Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have a crush on this girl who most definitely does not reciprocate. She likes the penis. She also happens to be quite bitter and often makes statements like, "I'M ALONE!" when you try to take the last chocolate covered strawberry. Do you think there's any hope for me to turn that black heart into at least a navy blue?
Chocolate strawberry lover.
Wow. She sounds like a heinous bitch! (And also: awesome. She and I should hang out sometime.) Obviously this girl is stupid, since not only does she like boys, who are the enemy, but she can't see how hot you are! She's lame, obviously. My advice is to move on. Find someone new--hey, I just got a letter from someone you might like! She was recently arrested, but if you don't mind that kind of thing, she's perfect! Just don't tell me how it goes, because...gag.
PS: For your own good, it's probably better that you not touch her chocolate anymore. I fear you might lose a hand. *ba