Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dear Hypothetical...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Let's say there was a guy and a girl that broke up, and I got to know the girl after. Now, let's say we started seeing each other, but then the guy comes back and wants the girl back. Say she didn't want anything to do with him, turned him down flat, and is now persistently annoying in his attempt to "win her". Also, let's say things are good between me and the girl, but there's added stress on the developing relationship because of the guy's behavior, and also that the guy annoys me to no end with this crap. What the hell should I do? Do I have permission to beat him up?

Dear Hypothetical,
Guy sounds like a douchebag. If you break up with and then get rejected by the same girl (or person, really) you just need to move on. There's no sense in trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Why do that to yourself?
But back to your situation. If things are good between you two, you probably want to keep it that way? You could beat him up--what a typical male response. There are two possibilities. She could think you're her knight in shining armor and that chivalry isn't dead! You could restore her faith in men! Orrrrr...she could think you're a juvenile pig who can't handle things like an adult. You don't think she can deal with him on her own and she needs you to protect her??
See? It's tricky.
If his attempts to win her heart occur while you're together, you can certainly pull him aside and let him know that you're working your magic and he's ruining everything. Doesn't that fall under Guy Code? THEN (and only then), if he still won't leave her alone, you are allowed to consider the alternative. You might feel less like a man, but she'll appreciate not seeing the testosterone circus. And really, that's better for you in the long run. (ie Will improve your shot at getting laid.)
Best of luck, boss.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dear Gross...

Bitter Amanda,
I don't know what to do. I'm concerned about a friend. I hadn't had a chance to speak to her for a while, so decided to read her blog to see what was going on in her life.
She had an entry about photographing, scrutinizing, and making a flipbook of insect porn! She saw two flies going at it and documented the entire thing on film.
She's not an entomologist, and she's never showed an affiliation for bugs before. And clearly, no one sane (who doesn't study bugs for a living) would want to closely observe the mating habits of flies.
I think she needs some professional help. How should I approach her about this?
~Grossed Out

Dear Gross,
Oh, you're hilarious. I notice you sent this during office hours. Is this what you're getting paid to do? Does your boss know about it? Shouldn't you be doing something productive, instead of just being annoying and getting older? (Oh yes, I went there. You're old.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, September 22, 2008

Dear Manpet...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Would you pay for certainty whenever you wanted it?

Dear Manpet,
I'm only marginally employed, and this site does not count. So....probs not. Some certainties in life, however, are free: I'll share them now.
1. February 29th, presidential elections, and the summer Olympics always fall in the same year. This does not mean anything, but I like those things.
2. Taxes, if you live in this country. I'm not sure about other countries, so I'll stick with what I know.
3. Men are a serious, mind-boggling pain in the ass. No offense.
Also, something about death, but let's not turn this into a total downer.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, September 19, 2008

Dear Venus...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Why are boys so lame? I could probably break this question into about three or four hundred others, but honestly they all seem to stem from this one small truth.
Hoping you have some wisdom on the matter,
Definitively from Venus

Dear Venus,
You're damn right it's the truth. Dealing with a boy is like dealing with a toddler who has his own cell phone.
I can figure out their thinking, but it's not sane or logical. It's stupid.
Here's the problem: they don't think so. They are under the impression that everything they do is simple and rational. (What folly!) So they make a simple statement, and we think they can't possibly be that stupid. We search for deeper meanings, coming up either angry or empty-handed and then angry--of course. Why? There are no deeper meanings! (That we continue to look for them drives men crazy.) But we keep looking because we say to ourselves, "Well that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! He must have meant it some other way."
Pumpkin, I hate to break this to you, but I have to: if I had a definitive answer for your question, I'd have figured out a way to make millions. We're different, and men are wired for lame. That's about as close as I've come to an answer.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Dear Apollo...

Yeah, I've read your bitching about "dating" and men and it's time for me to set you straight on what your real prob is... You want me. You hate it, but it's true. You need a real man, and I'm it. It's so simple.

Quitchyer fussin and fightin... surrender to your hunger... me.

I'm attaching a pic of me... your first dose of awaits.

Dear Apollo,
Well, thank God you've emailed me at long last! I've been waiting ages! *sigh* And in such a romantic manner...you sure have a way with women. I can hardly believe that you're available to be soliciting women on the internet!

Seriously? Couple things, really quickly. Number one, I don't know you. I couldn't possibly be in denial about wanting you, because I don't know you. Two, I don't suspect (based on your charming email) that I would want you if I did know you. And finally, you did not attach a photo. Not that I was anxious to look at it, but I just thought you should know that this rejection (and it's a very firm, solid rejection; make no mistake) is not based on your appearance.

Please cease and desist all communication.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dear Target Practice...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I think my cupid's aim is off.

Say, for instance, I met a nice guy. Say he's intelligent, funny, good looking, etc. Say I can stand talking to him for more than a few minutes and actually look forward to our conversations. Say I have a mind to ask him out. Now. Why is it, at that particular moment when I've made up my mind to pursue a particular person, that some random friend/acquaintance/colleague (whom I've never had any interest in beyond being buddies and probably never will) starts making googly eyes at me/follows me around/asks me out? Bitter Amanda, why does this consistently happen? No sooner have I got my sights locked in than does some interloper blindside me with affectionate advances, startling me, screwing up my game, and making things difficult. The problem is usually exacerbated by the fact that the two people in question frequently know each other, causing all sorts of loyalties to be called into question. Why!? Why does this happen all the time? And what can I do to a) fend off the intruder (tactfully) while b) pursuing a relationship with my originally intended target?

Pheasant Hunting with Dick Cheney

Dear Target Practice,
First of all, if you've found a man that can be tolerated for more than a moment or two, this is a big deal. Don't give up just yet!
As for your dilemma, that's quite tricky. Let's start with other men noticing you after you've made your choice. I think that when a woman is interested in someone, she tends to walk a little taller. There's that lovely feeling of a new crush that hasn't let you down (yet) and you're seeing new shades of green in the trees and all that romantic nonsense. (Gag.) A confident woman is more attractive, so it only makes sense that when you're feeling pretty good, you're going to get noticed more. And while you're doing your girly strut thing (which we all do when we're interested in someone) while the friends of your desired are around...well, you see my point. They're going to be the ones who notice you. Vicious cycle.
One of the greatest and worst things about men is that they're blissfully oblivious. Knowing this, you should be able to tactfully ignore your extraneous suitors and play it off like you don't notice the drool and googly eyes. Act like nothing is different. Say things like, "It's too bad my friend _______ doesn't live here, because you're just her type." That's like saying ,"Hey, I'm not into you."
Then, just stay the course with your intended. I'm telling you, a boy who doesn't annoy you is a rare and mythical thing. You've spotted a unicorn! Keep tracking him until you can shoot him down to mount onto your living room wall.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Monday, September 08, 2008

Dear Useful...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Is it true that a kiss tells no lies?

Dear Useful,
Wouldn't that be nice? It would save a lot of trouble, if you could know where someone stood after kissing them. Then again, there are plenty of people who want a kiss to tell them a little lie. We kiss people for all different reasons, and they all seem to make perfect sense at the time. And while sometimes a kiss is the whole truth, sometimes...not so much. You can find in it whatever you're looking for. So if you really want it to, it can be the truth, even if just for a little while.
A kiss doesn't tell any more or less lies than the people involved.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dear A/S/L...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There's this chick, her name's Amanda. Sometimes I'll think things will be going great. Then she'll just...disappear on me.

Often she provides some sort of excuse that sounds legitimate, but I'm having my doubts. WHAT SHOULD I DO???


Dear A/S/L,
Well, I'm sure she's awesome. I mean, hello, power name. But you sound rather clingy and needy, so she probably could do better. (I'm just being honest.) You've got two options, sport. Either man up and trust her or man up and trust your gut. Unless, of course, you want a really wacky solution, like talking to this wise young woman. Craziness!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda