Friday, September 11, 2009

Dear Bridezilla...

Bitter Amanda,
I'm tired of dating. I want to get married. I've tried everything to convince my man to pop the question.
I left magazines scattered around, open to giant, full-page ads for diamond rings. I hummed "Every kiss belongs to Kay" and every other jewelry store jingle I could think of. I tried to work jewel-related metaphors into every possible conversation: "I wish my hair were PLATINUM." "My cousin's favorite reptile is the DIAMONDback rattlesnake." It didn't work. So I tried reasoning with him: "Look, neither of us are getting any younger, let's just get married;" and I showed him a bunch of spreadsheets proving how much money we could save by living together. He looked at me like I was crazy.
So when all those plans failed, I went the passive-aggressive route: When he asked what I wanted for Christmas I told him "I want to die alone, in my parents' basement, covered in cat hair". He's still not getting the picture.
Is it illegal to drug him and elope while he's high as a kite?
~Waiting Impatiently

Dear Bridezilla,
Well, I can't be sure on the legality of your plan, since each state might have different-- ARE YOU INSANE? You need to tone it down and chill the hell out or you will die alone in your parents' basement, covered in cat hair.
Dating sucks. It's a pain in the ass until you actually have a decent date. I don't blame you for wanting to move on. (But marriage? Really? What, is that shit contagious? Everyone's getting married these days. No thank you.) Here's the problem I'm noticing with your relationship: your boyfriend doesn't want the same thing.
Either he's one of those perennial bachelors who "just doesn't see the point of it" (=fine now but sad in five years) or he doesn't want to marry you. This next thing I'm going to tell you, it could be the thesis of my opinions on relationships.

You deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you.

That could be said in most of the letters I answer. If someone leaves you or treats you badly, well fine. You're too awesome for them. Any disgusting toad who doesn't see that does not deserve you. You eat some ice cream, watch sad movies, cry on the couch, go out and say angry things with your friends--whatever works for you. Then you move on because someone more awesome who will appreciate you is out there. They're elusive, sure, but you can handle the challenge. Me? I'd rather be single than settle.

That being said, I will award points for your varied methods. I like the creativity! But you failed and that's why I'm here. I stand by my advice of moving on. And calming down about the wedding. ...And toning down the crazy, at least a couple notches.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda