Monday, February 25, 2013

Dear Suburban Supervisor...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Does this count as an early mid-life crisis?

I can't leave my husband-to-be unsupervised. I just got home from a three day weekend visiting family with my mom and I came home to find that he bought a hands free step machine, two (2) 3-lbs. hand weights, an Xbox 360 with a Kinect sensor, and an iPhone 5. The reason? He "broke up" with his gym and decided to make his own "gym" at home. He already has a punching bag downstairs from a Black Friday shopping spree and has used the step thing and hand weights while watching football this weekend (Wish I was home to see that!). Why the iPhone? 1.) He is jealous if mine, and 2.) He found an app that counts his squats. Apparently this makes it gym equipment.

My question for you, Bitter Amanda, is should I be angry or concerned about my fiancée's impulsive buys? I'm secretly a little excited to use the Xbox, and am still laughing too much to be objective.

Bewildered in the Suburbs

Dear Suburban Supervisor,
I'm assuming that the money was not a problem here. It sounds like you're not desperately concerned about him spending it, which would have led to an entirely different response. 

So. Is this an early mid-life crisis? Let's...go with yes. For selfish reasons. First of all, his shopping spree is focused on taking care of himself, so that could be a lot worse. He's not a cliched balding guy in a yellow convertible, looking straight up ridiculous. He isn't trying out skinny jeans like all the young guys in his office. An iPhone is pretty good, considering. 
Second of all, he's getting this out of the way early! If this is, in fact, a mid-life (or quarter-life, or third-life, or whatever fraction) crisis, you can just cross it off the list. It's done. Before you're even married. Awesome! 

I think you're good with laughing and enjoying the fruits of his crisis. When the day comes that he announces that you should both quit your jobs, sell your house, and move to Spain because a life of leisure is really what we need!, just remind him that he used his Mid-Life Crisis card already, then you decide where you're moving. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, February 18, 2013

Dear Antihistamine...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Constantly sniffling,
Lady in Love (?)

Dear Antihistamine,
Allergies. Very likely allergies. Take some Benadryl and we'll see you tomorrow. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Dear Ren McCormack...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am fabulously single. No attachments, no drama, but lots and lots of cool friends, including male friends who alternately treat me as "one of the guys" or "the girl" depending if we're, say, getting a beer or going dancing. I dig my lifestyle. My mother, however, does not seem to understand the coolness of my situation. There's apparently been a lot of Valentine's Day specials on morning TV and I think they are getting to her. She has repeatedly told me that I should be dating more. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dating. If someone asks me out, I generally say yes, because I am cool and awesome and fun loving (although there's been more than a few "is this a date?" situations. Bitter Amanda, you may want to put out a handbook on that topic.).  But, it doesn't happen all that frequently, and that's fine by me. I have other ways to spend my time. My mother says, "Well, you should DO things that make them want to ask you out!" And my response to her is twofold: 1) If they haven't asked you out yet, you're not yet on their radar. And to get on their radar after the fact, most guys won't respond unless you throw yourself at them. 2) if I'm going to have to do that, why wouldn't I just ask the fool out myself? It's so much less demeaning. Mom sighs and says she just thinks I will be happier if I date more. How do I get her to realize that I am, in fact, quite happy and not bemoaning my singledom in the slightest?
Footloose and Fancy Free

Dear Ren McCormack,
I'm uncharacteristically proud to read this letter. It's so hard to be an educator and feel like you're talking to yourself, day after day, trying to help people. I mean, you hope you're getting through to someone but...

But this! Look at you, you shining beacon of hope! Embrace your singledom! It's a fun time! You're saving SO MUCH MONEY on holidays! You're a model Single Person and I applaud you! Even more so, given that we're staring down the barrel of Valentine's Day. Fifty gold stars for you. 

Forget what your mom is saying--she's probably going through Baby Fever, where she's starting to panic about not becoming a grandmother and it's happening all around her, and SHE JUST WANTS A BABY TO SNUGGLE, OK? IS THAT SO WRONG? My mom should start a support group for that. 

Keep dancing and doing your thing, Ren. You're doing alright. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda