Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dear Single Lady...

Bitter Amanda,
Seriously, am I the only one offended by Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies"? What pisses me off about the song is this phrase "if you liked it than you should have put a ring on it."
Dear Beyonce: you are a person, not an object that people can just add pretty decorations to. Please refer to yourself as "I" or "me" and not "it". Lets change that phrase to "if you liked me, than you should have given me a ring."
Don't even get me started on the part where she says "Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own." You are not an object to be owned!!
Its hard enough when men go around objectifying women, but here we have a woman objectifying herself. Millions of people listen to your music, and this is the message you're giving them!?! It hurts my soul.
BitterAmanda, how do we convince Beyonce she's sending out shitty messages to young people about the way women should be treated?
Really Irritated in CT

Dear Single Lady,
You have some excellent points. And bonus points were awarded for your letter because I felt your anger! I can't believe how irresponsible some celebrities are regarding the public image they present to young people--young women in particular. I don't think we need to shelter young people, but I think everyone needs to realize what an impact we as a society have on them.
This song has bothered me since Beyonce released it. (Beyonce, this song is great for dancing--why can't you use your powers for good??) To be honest, though, my reason is different from yours. This song was Beyonce trying to record the new Anthem for Single Ladies. She wanted us to have a slumber party and be angry together and I don't know, eat raw cookie dough? Whatever. She wanted to be the figurehead for our new Campaign Against Clueless Men. While normally I can totally get behind the idea, Beyonce seemed to forget one thing:
Her very public relationship with Jay-Z. She's been dating him for years! They got married in April 2008--6 months before she released "Single Ladies." Um, Beyonce? You can't lead the Angry Single Ladies Parade if your husband will be marching next to you. It doesn't feel genuine! It must be easy to say, "hey, guys, you have to treat us better or you can forget it" when you've got a man at home who loves you.
Did you ever talk to an adult when you were in your awkward adolescent phase and hear them tell you it'll get better? That you'll be out of the woods soon? Do you remember that sounding like bullshit in your young ears? Like, "Sure, it's easy for you to say...you've done it. You're living the good life now!"
It's kind of like that. You mean well, but let's be honest...it rings of bullshit.

I'm not sure what we can do about Beyonce--I don't think she reads my website. (She should.) In the meantime, please enjoy this clip which makes me feel 100% better about Beyonce's song.

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dear Bono...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

If a woman needs a man, then a fish needs a bicycle.

P --> Q

If P then Q. P is "a woman needs a man" and Q is "a fish needs a bicycle". Let's break it down. Let's say the fish does not need a bicycle. Q = false. I'll even throw in P = false, women don't need men. So, F --> F = a True statement. Fine. Now, it's been discussed that a woman would like to have a bicycle or a handbag (need), just to have around for it's usefulness when the time comes. P = True, but the poor fish doesn't need that bike so Q = False. T --> F That statement becomes False and therefore, a woman does not need a man even if she says she wants one around for the hell of it simply because that fish does not need a bike. Now, Let's say a fish could use a bicycle and needed it, but the woman still doesn't need a man. F --> T. It's a false statement, the woman is a wrong because if a fish needs a bicycle, then a woman needs a man! Finally, let's say both P and Q are True, then the entire statement is true! So our table looks a little like this:

P --> Q
T -- No man, no fish bike
T -- Woman needs a man but can't have it on the condition that a fish does not need a bike.
F -- A woman does not need a man but a fish needs a bike, and therefore a woman has to have a man because the fish needs a bike.
T -- A woman needs a man and a fish needs a bicycle.

And so it would seem that a lack of fish bicycles is preventing women from needing men. Who would have thought? In our table, as long as there are no fish bikes, there's no need for men AND without fish bikes no woman could ever need a man even if she WANTED to need a man. BUT, 3/4 of the time according to that table... a woman needs a man either because a fish needs a bike, needs a man only because a fish needs a bike, or she simply needs a man but can't have one because a fish does not yet need the bike. Allow me to fastforward.

(T --> T) /\ (F --> T)
T /\ T = True

A woman needs a man so someone should invent a fish bicycle.

Dear Bono,

Wow. Congratulations on passing Logic 101 at your local university. You've definitely pulled out the most germane parts of my previous advice. A fish bicycle is absolutely the solution.

Are you kidding me here? This is preposterous.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Dear Awkward Turtle...

Bitter Amanda,
I like a boy. I think he likes me back. The problem is we are both socially awkward engineers, and we are both too much of a pansy to do anything about it.
Help! What do I do?!
Certified Socially Awkward Nerd

Dear Awkward Turtle,
This is a well-timed letter. I was just last night having a discussion with my partner-in-crime about taking initiative in relationships. The vast majority of women fall into one of thee categories: 1.) Take the lead or take a hike, 2.) I'm an independent woman and I'll handle this myself, thanks, and 3.) Let's just take turns on that because we all know it's tough.
I think it's important for both people to take initiative, although I'm not ashamed to admit that I (like many women) like feeling as though I'm being pursued. (You're an engineer, so let me give you some numbers to work with: I think 60/40 or 70/30 is preferable to 50/50.)
During our discussion, we stumbled upon the idea that your first serious or important relationship really sets the tone for your expectations. As a result, it's not always fair to the people waiting in our future.
However, you've got a smitten engineer on your hands. Back to work, hm?
Usually I'm a big proponent of a man locating his testicles and putting them to good use. But you're dealing with a shy engineer, and they're a difficult breed. Like an abused puppy in the shelter, you have to be careful about your approach. If they come up to you and don't get super positive feedback, they back off. If you approach too quickly, they spook. They won't try too many times if they're feeling rejected.
I think it's time for you to make a perfectly clear move and let him know you're interested.
Good luck!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda