Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dear Titanic...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I know this guy. He's not my ideal, but he's fun enough to hang out with on at least a friendly basis. I have reason to believe he is interested in me, and that if I decide to give the signal, it's possible I'll have something to do on any given weekend. I am at odds as to what to do with this information. He's very intelligent, well versed in many subjects and a decent conversationalist, and I could use a night out, to be perfectly honest. However, as sometimes happens with high intelligence, particularly concerning the male of the species (possibly some function of the less robust Y chromosome?), he does lack certain social skills, such as basic table manners. I worry that his faux pas might be indicative of larger inconsiderate/gross-boy-type issues. I'm not concerned about the rarity of a toilet seat not returned to its proper downright position, or the occasional unwashed dishes in the sink. I'm more worried about combinations of the two, like peeing in the sink because the toilet lid is down. Or peeing on the unwashed dishes in the sink. Far be it for me to change a man's ways (I certainly have no desire to be a female Pygmalion), but I must say this: I will not tolerate sink pee-ers. I draw the line there.

I admit I have no evidence of this creative urination style with regard to the male in question, but it has been my experience that people who mistake coat sleeves for napkins and soup bowls for drinking vessels outside the sanctity of their own home are prone to other, more serious transgressions. He is also what popular culture would deem a "foodie", so, should I deign to give him the time of day, we would likely be spending much time in restaurants. Perhaps schmancy ones. I'm all for intelligent conversation with foodies in schmancy restaurants, but if someone is having difficulty remembering to use a fork, let alone the correct fork, how is one to cope? This is what troubles me.

My question, Bitter Amanda, is this: Am I being too picky or not picky enough? Is it really too much for me to ask that a man have a brain and be aware that manners exist, or have I just been deprived of any available man's attention for so long that my standards have dropped to a point where those previously considered unacceptable weasel their way up to a "well, perhaps if he buys the drinks"? Could the answer be different if he were very attractive? In short, am I lowering the bar, or is it still too high? I just don't know anymore.

Pole Vaulter

Dear Titanic,
Men are like icebergs. The part you see is in no way an indication of what is under the surface. Sometimes, very rarely, that's a good thing. You may find one of those fabled men who have more to offer a girl than a night out and free drinks. But more often than not, it is bad. Just like the situation you're describing, you can't tell how pig-like a man is until it's too late. You can never be too cautious about this sort of thing.
Sometimes, women do set the bar too high. Women who have seen too many Meg Ryan movies and read too many romance novels. There is absolutely nothing wrong with standards (this keeps us from dating sink pee-ers), but sometimes you need to step back and ask if they are realistic. If you only want a man who has a Pulitzer Prize, then perhaps you need to widen the horizons. Strictly into Olympic gold medalists? A nice idea, but there aren't very many of them, statistically speaking. But a man with good manners? That is certainly not unheard of! (Well...)
Nothing wrong with hanging out with the guy you talk about, but don't stop looking for a man who does the dishes in the sink, does his business in the toilet, and puts the lid down when he's at your place. (Note: if you are this man, email me. Who knows? Maybe I can do some match-making.)

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Dear Princess Leia...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Considering your vast knowledge of the human condition, I am hoping you can assist me. I find myself at an age where many of my friends are getting married. These weddings are usually full of women I do not know, and would like to dance with. But they are often dancing with their friends in a big group. How do I know when I can approach one of them and get a dance? What signs should I be looking for? Is there some sort of code I am unaware of? Please help me, Bitter Amanda. Much like Obi-Wan Kenobi for this generation, you are my only hope.
Single Dude

Dear Princess Leia,
You flatter me. Really. Too kind. All that bullshit. I’m sure you intended to, thinking I might help you. And you’re correct—but you’ve also left me confused. I mean, obviously you know some things about women. And yet your letter would suggest otherwise. You’re looking for signs? A code? News flash, champ. It’s right in front of your face. Of course there are signals! If a woman is dancing with a group of women, she’s probably willing to dance with just one person. Imagine, if you will, a group of [straight] men dancing with each other while all the women stand off to the side of the dance floor. Isn’t that sad? Don’t you want to go up to those women and shove them in the direction of men? That’s kind of how women feel when they’re dancing in a group. Don’t get me wrong—they’re having a good time. But when we see you standing around on the edge of the floor, looking around and bobbing your heads, we just want to shake you like a bad mother with her screaming child. Stop worrying about rejection, grow some balls, and just ask one of them to dance! If you’re not creepy or rude, the odds are heavily in your favor! We just respect you asking—really. That’s the big secret. You have to ask. Sound like something you can do, champ? Should we review?
-Don’t be creepy.
-Don’t be an asshole.
-Don’t be a creepy asshole.
Give that a try.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Monday, February 11, 2008

Dear Genius...

Bitter Amanda,
I was having trouble getting work done today. I needed some motivation. And I realized what the best motivation EVER would be: a sex kitten. Someone who would reward me with sexual favors when I was productive and got shit done. Not someone to have a relationship with, just a cute piece of ass who is strong-willed and won't put out until all the work is done.
Where can I find one of these?
~Seeking Motivation

Dear Genius,
Holy damn is that a good idea. (And you know I hate to admit other people are smarter than me!)
I mean, it sounds a bit like prostitution at first glance. In the Julia Roberts Pretty Woman sort of way. But I don't think your average whore works the way you've described. So it's really more like a friends-with-benefits thing.
Since there are no matchmaking services for this sort of thing...(Colleges and universities everywhere should have postings like this, similar to a ride board. (HA!) Pairing you up with other like-minded, strong-willed individuals. You'd monitor each other's progress and stay on track.) I suggest you ask around. Perhaps you have some friends you wouldn't mind sleeping with?
See what you can do, and keep me posted. I love to hear about non-relationships!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda