Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Dear Hater...

Since dear friends of mine know they can rely on my advice 24/7, I received another emergency text message.

I hate people in relationships. Why do you have to be an ass when you're dating?

Dear Hater,
Don't hate the player, hate the game. Actually...that's crap. Hate all of it. I hear ya. You're starting to realize what I have been preaching for years. People in relationships think that the damn world revolves around them, while all the singles are only here to serve dinner when they're out on dates or sell movie tickets in sets of two. Let me tell you something, couples! This is not Noah's freaking ark. Just because you found your matching animal (for now, anyway--yeah, I said it) doesn't mean that you are better than the solitary animals. It just means that you have someone to complain to who is basically obligated to listen, even if you tell boring work stories each and every day. That's it! It doesn't make you special. Remember that, Hater. And, if it doesn't ease your pain, try one of my methods. When you see a couple doing anything revolting, yell the word syphilis. It completely ruins the mood.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, November 03, 2006

Dear Witness...

I received this text message the other day. And no, you cannot have my number.

Bitter, I am sitting next to a whining ho and a boyfriend who is too good for her. Ack!

Dear Witness,
Oh no. Don't you hate those girls?? Girls, here's a word of advice for all of you. Never be that girl! If other people think your boyfriend is too good for you...that is some bad, bad news. Because he's male! How can a MAN be too good for someone? They laugh at farts until they are too old to remember what a fart is.
Ladies, keep that in mind.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda