Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Dear Hater...

Since dear friends of mine know they can rely on my advice 24/7, I received another emergency text message.

I hate people in relationships. Why do you have to be an ass when you're dating?

Dear Hater,
Don't hate the player, hate the game. Actually...that's crap. Hate all of it. I hear ya. You're starting to realize what I have been preaching for years. People in relationships think that the damn world revolves around them, while all the singles are only here to serve dinner when they're out on dates or sell movie tickets in sets of two. Let me tell you something, couples! This is not Noah's freaking ark. Just because you found your matching animal (for now, anyway--yeah, I said it) doesn't mean that you are better than the solitary animals. It just means that you have someone to complain to who is basically obligated to listen, even if you tell boring work stories each and every day. That's it! It doesn't make you special. Remember that, Hater. And, if it doesn't ease your pain, try one of my methods. When you see a couple doing anything revolting, yell the word syphilis. It completely ruins the mood.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


HappyCupplesSuck said...

Here, here, Oh Bitterest One.

And here's a little ditty to go:

I went pell mell down the highway,
Straight into your sweet heart.
My friends they all tried to tell me that you are just a cheap tart.
But to their words I did not listen,
Much now to my chagrin.
I fell for you-ooh my darlin', from tippye toe-oh to chinnye chin chin.
So tell me once again, Love, what of those words you spoke:
Aids,gonorrhea, and herpes - I hope this is some sillye joke.
But I see by the look in your sweet eyes, the trooth in the words you have said,
And from this I can only conjecture, that soo-oon we bothe will be ... dead!

I really need to make an mp3 recording of this'n. It is quite compelling.

Amanda said...

Dear Songsmith,
What a talent you are! Have you considered looking for work in the greeting card industry?
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

happycouplessuck said...

Thanks Bitter! U should be on What's my Line!

Eggjelly (that's Aussie for actually), the verse kinda-sorta goes with some of your udder (that's farm talk for other) postes on VD and such.

For inst, a concerned parent could use this verse along with the VD photos for max effect. One could tailor it for male or female as required. (I, for inst, can do this for a nominal service charge). In fact, it can be instantaneously genericized by replacing "are just a cheap tart" with "will break my sweet heart". How's that for Johnny-on-the-Spot verse creation!

Aslo, instead of yelling the word "syphilis" to a *Happy Couple*, you could have the verse printed on a small card, with accompanying graphics for good measure, and tip a waiter or other bribabal sap to slip the couple the lovely card, sit back and watch the Re-axion!

How X-citing this all is!

Amanda said...

Dear Johnny-on-the-Spot,
You're just full of ideas! I suppose if one was going for a more subtle technique, your suggestions would come in handy. (Although what is MORE subtle than yelling the word syphilis??) Or, you know, if the person was looking to let others make fun of them. Handing out VD poetry might do the trick.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Brie said...

Hey! you left a comment on my A Hangover You Don't Deserve Blog.

I just wanted to let you know that I have a new blog.

I just haven't announced it yet...

Cindy Lynn said...

Who is Brie and how does her comment fit in this topic?

But its OK, since she is Redhead too!

Too the point: Amanda, don't you think it is just a little insensitive to be casually, mockingly, talking about VD?

To some, it is a real problem that affects not only a person's self esteem but more importantly, a person's ability for "imanent relationships."

I think you've overstepped your bounds with yelling "syphilis" at people. You can cause alot of mental pain to people.

And that poem is just disgusting, happycouplessuck. Written from experience, no doubt.

So just watch what you say. VD is no laughing matter.


Amanda said...

Dear Cupcake,
Hey there, easy tiger. I'm trying to help people out. Think of me as a walking, talking public service announcement. I never said VD was a laughing matter. If you're going to display your private life in public by making out in front of me, I want you to know what dangers you face. It's not like I'm running around yelling "YOU DESERVE SYPHILIS." Come on, I have SOME tact, cupcake.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Amanda said...

Hey Brie! Thanks for letting me know about your blog!

Brie said...

hell yes to hating the game!

PS: Can I link you?

Amanda said...

I'm glad to have another lady around here who hates the game!

I love linking--go nuts. :)

Cindy Lynn said...

Me Three!

Hate the Game! Nevr liked it nevr will!

I need a MySpace page too looks like!