Dear Running...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
People tell me I have a problem with being TOO bitter. I gag when I see couples holding hands, yell things such as "he's cheating on you" and "she has gonorrhea" at couples who are making out, and last week I set a newly engaged couples house on fire! Ok, maybe its been more like five newly engaged couples houses on fire, and now the cops have me as their primary suspect. Is there any way to tone down the intensity of my bitterness to a safe, non-threatening, legal level of bitter?
Thanks,
Running From the Cops


Dear Running,
Too bitter?? Surely you jest! I can't even imagine such a thing. Although this lady will be the first to admit--this attitude is not for the faint of heart. And believe it or not, my friends (yes, I have friends) have accused me of the very same thing!
Down to business. I am not concerned with your gagging or yelling and the like. Really, couples, if you insist on behaving in such a tasteless manner, you deserve what you're getting. (PS, couples, stop showing off. You're happy, I get it. Now shut up.) My concern for you is the legal aspect. No jury, unless I'm the entire jury, would let you off for the things you're describing. The way I see it, you have two options to tone down your behavior. One would be to have a drink. Maybe a little buzz would do you good. However, going through life with a buzz...not so good. So, let's try the second one, shall we? Maybe you're not putting enough energy into the yelling and gagging. Try to do it more often; louder. That should get the rage out before you do anything illegal. Give it a try! If it doesn't...well....let's not think about that, ok? Keep me posted on the progress!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda