Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dear Only Child...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
You don't know, but my name is Cindy Lynn from Taylor (Don't go stereo-typing me puh-leese!) and I heard about your blog from a friend of a friend of a friend and just wanted to share some thoughts. You know, Madonna says in her Confessions on a Dance Floor: "If its bitter at the start, then its sweeter in the end." She just captures so many universal truths in her songs, doesn't she? So, here is my story: I have always tried to be a positive optimist - a postimist if U like! (giggle, giggle). Pretty perky most of the time and looking for the sunny side of things, even when they're kind of really crappy. So I've been doing this like most of my young life now, but its starting to wear a little thin where me and my beau are concerned. (See , even gals from Taylor-tucky know a little parlay-vous!) Me and my sweetie have been dating since early on in high school and now that we're in college its time to think of wedding bells. Or so I have dreamed and planned. But now I'm not so sure. When we were first dating, things were peachy! He was always really attentive and we were just really in Love - like Soulmates, really. He'd always walk me to my classes and we'd smooch a little before the bell. It was great. He's a real looker too - great bunz! But the last year or so he started to change. Like on Valentine's Day. We met for a cozy lunch and I surprised him with this sweet red cardigan sweater so he and I could wear our Valentine colors together. Kind of another way of connecting with each other. I had a red skirt and jacket with a white blouse and we just looked so good together! So when we sat down at this little booth, he sat ACROSS from me! Not NEXT to me where we could hold hands and have an immanent conversation about us and our future. And all he cared about was getting his skillet breakfast in a hurry so he could get back to work!I know he still Loves me, but I want him to be In Love with me, like I still am with him!So for me it was sweet at the start and if things keep going like they are, I will be bitter in the end. But see, you are just the opposite, so if you hang in there, sister, the bitterness CAN turn to sweetness. I'm afraid I have no place to go but to the bitter side.
"Somehow, betwixt and between the two of us, doth lie the answers we bothe seeketh."
(I think that was from Romeo and Juliet - Taylor chicks dig Shakespeare, too!)
Anyway, I feel like we're really like sisters, so can I call you Mandy?
Please let me hear your advise! U R so wise!
Love,
Cindy Lynn


Dear Only Child,
I'm only assuming, of course. Either you're an only child or you have seriously unsatisfying relationships with any siblings you do have. No, you may not call me Mandy. Unless you are upwards of 70 years old or still in single digits. (Both of which I doubt.)
Now, onto other matters. I've been racking my brain on this one. (It should be noted, also, that I never want to hear about your sweetie or his behind again. Gag.)
So things were good. You found your Prince Charming. That's awesome. I hate being the bearer of bad news, but someone has to tell you, cupcake. Men are different! They don't hear the wedding bells like women do! Sometimes, Valentine's Day is just another day - and sometimes they want to sit alone on one side of the booth. Bottom line: if you want more and he just wants his skillet breakfast, something isn't working. I can't do the proposing, so you should talk to him. So basically, you've got to either fix it with him or find someone better! (Good luck - there are A LOT of toads.)
"I must be cruel only to be kind;
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind."
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

2 comments:

Cindy Lynn said...

Bitter AND Biting Amanda no doubt!
Touché, touché, Oh how you do slay!
Well, those cold, steely words of yours pierced the thin armour of my perkiness and hit home alright. What a perceptive little beast you are ... AMANDA! Hit where it hurts and don't pull any punches.

Well, after sobbing uncontrollably for what seemed like an eternity, I put on a new face and watched a few tapes of Desperate Housewives to collect my wits.

In all honesty, AMANDA, I was offended and taken aback by your blatant, abject refusal of friendship on account of my perkiness and innate, unexplainable, feelings of sister ship with you.

But when all is said and done ... THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You have e-Slapped my to my senses!

I now see the truth that unfortunately is my wretched, pathetic life.

So Little Miss Perky and Positive is really just as bitter as you, and I dare say, maybe more. Here it is, Saturday evening, and I am sitting here alone writing to you - someone who blatantly
refuses to be my friend - because, yes, I have no friends. I had a tiff with my soon-to-be-ex-sweetie, my two sisters are out together, leaving me here alone to try not to gag from my mother's second hand smoke and the smell of stale beer in this God forsaken double-wide!

OK. I admit it. I was only using my boyfriend and our marriage plans as a way out of this wretched Hell called Taylor-tucky. Can you blame a girl for doing what she's got to do? Can you? Maybe you can, Oh, Bitterest One!

So now that I've confessed my bitterness, can I be your friend and call you Mandy?

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese????

Yours truly in deeply caustic bitterness,
Cindy Lynn

Amanda said...

Dear Cupcake,
I hoped I'd hear back from you!
But really, I know you didn't expect me to hold your hand and tell you everything would be okay, did you? If you want coddling, you write to Dear Abby. You want the truth, you turn to me. I just call 'em like I see 'em.
You seem like a darling girl, and I'm endlessly pleased I was able to help you see the light. But you're not doing yourself any favors by only conversing with a bitter, cynical woman. Get your truly sunshiny self out there, Cupcake! Make some friends, meet some men, and get yourself out of your little hell!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS- Seriously, I go by Amanda. Just move on. *ba