Thursday, June 19, 2008


Darling readers,

I regret to inform you that I'll be taking a three week hiatus from advising the lame, pathetic, and otherwise hopeless.

HA I so do not regret it. That was hard to type! I'm going to Italy for summer camp, kids, so write to Dear Abby if you're desperate while I'm gone!

Solitarily yours (but not until mid-July),
Bitter Amanda

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Dear Clingy...

Bitter Amanda,
So, I emailed you not too long ago asking about greeting cards for STDs. I decided to do some research on my own.
The first web site that pops up for a google search of "gonorrhea greeting card" is titled FamilyFun... a Disney website. Twisted... but unfortunately the Disney website doesn't have any "sorry about that STD" cards I'm looking for.
~Still Itchy

Dear Clingy,
"Not too long ago"? Your emails came 34 minutes apart. Do you think I stare at my inbox all day, waiting for emails? Um, I have a life.
Get over the greeting cards.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, June 13, 2008

Dear Herp...

Do they make greeting cards saying "Sorry I gave you an STD?"

~Itchy in CT

Dear Herp,
Um, gross. They don't. Know why? Because that's the kind of card nobody wants. Just stick to the obligatory "maybe you should get tested" phone call and be done with it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Dear Distressed...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Guys keep asking for my advice. Not just on appearance or video games, but GIRLS! I'm pretty obviously straight AND a tomboy, so it's hard to see why I'd seem like such a beacon of wisdom. And to make things worse, men I'm attracted to are also asking me for advice on other females. How do I make them stop?!
Damsel in Combat Boots

Dear Distressed,
Bastards. Their asking you is actually kind of a compliment, in terms of cloudy, ridiculous boy stuff. I know, it doesn't feel like one, but trust me. Two options for you, Doc Marten. You can start giving really shitty advice, which will absolutely make them stop coming to you for help. Practice this line: "Tell that bitch she's batshit-crazy." That ought to cover most of your bases, in terms of advice. (Oh no, giving away my secrets...)
If you're not into alienating yourself from all your friends, then perhaps you should go with Option Two. Be more forward about your interest in them--then use THIS advice for them: "Tell her to leave you alone and then ask me the hell out because buddy, I will not wait around forever for you to get a clue."
Just remember this if things go well: getting a new boy in your life is like getting a puppy. You have to train him and feed him and clean up after him. It can get pretty gross. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda