Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Dear Jumpsuit Barbie...

Dear Bitter Amanda, 

I just got spam from a designer clothes outlet informing me that jumpsuits are a fashionable trend on the horizon. IN WHAT UNIVERSE?!? 

Enraged Fashionista

Dear Jumpsuit Barbie,

Not even worried. It was in your spam folder, right? Have you ever read any of those messages? They're full of random words and phrases in hopes that something will seem legit and trick you into opening it. It honestly looks like two toddlers had a conversation in another language, while another toddler took the minutes, then popped it into google translate. 

There's a reason this email went to your spam folder. It's nonsense. Rest easy, fashionista. 

HOWEVER, on the off chance that this email is legit and jumpsuits are trending...well, I consider my onesie a jumpsuit. Fashion trend for spring: comfort

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Dear Daydream Believer...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I don't know if you interpret dreams on a regular basis, but I had a strange one I'd like to get your opinion on.  In it, I ran into two guys I used to know; one from high school, one from a job.  I wasn't really close with either of them, and I don't even think they ever met each other in real life.  But in the dream, they are both fighting for my attention. It was like they were trying to determine "alpha male" with me as some sort of prize.  At one point in   the dream the tension between them was so thick I went to the bathroom not to pee, but to get away from them. (Random side note: I got lost on the way to the bathroom, which was on the other side of a field and more like a large outhouse with a bunch of women changing into bathing suits even though it was late, cold, and nowhere around to swim.)

But why are guys I haven't seen in years popping up in my dream? I wasn't close to them, wasn't attracted to them, and don't speak to them anymore. And could the fighting for my attention symbolize something else that's going on in real life (because guys fighting over me isn't exactly happening in the real world.)  And I'm a feminist, why wasn't I upset in the dream when I was being objectified and fought over like a trophy?  Is my subconscious trying to tell me something, or am I trying to read too much into this?


~Confused Dreamer

Dear Daydream Believer,
Ok, so I'm going to confess a few things here. One, I sometimes read my horoscope. Two, I've been to see a psychic...twice. And three, I probably still have the dream dictionary I got at the book fair in middle school. 

But I am not touching your dream. After all, all that weird shit happened in your head. This is about your perspective. When it comes to dreams, even the internet can't agree on things--I did a google search on the meaning of a dream about teeth falling out--a common theme, apparently. Some people say it's anxiety, other that it's about losing something important. Freud, of course, says it's about sexual repression--we get it, Freud. So you see what I'm saying? It's not exact. 

So this is on you, Dreamer. You can think about your dream and try to stumble onto some personal meaning. Or you can chill the fuck out, because yeah, you're probably reading way too much into this. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda