Sunday, December 03, 2006

Dear Sex Panther...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Have you ever been single for so long that your standards drop dangerously low? Like "He's old enough to be my father. I'd do him." Or "Who cares if he's married and has a bad combover? Maybe his wife is into threesomes." Or "he smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Hey, I like Indian food!". I know that my standards have gone way down... is there anyway to stop my expectations from plummeting to the "hey! at least he's got a pulse!" level?

~Desperately horny.

Dear Sex Panther,
I have been single for so long there's talk of starting some sort of charity out of it. I believe my statue will be in a public space soon. You might see this face on stamps. But never, I repeat NEVER, have my standards dropped.
You can't let your expectations drop dramatically...a (sort of) squeaky clean pop starlet we all know did that once, and look at her now. She married KEVIN FEDERLINE, the most unholy mess of a man I can think of, really. (Strike that, I am only calling him a boy.) Not to mention, jumping the first male to say hello to you is going to set off a chain reaction that will only lead to the demise of the modern gentleman, despite the fact that I think he is a myth. (For more on this topic,
check this out.) So if not for yourself, think of the other desperate, single women around the world! AND THINK OF KEVIN FEDERLINE. You don't want that!
I assume you're taking care of yourself, in the meantime? If you aren't, you should.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

1 comment:

Brie said...

your advice cracks me up!