Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dear Brick...

Dear BA,

Facebook; why do people do that to themselves?


Dear Brick,
Let’s see…peer pressure? Narcissism? The siren call of stalking people in a socially acceptable way? All these are usually coupled with thinly veiled excuses about networking and reviving friendships from one’s 2nd grade Girl Scout troop.
Oh, and whatever that FarmVille shit is. I'm still getting invites to that--knock it off.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dear Pirate...


I went on a few dates with a boy. I thought things were going well, on our last date we spent all night cuddling and he told me I gave him butterflies in his stomach. Then... he fell off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again. I know he's still alive, he just stopped all communication. I'm pretty sure it's because his last girlfriend was a psychopath and he wasn't ready for a new relationship, but it still hurt my soul.

His company is one of my company’s biggest clients. They have a small facility, and I get to spend all day there later this week. What do I do if I see him? Call him out on his shitty actions? Pretend he's not there? Say hello and nothing else? Say hello and ask how he's doing? Get violently I'll and call out sick?

What should I do?!


Dear Pirate,
No. This is a no in two parts, one for each section of your letter.
First of all, let’s talk about your dates with him. He said some nice things. How nice for you. But you know what? Then he stopped calling. ACTIONS DO NOT MATCH WORDS. This is what we like to call a red flag, Eye Patch. It is easy to say things, but if you can’t back them up then they have no meaning. Psychopath ex or not, if he was into you, you’d know it.
Now. Onto the second movement of Symphony in No.
This no is more complex, with subtleties weaving in and out of the general chorus of no. Some of your suggestions for seeing him are not bad. But my big issue here is how much time you’re spending on it. He’s the one who cut off communication. He missed out! This is his loss, clearly. You are way more awesome than that. Right? Right.
If and when you see him, you don’t need to worry. Just go about your day, do you job, and be the fabulous person you are. Let him spend time figuring out what to say to you, for he will surely be embarrassed by his childish behavior.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dear Ms. T...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I want a guy who rides a bike, does stupid tricks, goes on random midnight adventures, watches cartoons, and will steal street signs to help me make art. He also NEEDS to be sweet, intelligent, and educated. Do you think one exists?


Dear Ms. T,
Not really, no.

Oh. That's harsh, right?'s very likely that he does. But in the end, he probably also has a boyfriend or a prison sentence or a huge tattoo on his bicep of the ex girlfriend he's stalking or big plans for his upcoming 15th birthday party. know, good luck.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda