks 

Dear Sucks,
Seriously? Are you serious? Not judging you or anything but...really? 

This...will take a while. Find a seat, sir. AND NOT ON TOP OF A STRIPPER. 

Guys, I know you think women consult each other too much when it comes to their relationships. We get mocked for our dating by majority rule. But guess what? If I was in your situation and ran this by a friend, there is no way it would have gone down like this. (Yes, I went there.) MY FRIENDS WOULD ALL STOP ME. And I wish, Sucks, that you had run this plan by at least one other person who was not letting their penis do all the thinking. 
I have to ask what predicated your poor girlfriend's decision to stop blowing you. Does it have anything to do with you dating her for four years without taking your commitment to the next level? Or does it have something to do with you being kind of a douche? Just looking for clarification here, homeboy. 
Did you really tell me you felt a connection to this young lady? That's the answer you're sticking with? You saw a good deal of her naked body and she told you she's talented when it comes to the penis and then you magically felt a connection? I think I know how I can find the future Mr. Bitter. BECAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD WORK ON ANYONE WITH AN INTEREST IN BREASTS. (Yes, I will continue to yell. Get used to it.) 

Are you cheating on your girl? Yes. Yes, you are. You're sexually involved with another person? And your girl doesn't know about it? That's cheating. Unless you two are in an explicitly open relationship, there is no way that isn't cheating. You don't need an expert to figure that out. This is unequivocal cheating. You disgusting ass. (Ok, maybe I am judging a little.)
 Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS-No, I will not help you figure out the calculations for your manwhore math. That's all on you, buddy.