Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dear Duh...

Bitter Amanda,

I was at a retirement party for a well-respected coworker - lots of people were there. Including a cute young woman I'd seen around the office and I had assumed was either a new hire or a college student interning for the summer. We ended up exchanging numbers, and hooked up a few days later (and by hooked up I don't mean "grabbed a cup of coffee" but "had lots of really awesome sex after grabbing a cup of coffee.")

Turns out she was NOT a cute new hire. It was the vice president's 18-year old daughter who just graduated from high school. I don't know what to do! I was planning on a casual summer fling (before I found out who she was and that she's barely legal), but she's already started talking about marriage and babies and hinting about "our future" together. And its only been two weeks! I don't think Mr. Bossman currently knows his daughter's banging an employee, and I only see two possible outcomes to this:

-Break up with psycho-girl, break her heart, and have Daddy-dearest after my ass for hurting his youngest child and only daughter
-Stay with psycho-girl to prevent breaking her heart, get introduced to the parents, and then have Daddy-dearest furious that an employee is banging his precious baby.

Either way it looks like I'm screwed. Is there any way out of this mess without losing my job?

~Work Booty is Bad Booty, and Learned it the Hard Way

Dear Duh,
Really? Work booty is bad booty? You think?
You might not lose your job, but there is definitely no painless way out of this situation. Which, by the way, you put yourself in. You should probably start, you know, finding out who you're sleeping with in advance. Just a tip.
There's no good way out of it. I shouldn't be helping you, jackass, but I will. Tell her this: you don't want to get in trouble at work because of your relationship. If she gets all dreamy-eyed "no one can come between us" crazy, then tell her it's because you care too much about her and you don't want to risk losing her. (A lie, yes, but sometimes you need to tell a helping lie.) If you can string her along until the fall, she'll head off to college and hopefully find some nice frat boy to tell her lies instead.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, July 28, 2008

Dear Bad Mommy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

So I've been dealing with some health issues. And according to my doctor, the best treatment option is getting knocked up.
No, seriously. The first thing my doctor said to me was "pregnancy would clear this right up." And I do see certain benefits to this option: 1. lots of getting laid (the condition is also a leading cause of infertility... so lots and lots of sex would clearly need to be involved) 2. nine months without a period 3. i love food, and I'll be eating for two! 4. condition goes away.
The only problem I'm seeing so far is that pregnancy usually leads to infants. Which I'm not so ready for.
The problem is, my doctor doesn't seem to understand this. Everytime I go in, she's asking me about when I plan on popping one out. ACK! How does one convince their doctor they aren't ready to have an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina?

~Not Ready for Parenthood

Dear Bad Mommy,
I don't have to do a google search to assure you that your assumption is correct. Pregnancy does usually lead to babies.
As for letting your doctor know that you're not exactly ready to buy a carseat and a Gymboree membership, I'd say you could use the last line of your letter. Anyone who describes the miracle of birth as, and I quote, "having an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina" is clearly not ready to be a mother. No self-respecting medical professional would encourage parenthood to someone with that kind of attitude.
Just go get some and eat a lot of pie. You'll like that more.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear Julia Child...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I've heard from numerous sources the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I decided to put this to the test and ask a certain good looking fella out to lunch. He said yes, we had a lovely time-- lively conversation, laughing, and an agreement to hang out again soon. Days go by with no call or invitation from this young man. Two weeks later, I summon the guts to once again invite the gentleman out for a meal. He accepts, and once again, we have an absolutely lovely time, and, once again, quite some time goes by with no contact. Tenacious gal I am, I propose another food oriented rendez-vous, which is, again, accepted, and again, a good time is had by all. There is no follow-up by the man in question. Disgruntled, at the end of the week I bake a batch of award winning brownies to assuage said disgruntlement. When I can no longer eat anymore, I call the lad, who agrees to take the brownies off my hands. I sip my tea as he polishes off my baked goods, and we discuss all topics great and small. And doesn't call me the next day.
Bitter Amanda, is this some bizarre shy-boy routine or is he just using me for food?
-Starved for Attention

Dear Julia Child,
Oh, open your eyes, woman! After a couple instances, I was still thinking that he needed to man up and grow some balls. But by the end of your email, my god! He doesn't need to man up! He's being PLENTY male in his behavior. You keep coming to him, sometimes with baked goods! He's playing games. A rational person would start reciprocating when it comes to hanging out with a new friend. But since he's a man, we clearly are not dealing with a rational being. He doesn't need to call you or show initiative! He's living the good life.
It says a couple things about him. You're not going to like this. First of all, he's not into you. If he IS, by some strange happenstance, then he sucks at life and does not deserve you or your homebaked goodies. (Or ANY of your goodies.) (You know what I mean.) Second of all, he's a total douchebag.
Now, it's not likely but there is a small possibility that I am wrong. Maybe he's just one of those really low maintenance friends, like my sister, who only needs contact every once in a great while? I call them Camel Friends. They don't think separation hurts a friendship, and therefore only get in touch when they realize it's been a long time. You can't be offended by those kind of friends. But you do need to test it out. Stop contacting him. If he DOES care, then after some time he'll call you.
But for heaven's sake, stop bringing him treats. You don't reward a dog when it shits on the carpet.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda