Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dear Sleeping Beauty...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
So I've been busy and stressed out lately - working until 6, 7, and even 9:30. I haven't even had time to call or email my friends. (Admittedly, that's ridiculous, and I'm a bit of an ass for not even tipping my hat in their vague directions.) But back to me... last night, I went to sleep late again, and all I wanted was a few hours of blissful sleep and maybe a nice dream or two. Well, let me tell you, what I got was a doozie about all of the losers I've ever "dated". How do I kick my subconscious in the ass?
Yours truly,
The Nightmare Queen

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
If your friends are remotely awesome, and something tells me that they are, they will understand that work is a bitch. At least you’re not ignoring them in favor of some fling. Because, as we are all aware, that is a despicable, obnoxious habit. And I would tell you (in a beat of my withered, hardened heart) if you were doing that.
I’ve kept your letter at the top of my pile for a few days now, hoping some wisdom would come to me. No such luck. So, because I hate to keep you waiting for so long, I will use my college essay method and fake it.
Try to clear your head before you sleep, sunshine. Something mindless. I like puzzles or catching up on my celebrity gossip. (Shut up.) Drink some cocoa. (Because I feel somewhat incomplete when I give advice without mentioning chocolate.)
And if you happen to figure out a foolproof way to get losers out of your head, please let me know. We can write a book and split the profits.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, March 05, 2007

Dear Abby...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Lately i have been the go to advice girl for all of my friends in relationships. They come to me and ask for help, for thing like gift ideas, and romance advice, all the while they are reminding me that i am single. They don't seem to understand that being single is not something i want to be reminded of every day. I haven't got the heart to tell them to bugger off. What do you think i should do?
~the timid teller

Dear Abby,
So with you on this. I think it's just another way for couples to gloat to single people. A thinly veiled excuse to flaunt their happiness. Because honestly, what would make a person automatically assume that a single lady has all the dating answers? It's just bad logic. Like I said, they're bragging.
If you're looking to quietly back away from your role as Advice Girl, might I suggest pointing people towards an expert? Or me? I'm just...you know...saying.
If subtle hints don't work out, you may have to practice the following. "Leave me alone! I don't give a damn! Ask someone who cares! I'M ALONE!" I've found that the last part can work wonders in many different situations, as well.
Good luck, kiddo.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda