Thursday, September 28, 2006

Dear Enjoying...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I was shocked and appalled recently when I opened an envelope addressed to 'Current Single Resident' that was sent to my home. Inside was a survey you were asked to fill out if you were 'not happy with your current [single] situation.' If you answer yes to a series of ridiculous questions, you are asked to contact this organization who has the registered trademark The Relationship Experts. They offer to introduce you to a stream of people to meet and fall in love with. The most horrendous part of letter was they claim to send this letter out to millions of people each month. How is a company that makes money by making single people feel inadequate, unloved, and hopeless be allowed to exist? They also end the letter by sincerely apologizing to those who are married or involved in a serious relationship for receiving the letter. They even have a website that you can register with to find that "special someone". What can be done about stopping this horrendous organization?
Enjoying the Single Life

ps. Since simply describing the letter can not truly convey its horrific nature, I will try to get a hard copy of it to you.

Dear Enjoying,
First of all, I am quite happy to hear that you're lovin' the single life. If I was the type of person who felt good about saying "you go girl!" I'd do it right now. I am not, however, that type of person. I, too, am shocked and appalled by the sound of this letter! So I did a little googling. (FINALLY, my internet stalking skills are put to good use.) The company's website for finding a soulmate is very vague. Here are a couple observations, though. First of all, they claim to produce a match every 17 minutes and a marriage each day. I'm curious to know how many divorces they produce, but that kind of statistic is surprisingly unavailable. Second of all, their "In the Media" section reads much like ads for a terrible film. Generic, diplomatic statements such as "Business is booming!" and "The largest dating service out there!" Not exactly helpful.
Further googling led me to a website about revealing scams. According to several users, it's ridiculously expensive. This explains why they send out millions of letters--the more you send, the greater the odds of someone signing up.
Ok then, now that I've filled readers in on what I learned, onto your question! My guess about this company is that they'll self-destruct. As most evil things do, in time. Until then, you could start a smear campaign online--make a facebook group! Those are popular with the kids these days, I hear. Or, just remind yourself that you're better than them and their time is running out. Also, I would love a hard copy of that!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Fabio...

*universally accepted male nod acknowledging presence*
Hey, Bitter Amanda, here's a dilemma.
So, I'm a tall, handsome sociable kind of fellow (think Fabio with bigger shoes) and everywhere I go, I seem to be bombarded with female problems. Recently, I moved to a remote location in the hopes of changing my life and the entire course of future events for the world...but, as usual, the women have found me. I try to keep them separate, but once I take on over 10 at a time, complications arise. How can a super-suave big-deal like me survive in a world with such femalian desires to be sated!?
Sincerely Everyone's,
Mobbed in Paradise

Dear Fabio,
Unbelievable. You are the reason women have to buy books like He's Just Not That Into You. YOU! I hope you're ok living with that kind of knowledge. It is so typical that you would believe you can "change the entire course of future events for the world." Because, you know, the world revolves around you, right?
But I digress. You wanted advice. So here's what I think you should do, big guy. STOP DATING TEN WOMEN AT ONCE. Contrary to what you may believe, you are not the only man around, and I'm sure these women can do better than you. You don't have to make a martyr out of yourself and date the entire female population. There are other men around, and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to give you a hand. Try outsourcing, mmmkay?

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS- For future reference, women don't generally like to be part of a harem. Pick one woman! And when you're not with her, keep it in your pants! See how that goes for you. (Assface.) *ba

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dear Only Child...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
You don't know, but my name is Cindy Lynn from Taylor (Don't go stereo-typing me puh-leese!) and I heard about your blog from a friend of a friend of a friend and just wanted to share some thoughts. You know, Madonna says in her Confessions on a Dance Floor: "If its bitter at the start, then its sweeter in the end." She just captures so many universal truths in her songs, doesn't she? So, here is my story: I have always tried to be a positive optimist - a postimist if U like! (giggle, giggle). Pretty perky most of the time and looking for the sunny side of things, even when they're kind of really crappy. So I've been doing this like most of my young life now, but its starting to wear a little thin where me and my beau are concerned. (See , even gals from Taylor-tucky know a little parlay-vous!) Me and my sweetie have been dating since early on in high school and now that we're in college its time to think of wedding bells. Or so I have dreamed and planned. But now I'm not so sure. When we were first dating, things were peachy! He was always really attentive and we were just really in Love - like Soulmates, really. He'd always walk me to my classes and we'd smooch a little before the bell. It was great. He's a real looker too - great bunz! But the last year or so he started to change. Like on Valentine's Day. We met for a cozy lunch and I surprised him with this sweet red cardigan sweater so he and I could wear our Valentine colors together. Kind of another way of connecting with each other. I had a red skirt and jacket with a white blouse and we just looked so good together! So when we sat down at this little booth, he sat ACROSS from me! Not NEXT to me where we could hold hands and have an immanent conversation about us and our future. And all he cared about was getting his skillet breakfast in a hurry so he could get back to work!I know he still Loves me, but I want him to be In Love with me, like I still am with him!So for me it was sweet at the start and if things keep going like they are, I will be bitter in the end. But see, you are just the opposite, so if you hang in there, sister, the bitterness CAN turn to sweetness. I'm afraid I have no place to go but to the bitter side.
"Somehow, betwixt and between the two of us, doth lie the answers we bothe seeketh."
(I think that was from Romeo and Juliet - Taylor chicks dig Shakespeare, too!)
Anyway, I feel like we're really like sisters, so can I call you Mandy?
Please let me hear your advise! U R so wise!
Cindy Lynn

Dear Only Child,
I'm only assuming, of course. Either you're an only child or you have seriously unsatisfying relationships with any siblings you do have. No, you may not call me Mandy. Unless you are upwards of 70 years old or still in single digits. (Both of which I doubt.)
Now, onto other matters. I've been racking my brain on this one. (It should be noted, also, that I never want to hear about your sweetie or his behind again. Gag.)
So things were good. You found your Prince Charming. That's awesome. I hate being the bearer of bad news, but someone has to tell you, cupcake. Men are different! They don't hear the wedding bells like women do! Sometimes, Valentine's Day is just another day - and sometimes they want to sit alone on one side of the booth. Bottom line: if you want more and he just wants his skillet breakfast, something isn't working. I can't do the proposing, so you should talk to him. So basically, you've got to either fix it with him or find someone better! (Good luck - there are A LOT of toads.)
"I must be cruel only to be kind;
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind."
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Dear Brownie...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I really want to find the stupid factory and burn it down. You know, the one where boys are made. I really want to do my part in saving the world from further pain and bitterness. What should I do? And where can I find this stupid goddamn factory?
always a fan,
Brownie Gone Bad

Dear Brownie,
Ahh, yes. The infamous Stupid Factory. The Death Star for Y chromosomes, if you will. The epicenter of their evil empire. Here's the thing about the Death Star: they rebuilt it. Even blowing it up didn't work! They'll still be around even if they have no home base. And much like the HQ of any decent evil operation, the location is a mystery. There's probably a secret handshake involved.
If you got rid of the Stupid Factory, how would you feel? Would you miss boys? Would you be able to live with the guilt? You have to search your soul for the answers here--I think you'll find that you don't really want boys gone. You just want someone nice and caring who will change your mind about men.

Wow, I almost couldn't get through all that without laughing! HAHA search your soul. Good one. Really, because of legal whatnot, I can't encourage arson. Sorry.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, September 22, 2006

Dear Running...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
People tell me I have a problem with being TOO bitter. I gag when I see couples holding hands, yell things such as "he's cheating on you" and "she has gonorrhea" at couples who are making out, and last week I set a newly engaged couples house on fire! Ok, maybe its been more like five newly engaged couples houses on fire, and now the cops have me as their primary suspect. Is there any way to tone down the intensity of my bitterness to a safe, non-threatening, legal level of bitter?
Running From the Cops

Dear Running,
Too bitter?? Surely you jest! I can't even imagine such a thing. Although this lady will be the first to admit--this attitude is not for the faint of heart. And believe it or not, my friends (yes, I have friends) have accused me of the very same thing!
Down to business. I am not concerned with your gagging or yelling and the like. Really, couples, if you insist on behaving in such a tasteless manner, you deserve what you're getting. (PS, couples, stop showing off. You're happy, I get it. Now shut up.) My concern for you is the legal aspect. No jury, unless I'm the entire jury, would let you off for the things you're describing. The way I see it, you have two options to tone down your behavior. One would be to have a drink. Maybe a little buzz would do you good. However, going through life with a buzz...not so good. So, let's try the second one, shall we? Maybe you're not putting enough energy into the yelling and gagging. Try to do it more often; louder. That should get the rage out before you do anything illegal. Give it a try! If it doesn't...well....let's not think about that, ok? Keep me posted on the progress!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, September 18, 2006

Dear Desperate...

Dear Bitter Amanda:
I have this thing for a guy I'll call "Billy Joe." Unfortunately, he's been married to the same woman since before I was born, and he has two kids with her. Also, I don't even think he knows my name! I've met him three times, (and by met I mean saw him live in concert from afar) but I still don't think he knows I exist. Bitter Amanda, how can I get this totally hot rock-star to leave his wife and kids to marry me on top of a mountaintop, where there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs, and we'll dance till the sun rises?
PS. You'll totally be invited to the wedding.

Dear Desperate,
I was all for breaking up the marriage until I got to the part about kids. That means you're breaking up a family, and even I have a hard time with that. Plus, do you really want to be a stepmother? I've got a great plan for you! Look around for a cover band--it sounds like this guy might be at least semi-famous. I mean, I could be wrong about it...but...well, I'm not. So, find a band that sounds like them and looks like them, and work your magic!
Just for the record, I appreciate the invite, but I can only tolerate weddings if there is an open bar, I don't have to catch the bouquet or do the chicken dance, and you don't mind me making gagging noises if things get too cutesy.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Dear Superstar...

dear bitter amanda,
when i was a little girl, i saved this weird boy from drowning in a community pool. i knew he was weird because he acted weird, and also had a scar that looked like a jellyfish. i saw him years later (i recognized his sealife scar) and he is still very weird, but i really need a boyfriend, so i can make sky corrigan very jealous and realize i am meant to be with him. but he is just so awkward looking and weird... but at the same time... i sort of actually like him... except hes ugly so i really can't. it's just that... well, sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much. what ever should i do?
mary "superstar" (thats not my real last name, its a name i am using as a pseudonym because i am writing to an advice column)

Dear Superstar,
First of all, you don't need a boyfriend. They're usually pretty lame. Second of all, stay away from the jealousy game. I'm not saying you shouldn't play games because they're childish or dishonest or any of that nonsense. I'm saying you shouldn't play games because boys are oblivious to that sort of thing, so unless your game involves you saying, slowly and to his face, "I want to be with you," he probably won't get it.
However, if you really like the awkward kid, go for it. I find that the awkward ones are the ones you end up having a lot of fun with. As for what people say, forget them. Basically, people suck 93% of the time.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, September 15, 2006

Dear Concerned...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I want to prevent my teenage daughters from engaging in premarital fornication, but I'm afraid that if I forbid them from dating, they might become bitter! What should I do?
-Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned,
First of all, you're right to be worried. Before you take any action, I want you to weigh your options--would you rather they come down with a case of bitterness or a case of something that can only be treated by a doctor?
Now then. Down to business. What you need is a cautionary tale. Fairy tales used to be pretty gory--ask the Grimm Brothers. Why? Because they scared children. What your little princesses need is to be scared into virginity. Google some STDs...the pictures you'll get aren't pretty. Go ahead and turn them into your screensaver. Print them and stick them inside lunch bags. Leave them under pillows, tape them to mirrors--however you see fit. (As a bonus, other kids will probably think they're weird and will think twice about asking them out.)
It's a scary world out there, and you need to protect your kids. (If they say they hate you, go ahead and blame me. Because really, I don't care if they hate me.) Best of luck, Mom.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Dear Parched...

dear bitter amanda,
someone told me that when it rains it pours. unfortunately there's no rain in sight, and there hasn't been for quite some time. do you have any advice for what to do about a drought?

Dear Parched,
I've heard the old rain adage myself. I've been asking around--and there seems to be a nationwide drought! The silver lining here (yes, even I look for the silver lining sometimes!) is that it's not you. Take comfort in that, dear one. Unfortunately, until the rain starts to shape up and behave a little better, it doesn't look like the skies will open. Just keep an eye on the clouds, Dryspell.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, September 11, 2006

Dear Strawberry...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have a crush on this girl who most definitely does not reciprocate. She likes the penis. She also happens to be quite bitter and often makes statements like, "I'M ALONE!" when you try to take the last chocolate covered strawberry. Do you think there's any hope for me to turn that black heart into at least a navy blue?
Chocolate strawberry lover.

Dear Strawberry,
Wow. She sounds like a heinous bitch! (And also: awesome. She and I should hang out sometime.) Obviously this girl is stupid, since not only does she like boys, who are the enemy, but she can't see how hot you are! She's lame, obviously. My advice is to move on. Find someone new--hey, I just got a letter from someone you might like! She was recently arrested, but if you don't mind that kind of thing, she's perfect! Just don't tell me how it goes, because...gag.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS: For your own good, it's probably better that you not touch her chocolate anymore. I fear you might lose a hand. *ba

Dear Hopeful...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
My date and I had a really good time, and he was really awesome, and I really thought that we had a connection, and if we had children they would definitely have blue eyes and their last name would be "Harrison", which I think is really nice. BUT, he hasn't called me back yet, and it's been six months. What should I do? I've tried setting up a tent outside of his window, but I got arrested! Any advice?
-The Hopeful Mrs. Harrison

Dear Hopeful,
Or rather, "hopeless." It's not you--I promise! It never is. Here's the thing: if my date set up camp at my house to get my attention, my black, bitter heart would have actually beat. I kid you not. What's important to remember in this scenario is that he's a man and therefore bound to a. suck at life, and b. be an asshole. My advice to you is cut your losses. You're too hot to wait around for him.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Hot Cocoa...

dearest bitter amanda,
tell me why i always sit next to it-was-nice-to-meet-you-call-me-sometime guy? where is can-i-have-your-number-would-you-like-to-go-out-for-hot-chocolate-on-saturday guy? please, if you see him, send him my way.
hugs and sunshine,

Dear Hot Cocoa,
I understand your dilemma. We've all found ourselves wondering that very same thing! Straight women everywhere send such a question into the universe every day. Where are all the "I'll call YOU and make plans" men? Lovely Lisa, it pains me greatly to break the news to you--but someone has to do it. There ARE no such men. They are an urban legend; a fairy tale.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda