Dear Concerned...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I want to prevent my teenage daughters from engaging in premarital fornication, but I'm afraid that if I forbid them from dating, they might become bitter! What should I do?
-Concerned Mom


Dear Concerned,
First of all, you're right to be worried. Before you take any action, I want you to weigh your options--would you rather they come down with a case of bitterness or a case of something that can only be treated by a doctor?
Now then. Down to business. What you need is a cautionary tale. Fairy tales used to be pretty gory--ask the Grimm Brothers. Why? Because they scared children. What your little princesses need is to be scared into virginity. Google some STDs...the pictures you'll get aren't pretty. Go ahead and turn them into your screensaver. Print them and stick them inside lunch bags. Leave them under pillows, tape them to mirrors--however you see fit. (As a bonus, other kids will probably think they're weird and will think twice about asking them out.)
It's a scary world out there, and you need to protect your kids. (If they say they hate you, go ahead and blame me. Because really, I don't care if they hate me.) Best of luck, Mom.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda