Dear Bitter Amanda:
I have this thing for a guy I'll call "Billy Joe." Unfortunately, he's been married to the same woman since before I was born, and he has two kids with her. Also, I don't even think he knows my name! I've met him three times, (and by met I mean saw him live in concert from afar) but I still don't think he knows I exist. Bitter Amanda, how can I get this totally hot rock-star to leave his wife and kids to marry me on top of a mountaintop, where there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs, and we'll dance till the sun rises?
Signed,Desperate
PS. You'll totally be invited to the wedding.
Dear Desperate,
I was all for breaking up the marriage until I got to the part about kids. That means you're breaking up a family, and even I have a hard time with that. Plus, do you really want to be a stepmother? I've got a great plan for you! Look around for a cover band--it sounds like this guy might be at least semi-famous. I mean, I could be wrong about it...but...well, I'm not. So, find a band that sounds like them and looks like them, and work your magic!
Just for the record, I appreciate the invite, but I can only tolerate weddings if there is an open bar, I don't have to catch the bouquet or do the chicken dance, and you don't mind me making gagging noises if things get too cutesy.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
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