Dear Bitter Amanda, 

Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for the last 4 years, and lived together the last 8 months. Recently, she told me she would no longer give me any more "oral favors". I was pretty upset, but didnt think it warranted a breakup, afterall-I do love her. Well, about a month ago, me and the boys went to the local gentlemens club for some harmless fun, but I am torn if the fun was indeed harmless. One of the fine young ladies who worked at the club told me she was "extremely talented" in the art of oral favors, to which I felt an instant connection to her. Later, I was able to find out just how talented she was for a small donation for her time (and believe me, she is quite talented). I have returned the last 2 weeks for her companionship, and honestly, I am only in it for the "help". I still love my girl, and I wish she would be the one to "help" me, but she refuses. I need an experts advice, am I cheating on her? Should I come clean with her and tell her what I've been up to?

PS- do these "favors" actually count toward my total number of conquests even though I've not technically slept with them? (I hope not, I have not been counting them)

Thanks for your help, 

-Love sucks 




Dear Sucks,
Seriously? Are you serious? Not judging you or anything but...really? 


This...will take a while. Find a seat, sir. AND NOT ON TOP OF A STRIPPER. 


Guys, I know you think women consult each other too much when it comes to their relationships. We get mocked for our dating by majority rule. But guess what? If I was in your situation and ran this by a friend, there is no way it would have gone down like this. (Yes, I went there.) MY FRIENDS WOULD ALL STOP ME. And I wish, Sucks, that you had run this plan by at least one other person who was not letting their penis do all the thinking. 
I have to ask what predicated your poor girlfriend's decision to stop blowing you. Does it have anything to do with you dating her for four years without taking your commitment to the next level? Or does it have something to do with you being kind of a douche? Just looking for clarification here, homeboy. 
Did you really tell me you felt a connection to this young lady? That's the answer you're sticking with? You saw a good deal of her naked body and she told you she's talented when it comes to the penis and then you magically felt a connection? I think I know how I can find the future Mr. Bitter. BECAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD WORK ON ANYONE WITH AN INTEREST IN BREASTS. (Yes, I will continue to yell. Get used to it.) 


Are you cheating on your girl? Yes. Yes, you are. You're sexually involved with another person? And your girl doesn't know about it? That's cheating. Unless you two are in an explicitly open relationship, there is no way that isn't cheating. You don't need an expert to figure that out. This is unequivocal cheating. You disgusting ass. (Ok, maybe I am judging a little.)
 Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


PS-No, I will not help you figure out the calculations for your manwhore math. That's all on you, buddy. 

Dear Bitter Amanda,

1) How do you get rid of a hickey?

2) How do you seek vengeance after the culprit has run away like a coward?

I hear you are an expert in such matters.

~Herb

Dear Love Bites,

Sorry it's taken me a couple days to get back to you. I was really busy laughing. As luck would have it, I do know a thing or two about hickeys! 

1. A little ice, a little concealer, and a little prayer of thanks that scarves are popular right now. 

2. Depends on why you're seeking vengeance. Are you mad because he marked you or because he abandoned you? If it's the former, then revenge is your course of action. Let me tell you--bruised and purple lips (and not from a Chris Brown...I'm talking about purple lips acquired in a good way) are not only super hard to cover up, but much harder for men to handle. (Here, this lip gloss should cover it nicely OH WAIT.) If it's the latter...then call him out on it. Tell your would-be vampire that at least Edward Cullen had the decency to politely stalk Bella. 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Bitter Amanda,

I have two friends who plan on moving in together. The one who is buying the house is madly in love with the other one - who is totally a leach and just looking for someone to pay all the bills. And probably do all the housework. I can totally forsee the following conversation: "I know I broke the fridge, but its not my house. You buy a new one, I'm not doing it.Its your fridge."

Basically, its going to be a trainwreck. I think lovesick girl is too infatuated to see that she will be taken advantage of. Do I warn her? I don't think she'd listen. She'd probably be mad I'm speaking poorly of her crush, and then rat me out.

What should I do?

PsychicPredictingBadThings

Dear Miss Cleo, 

I know your train wreck friend. I mean, I don't know this one in particular, but we all have a Train Wreck Friend. The one constantly making bad choices but unable to understand the severity of them until it's too late. The one you try to warn, try to reason with...to no avail. (...I actually might also BE that friend.) She's a great friend, always good for a story or two. But have you ever seen that friend listen to your observations and say, "Hey, that's a great point. This IS going to blow up in my face...maybe I'll get out before it's too late!" 

No. No, you have not. Because Train Wreck Friend does not listen. TWF makes her own mistakes and does it over and over again. TWF might learn one day, but we don't hold our breath and wait for that. 

Don't do it. Resist the urge! You said yourself, she won't listen and she'll get mad. And when she tells the other friend what you said, both of them will be pissed at you. Actually, that might bring them closer together, having a unified cause. Couples get so much more annoying after they've bonded over something like that. For the sake of everyone around them, stay out of it. 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Bitter Amanda,


Being married adds some challenges to friendships. I've have many different friendships from different walks in my life. Now that I'm married when I meet up with my friends I want my husband to be their friends also. This gets tricky when your friends are also married. You hope your husband will become friends with your friends husband, but it's not that easy. Why is this so hard for men? I thought men could make friends easier then women but every time my husband meets my friends husbands they don't seem to hit it off (or at the least it takes a while). I thought this concept would be easy for men, that my husband would make new best friends. How can I make my husbands transition to new friends easier? Thanks Bitter Amanda.


- Frustrated Friendship Maker




Dear Match.com,
This is a tricky one. Male bonding is weird thing. It's almost as if men know when you want them to bond, and refuse to do so easily. A bit like a petulant child, they will bond with those you wish they'd avoid--the guy you hate at work, your ex boyfriend, your father--and when you find someone suitable, they have zero interest. I think it goes back to the idea that men like the chase--when you hand them a new built-in friend, it's too easy. You have to approach this the way you approached him before you were together--play hard to get. Don't force the friendship. 
Men seem to bond over rather silly things--"Oh, you like this shitty, generic beer? I, too, enjoy that shitty, generic beer! Let's drink some of that together and complain about the awesome women in our lives who don't care if we go out and complain over shitty, generic beer! Let's also yell at our favorite local sports team in the appropriate sports vernacular!" You and your friend should do some good old-fashioned nagging while the four of you are together. Nothing bonds men quite so quickly as facing a ridiculous stereotype of women. They'll retreat to whatever spot they can find resembling a depressing "man cave" and roll their eyes about you before engaging in the above conversation. 
Also note that guys making friends often does not resemble women making friends. Women make plans and think of things to do, fill their social calendar in the excitement of a new friend. They hear life stories and tag pictures on facebook. Men are more casual in this regard. You might meet his friend's wife and go on about how great she is and how you're going to lend her that book you talked about! Maybe you'll join a book club together! But not him. You likely won't hear these things--consider it a positive sign if he agrees to all hang out again. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bitter Amanda, 


Someone once asked me, "Is it possible for two people to love each other and not want to be with each other (or want to continue being alone)?" I didn't have a decent answer for them, but I'm hoping you do. 


Also, while we're on the subject, does love even exist? 


Emotionally Stunted.




Dear Stuntwoman, 
I assume we're talking love in a romantic way? (Gross. I hate the R word.) I'll surprise everyone by saying yes, I believe it does exist. Not in the way that movies make you think it does because come on, Ryan Gosling is not knocking on my door and that's the real tragedy here. It exists in ways that aren't always pretty or easy. And most of the time someone (MEN) screws it up by being a total douchebag. But sure, let's operate on the assumption that love exists. It gets thrown around and tangled by previously mentioned douchebaggery or the universe or the dude's girlfriend/wife that he neglected to tell you about. (Or maybe he did.) It doesn't fit into your life or you won't let it fit into your life or whatever. 
Basically, I'm saying there are a lot of factors working against you and your personal Ryan Gosling. Not all love results in a relationship. We have to start being ok with that. Relationships are a big pain in the ass and they are SUPER high maintenance. Have you ever tried to buy a birthday present for a boyfriend? Talk about stress. Who has that kind of time? 
Blech. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I asked a female friend out on a "official " date after a friendly brunch that seemed to have went really well. She didn't even give me the common courtesy of a no. She simply just didn't answer and in the sparse meetings since, has pretended like it never happened. This is the second time this has happened to me this year (different female each time). I've never been upset over rejection, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it's a real kick to the pride to not even garner enough respect for a polite "No thank you." Should I say anything?

Curiously,

-J.R.R Not so Tolkien

Dear Frodo,

Man, some of us can be super bitchy. You don't have to agree with me, but seriously.

I think you and I have both figured out that she's not interested in dating you. (And if you hadn't figured that out...sorry. But when I like someone and they ask me out I finish all my sentences. Particularly ones about whether I'd like to go out again.) I dated a guy like this one time. He was moving away while we were dating. He stopped calling, then moved away and we never broke up or talked about it or anything. At a family Christmas party that year, an aunt asked what happened to "that nice boy." I was about to say we had broken up...when I realized I couldn't. In fact, we might technically still be dating at this very moment. (Actually by now we might be common law married. Hmm.)

You should absolutely say something, if only so this girl realizes that she's socially inept. You know, kind of like, "Hey, I didn't realize a dinner invite would take this long for you to make up your mind--are you able to decide sooner if it's just coffee?" That would sufficiently embarrass me, were I in her shoes.

OH WAIT. Did you actually ask her out? As in, "Would you like to have dinner/see a movie/make babies/play mini-golf next week/this weekend/soon?" If you did, then you totally deserve an answer.

And if not...if you were all, "Oh hey wanna hang sometime?" then you should just be quiet. Because that's not a date invite. That's a verbal text message to your boys and it will not do in a romantic setting.

Just have to check, Frodo.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Today, I overheard a conversation where a woman said that she had only two and a half boyfriends all her life. I'm kind of smart but I can't figure out how someone dates half a person. Please explain.

Sincerely,

Math-is-hard Barbie

Dear Numbers,

That half boyfriend is probably someone she dated while she studied abroad and after she returned home she never saw him. Despite any feelings she had for him and what they told Facebook, he didn't really count as a boyfriend because they didn't have to go through the motions of a relationship. That sort of thing. They slept together and she feels weird leaving him off her list.

I guess it could be a matter of a short man? Or a guy missing a testicle? But those seem rather petty--and trust me, I've been there and I would not call them half men.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda