Saturday, February 24, 2007

Dear Blondie...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Someone at work had flowers delivered today from her S.O. I retreated to my cubicle where I gagged in horror. Not to mention, I made blondies and brought them to work today... sugar-replacement therapy, you know. I totally should have labeled them: for singles only. I had better go snag me one before all of the coupled people eat them all. Greedy bastards.
Kicking myself

Dear Blondie,
I hope you received my emergency "Go eat them all ASAP!" message. It truly is greedy of coupled coworkers to think V-Day treats are them them. Go back to your cubicle and eat the chocolates from your Valentine! Soak up the obnoxious fumes from your "I'm too special to get my flowers at home" flowers!
I hope you survived the office Valentine's Day!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Advice Break...

Try to enjoy your Wednesday in peace, kids!!

So, once again it's Valentine's Day. Please enjoy my hand-crafted Valentine, just for you, my favorite readers. And then, go do whatever you have to to get through this anti-single, despicable excuse for a holiday. As for me, I'll be spending my day doing any number of the following: shouting obscenities at VDay themed television shows, movies, or commercials, eating my bodyweight in pity candy from my father and these delicious treats that my siblings force our mother to make whenever we possibly can, and watching non-romantic DVDs, such as School of Rock and Jackass: The Movie.

See you all on Thursday!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Dear Cupid...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am cleaning out my house and came across this most disturbing image of The Day, written to my high-school sweetie and future ex-wife sometime in 11th or 12th grade. Other than that One Thing, what in the world could I have been thinking? I mean really! I'll be spending the rest of the evening cleaning up my vomit and asking myself "Why?" Anyway, I feel like I needed to share this with someone, finally, and somehow be purged ... in addition to the biffage and hurlage.

Dear Cupid,
You'll notice I blocked out the names. It's not because I care whether or not you remain anonymous, really. It's because I was so horrified that someone actually wrote that note that I don't want to be associated with you. You did the right thing by sending it to me, though. Valentine's Day is a detestable occasion, and you've given me a great excuse to write that very sentiment. Thanks. Now, I am so glad you see the error of your former ways. I would issue some sort of encouraging remark, like "rock on" or whatever the kids are saying these days, but quite frankly it wouldn't make me feel good about myself. So you'll have to encourage yourself, champ.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda