Monday, December 03, 2012

Dear Angry Girl...

Bitter Amanda,
I just got out of a relationship with an idiot. I need some good breakup music - not the sappy "how can I live without you" stuff - but the "you sucked and I'm better off without you." Do you have any suggestions?
~Single and better off

Dear Angry Girl,
Oh yeah. I've got some suggestions. Some of it sounds silly when you look at my list, but trust me--put it on and belt it out...these people know what they're talking about. No judging on this one. Off the top of my head...

--Puddle of Mudd "She Hates Me"
--Britney Spears "Stronger"
--Carrie Underwood "Before He Cheats"
--Nancy Sinatra "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'"
--Ray Charles "Hit the Road Jack"
--Jason Derulo "Solo"
--Ke$ha "Grow a Pear"
--All American Rejects "Gives You Hell"
--'NSync "Bye Bye Bye"
--Beyonce "Single Ladies" 
--Destiny's Child "Survivor"
--Christina Aguilera "Fighter"
--Pink "So What"
--Ace of Base "I Saw the Sign" (No, I'm not kidding.)
--Kelly Clarkson "Since U Been Gone"
--Taylor Swift "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

And my Top 5...
--Ben Folds Five "Song for the Dumped"
--Cee Lo "Fuck You"
--Lily Allen "Fuck You" (A different one. So many varieties!)
--Alanis Morissette "You Oughta Know"
--Gloria Gaynor "I Will Survive"

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**EDIT: Early readers may have noticed I totally screwed up a song title. It's been fixed, don't worry about it, but please remember to edit when you have 9 billion songs rattling around your brain at once. MULTI TASKING FAIL. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dear Athena...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Three years after my douchebag of an ex walked out on our relationship via text message because I wouldn't put out for him, we ran into each other at the mall. Obviously, he was devastated/greatly surprised that I hadn't withered away in mourning for him, or else he really believes he still has a chance with me, because I went home to a weird apology email from him, 3 years too late. Not only was this apology tasteless in content, but it also contained humorous references to how his family suddenly realized I would make the perfect bride for him.

"But don't worry," he continues, "I deflected them as best as I could. Hehe." Yes, that is a direct quote, including the very manly chuckle.

*GAG!* does not even begin to cover it. Bitter Amanda, how do I put this guy down in the way that he deserves?


Dear Athena,
I'm mad impressed right now. There is absolutely no way a man who leaves a relationship like he did (ie THE WORST WAY/REASON EVER) deserves to be with you, and you know it. We don't always realize that last part--men and women alike. I'm sure he was devastated and surprised that you're still flourishing without his attention. What he wasn't saying was that some combination of seeing you looking so awesome, his life not going the way he thought it would, and his family talking about your perfection has led him to the conclusion that he totally fucked up when he walked away from you. Score! (For you. This guy's life sucks. Unfortunately his ego didn't get the memo quite yet.) 
Your name suits--you are a freaking goddess, and this guy doesn't quite make the cut. You should run into him again sometime. With your car.

(You bought that, right? That sounded believable?) 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, November 05, 2012

Dear Rufus Xavier Sasparilla...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
If a couple has been dating for a while/engaged/married, do you think it's appropriate for one or either of the parties involved to make "we" type statements? I'm not talking about factual statements like "We went to Montreal last year on vacation". I mean statements starting with things like, "We prefer..." or "we think..." or "we feel...". Opinion-y type things. "We really don't like going to that restaurant because we think that the waiters are rude and the filet mignon is dry."  "We like springtime in New England, but we really prefer to go south for the winter." When you are a part of a two, does that mean your partner gets to squish their opinion alongside yours and answer for you? That kind of bugs me. Is it too nitpicky to prefer something like "I think, and I'm fairly sure Buffy agrees..." to "We think"? Because the two people aren't collectively thinking-- each person has come to their own opinion, right? What's your take on this, Bitter Amanda? Identity usurpation or mere grammatical nuisance?
We, we, we, all the way home

Dear Rufus Xavier Sasparilla,
You're hitting on something here that has been the subject of many a rant around my home. Pronouns ARE tricky! Ask any first grader. 
This is a complicated subject. What is the boundary for the "we" mentality? For me, part of the issue is the situation. If I'm having coffee with a friend, and I ask what she did last night, I'm weirded out by "We went out for burritos." I think back--was I there? Did I have too many margaritas and forget that we went out together, yet miraculously wake up feeling fine? Or is she referring to someone else? I look around, wondering if a third person joined us and I didn't notice. Oh it an imaginary friend? Has my friend finally lost it?* "We went out for burritos," is acceptable if I have coffee with my friend and her boyfriend. Otherwise, I worry a lot less when she says, "I went for burritos with Boyfriend." You see what I'm saying, Rufus? 
I'm leery of group opinions, on some level. "Oh, we love IHOP. Best pancakes in the tri-county area." Suddenly, I am convinced IHOP is A Couple Place. I can't go to IHOP anymore?? When did they decide it was A Date Restaurant? Where can I get pancakes now? Will they still let me get a table for one? Or will they bring me my pancakes with side orders of Sympathy and Judgmental Glances? I DIDN'T ORDER THOSE. 

Wait, what was your question? Oh, right. You're not being nitpicky. I worry that excessive "we" statements show getting lost into a relationship, absorbed into being part of a pair, rather than being your own person. So...I think it's both of your suggestions: identity usurpation AND grammatical nuisance. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

*Let's be honest, if anyone is going to have a psychotic episode where they go to dinner with an imaginary's going to be me. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Dear Black Belt...

Bitter Amanda,
What are your thoughts on this: you're on a date with someone you've recently met, and within the first five minutes he states "you'll probably find that I have more respect for you than you have for yourself."
My immediate response was "fuck you "(which he thought was cute and funny). But you barely know me, and you're already making assumptions about the level of respect I have for myself? And you're so amazingly awesome that you're going to shower me with the tons of respect that I lack? As a followup, I was compared to a majority of the women he's dated in the past, who've all had really low self esteem and made lots of self-deprecating comments about themselves, like "OMG, I'm so fat!" 
So... you're a player (because the word "majority" does not come up in a discussion of women you've dated if there hasn't been a shit-ton), you just compared me to all the previous women (way to make you're current date feel special), and you're insinuating that I'm fat? Why else would you be expecting the fat comments at any minute?
I finished the date out, mostly because I know I have a tendency to write people off without giving them a chance. But after that respect comment I was done, and really have no desire to see him again. Am I overreacting, or is a comment like that a red flag? 
~Tired of People Who Are Full of Themselves
ps. Another thing that pissed me off, which has me convinced his ego needs deflating. We also had a disagreement about martial arts; he doesn't believe the martial arts have to be violent, they are only violent if you *perceive* them to be. Lets look past that the point that the "martial" part of martial arts is built right into the name. My twenty years of experience in multiple fields and two black belts could not change his mind that martial arts are violent. Why was he not convinced? Because his undergrad degree was in sports and recreation. He is a professional game player for a living. My takeaway from that conversation: "my experience is more relevant than yours, and I'm not open to any viewpoints but my own."  Gag.

Dear Black Belt,
Damn, girl. I'm impressed you didn't sneak out the bathroom window during this date. This guy is basically one big red flag. Respect for sticking it out, knowing you write people off. 
Here's my opinion on dating new people, which ultimately may be an unpopular one. Go with your gut. If you sat with this guy and thought, "What an insufferable douchebag," then he's probably not Prince Charming. Another woman somewhere with less self-respect than you will probably find his level of douche charming enough and allow herself to put up with it. However, that doesn't mean you have to be that girl. 
Going out with these losers is horrible, sure, but you never know. Doesn't hurt to meet them. Life experiences, good stories, character building, blah blah blah. I personally like that you all write me letters about them.  But when you get that Red Flag Feeling it's cool to write him off. 

Don't worry about the gym teacher. Let him bore someone else.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Dear Oscar...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I found a post it note! Is it yours?

The Garbage Collector

Dear Oscar, 
I don't have any frogs! Although I have tried to awkwardly transition an unwelcome "I love you" into a high-fiving-because-we're-buddies-pretend-that-never-happened situation. I can see how you'd be confused. 
Props to this kid. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, October 15, 2012

Dear Girl...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

A good friend of mine recently moved away. I'm fairly certain he won't keep in touch with me because he's a StupidBoy™. This makes me sad. Any advice?

-Wendy Moira Angela Darling

Dear Girl,
Many boys are horrible when it comes to maintaining long-distance contact. (Many people in general are horrible at this, but that's not your question.) There are multiple enigmatic men like this in my life--when they show up, you are the center of their attention and you remember All The Reasons You Are Friends. But they often don't show up and don't return phone calls and you just kind of stop worrying. You send texts and figure they'll end up in the void but at least you tried.
I like to make a lot of effort early on and then when I finally get ahold of them, make them feel guilty for not returning my love and affection. It's a time-honored tradition. I've got a pretty good return rate on those guilt trips.
Unless...nagging isn't your style? (I don't understand this.) I guess you could go the way of emails and Facebook messages. Friendship is a two-way street, though, so be sure to take care of yourself. If you feel like you're the only one it in, there's no rule saying you have to stay friends with everyone forever. Let him have his adventures with Tinkerbell, the slut. You deserve better. 
(There's also the possibility that your friendship will fade into an annual hookup, so, you know...there's always that. ...Just me? Anyone? Oh. OVERSHARE MONDAY.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Saturday, October 06, 2012

Dear Target Audience...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

My Spam folder is hilarious. Not only is it clogged with offers for deals on Viagra and penis enlargement, I regularly get offers from a variety of online dating services: Match, eHarmony, Christian Mingle, Black People Meet, Asian Singles, and Cougar Dating.

How exactly am I on the marketing radar for any of these things?

SWF, 29

Dear Target Audience,
Obviously your friends think you are pathetic and gave your email address to all those dating sites. Maybe you should take the hint.

Can't explain the penis enlargement bit, though. That's just...what the internet is for, really. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Dear Are You Serious...

So here's The Situation. No, not that jersey shore douchebag.

I have a married friend -we had a mutual thing for each other. But I told her nothing would happen while she was still married, shes still married, and we're just friends. Let's call her Cleopatra.

My current girlfriend, we will call her Medusa, knows our history. So I asked if it would be ok to have lunch with Cleo. She said she wasn't happy about it, but it wasn't her place to tell me not to, and to have lunch. So... I did.

Now Medusa's all pissed! WTF?! She said to go ahead and have lunch, she knows we're just friends, why is she mad?


Dear Are You Serious,
Please tell me you're joking. You must have some clue why she's pissed. 

Are you familiar with mythology? I mean, you must have some idea, as you've referred to your girlfriend as Medusa. Just in case...Medusa was pretty scary. Looking directly at her turned one to stone. She was hideous. In some versions, she's beautiful but still terrifying. And...that's the name you're choosing for your girlfriend. 
As for Cleopatra...culturally, she's this super hot and powerful woman who could get with anyone she wanted. Aaaaand....that's your "friend" in this scenario. Right. 

You're not just friends. I know it and Medusa knows it. (I would be mad too.) I have no idea if Cleopatra knows it. You know it but you're trying to convince everyone otherwise. Stop lying to yourself and face the real problem here. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Dear Favor...

An open letter to Bruno Mars:
Dear Douchebag,
I thought it was creepy and stalkerish when you said you'd take catch a grenade, step in front of a train, take a bullet right through the brain.  FYI - girls don't find violent desperation attractive. That girl probably wasn't willing to do the same for you because she was terrified of you, you creepy POS.
And now you're proposing to a girl by starting off with "lets look for something dumb to do?" And then you follow it up with "I THINK I want to marry you."  So... its a dumb idea and you're realllly not sure anyway? And you admit that you're drunk, and you're ok if she breaks up with you in the AM... dude WTF?  Isn't marriage 'til death do you part,' and not 'til this hangover goes away'? And do you even love this woman? Are you really willing to spend the rest of your life with her? Its cuz of shitheads like you the divorce rate is sky-high.
If you were trying to be romantic, you failed miserably. And you're teaching young impressionable people that its ok to get drunk and do stupid shit that actually have lifelong consequences. I shake my fist at you, sir.


Dear Favor,
I...I don't even have a reply. I'm pretty psyched about this. Thanks for sharing your angry feelings! 

Coincidentally, I have recently added this Bruno Mars song to my personal list of "Unacceptable Proposals That Guarantee a No Answer." In case anyone was looking to propose. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Dear Restless...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I have a bit of a delicate roommate situation. Not long ago, my flatmate and her boyfriend broke up, loudly, between the hours of 10 pm and 2 am. Then they spent the hours between 3 am and 8 am getting back together, right on the other side of the wall of where my bed is. A bit irritating, but love is harsh sometimes, sometimes things must be done, and I can deal with one night of disturbed sleep. However, since then, they seem to be, eh... enjoying each other's company rather more enthusiastically than they used to. Unfortunately, my room is laid out stupidly, and there's no other place for my bed. It wouldn't matter, anyway, since one can enjoy their dulcet tones in the hall as well. In addition to keeping me up and making me sleep upside down on my bed with a pillow over my head, this also makes conversations about mundane things with my other roommate rather awkward. There's nothing quite like asking someone where they put the mail while trying to ignore the symphony of love emanating from the other side of the apartment. There doesn't seem to be much of a schedule except "all night on weekends when I want to sleep" and " in the middle of the day".  Any ideas on how to cope? (And please don't say "the best revenge is living well". Ahem. I would if I could, dear. I would if I could...)

No Rest for the Weary

Dear Restless,
I spent a year of college living down the hall from a girl who had a lot of loud sex. Like, a lot. There didn't seem to be a reliable schedule, unless you count "whenever my parents are visiting" as a schedule. It was super annoying, and I totally feel your pain. I'm an advocate of getting yours, but the sounds of someone getting theirs when you yourself are not is a special kind of torture. However, I also like to keep my relations private and am fairly mortified by getting caught even kissing someone. (Has nothing to do with the gentleman, mind you.) Given that fun fact and all the sex I'm NOT having, I'd probably make a fantastic roommate. 
But. You have a roommate. And a roommate situation. I doubt you'll be able to reason with her. People with this sort of sex life aren't usually terribly concerned that you can hear them. It's certainly worth a conversation, if you think it'll go well. The fact that you're writing to me about this suggests that perhaps it won't go well. Am I right? 
Well, Sleepless, until you can get your revenge (I wish you the best of luck there) then I suggest having fun with it. Treat it like a science experiment. Keep a log on the fridge. Hey, maybe you can get a grant and turn this into some sort of research project. Weirder studies have been performed, trust me. Rate their performance, Olympics style. Leave them some helpful feedback and suggestions. "4. That took longer than average--problems today?" "9. Did somebody learn a new move?" "2. Sounded fake--trouble in paradise?" 
Also, invest in some good quality headphones. Good luck. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Dear Sucks...

Dear Bitter Amanda, 

Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for the last 4 years, and lived together the last 8 months. Recently, she told me she would no longer give me any more "oral favors". I was pretty upset, but didnt think it warranted a breakup, afterall-I do love her. Well, about a month ago, me and the boys went to the local gentlemens club for some harmless fun, but I am torn if the fun was indeed harmless. One of the fine young ladies who worked at the club told me she was "extremely talented" in the art of oral favors, to which I felt an instant connection to her. Later, I was able to find out just how talented she was for a small donation for her time (and believe me, she is quite talented). I have returned the last 2 weeks for her companionship, and honestly, I am only in it for the "help". I still love my girl, and I wish she would be the one to "help" me, but she refuses. I need an experts advice, am I cheating on her? Should I come clean with her and tell her what I've been up to?

PS- do these "favors" actually count toward my total number of conquests even though I've not technically slept with them? (I hope not, I have not been counting them)

Thanks for your help, 

-Love sucks 

Dear Sucks,
Seriously? Are you serious? Not judging you or anything but...really? 

This...will take a while. Find a seat, sir. AND NOT ON TOP OF A STRIPPER. 

Guys, I know you think women consult each other too much when it comes to their relationships. We get mocked for our dating by majority rule. But guess what? If I was in your situation and ran this by a friend, there is no way it would have gone down like this. (Yes, I went there.) MY FRIENDS WOULD ALL STOP ME. And I wish, Sucks, that you had run this plan by at least one other person who was not letting their penis do all the thinking. 
I have to ask what predicated your poor girlfriend's decision to stop blowing you. Does it have anything to do with you dating her for four years without taking your commitment to the next level? Or does it have something to do with you being kind of a douche? Just looking for clarification here, homeboy. 
Did you really tell me you felt a connection to this young lady? That's the answer you're sticking with? You saw a good deal of her naked body and she told you she's talented when it comes to the penis and then you magically felt a connection? I think I know how I can find the future Mr. Bitter. BECAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD WORK ON ANYONE WITH AN INTEREST IN BREASTS. (Yes, I will continue to yell. Get used to it.) 

Are you cheating on your girl? Yes. Yes, you are. You're sexually involved with another person? And your girl doesn't know about it? That's cheating. Unless you two are in an explicitly open relationship, there is no way that isn't cheating. You don't need an expert to figure that out. This is unequivocal cheating. You disgusting ass. (Ok, maybe I am judging a little.)
 Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS-No, I will not help you figure out the calculations for your manwhore math. That's all on you, buddy. 

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Dear Love Bites...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

1) How do you get rid of a hickey?
2) How do you seek vengeance after the culprit has run away like a coward?

I hear you are an expert in such matters.


Dear Love Bites,
Sorry it's taken me a couple days to get back to you. I was really busy laughing. As luck would have it, I do know a thing or two about hickeys! 
1. A little ice, a little concealer, and a little prayer of thanks that scarves are popular right now. 
2. Depends on why you're seeking vengeance. Are you mad because he marked you or because he abandoned you? If it's the former, then revenge is your course of action. Let me tell you--bruised and purple lips (and not from a Chris Brown...I'm talking about purple lips acquired in a good way) are not only super hard to cover up, but much harder for men to handle. (Here, this lip gloss should cover it nicely OH WAIT.) If it's the latter...then call him out on it. Tell your would-be vampire that at least Edward Cullen had the decency to politely stalk Bella. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Dear Miss Cleo...

Bitter Amanda,
I have two friends who plan on moving in together. The one who is buying the house is madly in love with the other one - who is totally a leach and just looking for someone to pay all the bills. And probably do all the housework. I can totally forsee the following conversation: "I know I broke the fridge, but its not my house. You buy a new one, I'm not doing it.Its your fridge."
Basically, its going to be a trainwreck. I think lovesick girl is too infatuated to see that she will be taken advantage of. Do I warn her? I don't think she'd listen. She'd probably be mad I'm speaking poorly of her crush, and then rat me out.
What should I do?

Dear Miss Cleo, 
I know your train wreck friend. I mean, I don't know this one in particular, but we all have a Train Wreck Friend. The one constantly making bad choices but unable to understand the severity of them until it's too late. The one you try to warn, try to reason no avail. (...I actually might also BE that friend.) She's a great friend, always good for a story or two. But have you ever seen that friend listen to your observations and say, "Hey, that's a great point. This IS going to blow up in my face...maybe I'll get out before it's too late!" 

No. No, you have not. Because Train Wreck Friend does not listen. TWF makes her own mistakes and does it over and over again. TWF might learn one day, but we don't hold our breath and wait for that. 

Don't do it. Resist the urge! You said yourself, she won't listen and she'll get mad. And when she tells the other friend what you said, both of them will be pissed at you. Actually, that might bring them closer together, having a unified cause. Couples get so much more annoying after they've bonded over something like that. For the sake of everyone around them, stay out of it. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, January 03, 2012


Dear Bitter Amanda,

Being married adds some challenges to friendships. I've have many different friendships from different walks in my life. Now that I'm married when I meet up with my friends I want my husband to be their friends also. This gets tricky when your friends are also married. You hope your husband will become friends with your friends husband, but it's not that easy. Why is this so hard for men? I thought men could make friends easier then women but every time my husband meets my friends husbands they don't seem to hit it off (or at the least it takes a while). I thought this concept would be easy for men, that my husband would make new best friends. How can I make my husbands transition to new friends easier? Thanks Bitter Amanda.

- Frustrated Friendship Maker

This is a tricky one. Male bonding is weird thing. It's almost as if men know when you want them to bond, and refuse to do so easily. A bit like a petulant child, they will bond with those you wish they'd avoid--the guy you hate at work, your ex boyfriend, your father--and when you find someone suitable, they have zero interest. I think it goes back to the idea that men like the chase--when you hand them a new built-in friend, it's too easy. You have to approach this the way you approached him before you were together--play hard to get. Don't force the friendship. 
Men seem to bond over rather silly things--"Oh, you like this shitty, generic beer? I, too, enjoy that shitty, generic beer! Let's drink some of that together and complain about the awesome women in our lives who don't care if we go out and complain over shitty, generic beer! Let's also yell at our favorite local sports team in the appropriate sports vernacular!" You and your friend should do some good old-fashioned nagging while the four of you are together. Nothing bonds men quite so quickly as facing a ridiculous stereotype of women. They'll retreat to whatever spot they can find resembling a depressing "man cave" and roll their eyes about you before engaging in the above conversation. 
Also note that guys making friends often does not resemble women making friends. Women make plans and think of things to do, fill their social calendar in the excitement of a new friend. They hear life stories and tag pictures on facebook. Men are more casual in this regard. You might meet his friend's wife and go on about how great she is and how you're going to lend her that book you talked about! Maybe you'll join a book club together! But not him. You likely won't hear these things--consider it a positive sign if he agrees to all hang out again. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda