Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dear Bobcat...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Would you like to go get coffee sometime?


Dear Bobcat,
I've been mulling over your question for a few days. But here you have it:

Why yes, I would love to! I love getting coffee. I'll be heading to Dunkin' just as soon as I finish this letter! Thanks for the suggestion.

Oh wait, were you implying that you would also be getting coffee? (I'm not stupid, readers, I'm making a point. Wait for it and try to keep up.) I checked you out, boss, and unless you lie to the internet, we do not live in the same place. Hardly close enough to drink coffee in the same building. But you were sincere in your effort (you even stated that!) so I'm going to thank you for illustrating something I recently talked about.
In my last response, I pointed out that men often rely on an "easy-out" date invite. This is a perfect example of that. (Thanks Bob.) Imagine that this happened in person. There is no timeframe involved, so I'm not obligated to actually make plans with the asker! I could say yes, but then if I walk away and didn't really want to have coffee, I don't have to return his phone calls/IMs/facebook messages/you get my point. And then, well, it sucks to be Bob. Better luck next time.
He does earn some points for suggesting a specific activity, though. It is infinitely better than an offer to "hang out." Guys, seriously, this tells us nothing. You're trapping us--the only way we'll say yes to that is if we really like you and don't care when you wanted to hang out or what you wanted to do. In that situation, you are a lucky man. But if we're kind of "eh" about you...well, we need more information. What if you meant hang out like "go see the new Batman movie" and I can't stand comic book movies? See my point? We don't want to get roped into some lame activity. (For the record: Batman was just an example. I love Christian Bale.) Moral of the story: when dealing with asking someone out, man up. Don't be passive about it, boys.

And Bobcat, I realize that you may not have written this to help me compose a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of lazy dating and the modern man. If that's the case, and you were trying to be nice, then I'm sorry. I'm not really into, you know, people. It's not you, it's your Y chromosome. No hard feelings.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Dear Other...

Bitter Amanda,
Why is it that the last three people who've hit on me have:
-had a girlfriend,

-been married, and
-been engaged
What could I possible be doing thats attracting people already in relationships? Or do boys just hit on anything that may, on occasion, wear a skirt?

-Don't Want to be the "Other Woman"

Dear Other,
It's a widely discussed sentiment that men are cowardly and useless. Regarding asking women out, that is. (Ok, it's not just that area, but let's focus on one issue at a time.) They rely on a wingman and then throw out vague, easy-to-recover-from invites to "hang out." They have to be spoon-fed the idea that you're interested and in the end, we all but ask ourselves out! Delightful. Well done, guys.
So how come these guys are so open about their interest in you? It doesn't matter for them! If you say no, well, they just go home to their unsuspecting lady who can inevitably do better. Nothing lost! And if you say yes...SCORE. For them. (Not so much for you, since you're now a homewrecker, and definitely not for the girlfriend or wife. Because they've been fooled by this horrible manchild.)
So you're not doing anything wrong! It is, predictably, the fault of the Y chromosome here.
Such is life.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Dear Sir...

I can't git marryed to my swethart cuz theres law ginst marryin yur sister. But I's don't see nothin wrung wit incest longs it stays in the family. Hows can we change the law so me and sis can tie the not? Iwnat to set a good example for our youngin's.

Dear Sir,
Yeahhhh.....I'm not sure you should be focused on changing laws. You would make a terrible politician and/or lawmaker. Those people possess many qualities that I'm not sure you've heard of, let alone share.
Clean up, get out of the trailer, and introduce yourself to the big world outside of your gene pool.
That's the only advice I'll be giving you, so I'd take it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda