Friday, April 22, 2011

Dear Twitter...

Dear Amanda,

I went to this Peace organization training in Dallas, Texas this weekend. And I was somewhat disturbed to see two semi awkward guys playing with one balloon for over 45 minutes! crazy. It could have been an movie Titled: Two guys one balloon.

I don't expect you to post this, but I do expect you to follow me on twitter,

The kid from D.

Dear Twitter,
That sounds painful to watch. I'm guessing these awkward gentlemen were practicing some really odd, nerdy and anti-social flirting ritual? Whatever works. I could go on for a while here about their need to get out and talk to some girls, unless they're looking for a nerdy boy to hang out uncomfortably which case I'd say they're doing alright for themselves.
However. What I'd really like to address here is concern in two parts. First of all, that you watched this for 45 minutes. That is a seriously long time. Don't you know any girls to talk to? Or have any friends you could hang out with? Or maybe you could have joined in, making it a social event, rather than a sad, voyeuristic sideshow. There are lots of alternatives. My other concern is that you've likened this experience to a graphic, gross internet porn phenomenon. I'm not sure what, but it definitely says something about you, D.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS: Despite this, I will follow you on twitter. Don't disappoint! *ba

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Dear Dazed...

Is the following a compliment, or should I be offended? "I kinda want to see you when you're 50. You're so pretty now... who knows what can go wrong before then!"

-slightly confused

Dear Dazed,
...What? baffling. I about mixed messages. Let's break it down.
I kinda want to see you when you're 50. This could be "I am letting you know that in 20-some years I would still like to look at your face" in which case that's nice. Odd way of phrasing it, but nice. You're so pretty now... hey now, that's better! Pretty is a very straightforward word. who knows what can go wrong before then! Wait, what? I do not understand.
It comes down to who delivered this remark. A passive-aggressive aunt, speaking to a lifestyle she doesn't approve of with a thin smile on her face? Take offense. Then tell her she'll probably be dead by then. An ex? Take offense and then be glad he's gone. However, I suspect that it's neither of these. I imagine that it's a boy you may or may not be interested in. Who may or may not be interested in you. But those are two pretty important factors. Do you or don't you? Does he or doesn't he?
I'll tell you one thing--it doesn't matter. Because until a man can deliver a straight up compliment, he hasn't figured his shit out and he'll continue to hand out bizarre half-compliments masked in a veil of snark. Trying out some nonsense douchebag-endorsed dating advice, no doubt.
Ladies, do not accept a compliment unless you're positive it's meant as one.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda