Dear Athena...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Three years after my douchebag of an ex walked out on our relationship via text message because I wouldn't put out for him, we ran into each other at the mall. Obviously, he was devastated/greatly surprised that I hadn't withered away in mourning for him, or else he really believes he still has a chance with me, because I went home to a weird apology email from him, 3 years too late. Not only was this apology tasteless in content, but it also contained humorous references to how his family suddenly realized I would make the perfect bride for him.

"But don't worry," he continues, "I deflected them as best as I could. Hehe." Yes, that is a direct quote, including the very manly chuckle.

*GAG!* does not even begin to cover it. Bitter Amanda, how do I put this guy down in the way that he deserves?

Yours,
Athena


Dear Athena,
I'm mad impressed right now. There is absolutely no way a man who leaves a relationship like he did (ie THE WORST WAY/REASON EVER) deserves to be with you, and you know it. We don't always realize that last part--men and women alike. I'm sure he was devastated and surprised that you're still flourishing without his attention. What he wasn't saying was that some combination of seeing you looking so awesome, his life not going the way he thought it would, and his family talking about your perfection has led him to the conclusion that he totally fucked up when he walked away from you. Score! (For you. This guy's life sucks. Unfortunately his ego didn't get the memo quite yet.) 
Your name suits--you are a freaking goddess, and this guy doesn't quite make the cut. You should run into him again sometime. With your car.
YOU GUYS CHILL OUT I WOULD NEVER CONDONE THAT. 

(You bought that, right? That sounded believable?) 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda