Dear Bitter Amanda,
Two years ago I dated a girl that I met through a friend. It didn't work out and we stopped seeing each other after a few weeks. She however has infrequently texted me over once every few months in the last 6 months asking me to various events. The latest of which is a hockey game, watching hockey being an activity which I actually enjoy. Not wanting to turn it into a date, but also wanting to catch a game before the end of the season, our text conversation went like this.
her: you wouldn't happen to be a hockey fan would you? I've been wanting to catch an ice game. i don't know why. thought i'd ask
me: i go a few times a year. it's cheap and enjoyable
her: feel like going anytime soon?
me: i could fathom getting a group together
her: 26th would be good
me: let's invite the masses then
her: okay. i will attempt but might get a person
me: you know we have this facebook thing at our disposal. one of us should create an event and invite folk. i'll spearhead
It was late, but I didn't get a response. I wanted to get it across that I wasn't interested in having it be a date, but I'm worried that I left it too open. Let's be clear: I'm not interested - we already tried dating and it didn't work.
Sincerely,
Sketch
Dear Sketchy,
Yeahhhh...she wants to date you. Whatever you've done in the past to convey that you don't want to date her has not worked. Because she still wants to date you. She may have attempted casual there, but that's because she's not typing everything she's thinking. If she had, it might look a little like this: (additions in bold)
her: you wouldn't happen to be a hockey fan would you? I've stalked you on facebook and I know you are. I've been wanting to catch an ice game in hopes of showing you that we share many interests. i don't know why. thought i'd ask because I would like to spend some time with you and I'm confident you'll say yes to this activity.
me: i go a few times a year. it's cheap and enjoyable
her: feel like going anytime soon? Also our children would be really cute. I'm just saying.
me: i could fathom getting a group together
her: 26th would be good It would make a great anniversary for us. Nobody I know has a birthday or anniversary that day and it's not a holiday or anything.
me: let's invite the masses then
her: okay. Not really okay. i will attempt but might get a person I will probably ask two or three of my girlfriends who already have plans, hate hockey, and know that I want to be alone with you. I will not leave messages if they don't answer. I will call them on the 25th. Something tells me they will say no. Looks like it's just you and me!
me: you know we have this facebook thing at our disposal. one of us should create an event and invite folk. i'll spearhead
Do you see how that's not casual? It is very much to your benefit to make this a group outing. You'd like to be assured that she'll get the point and you'll be out of the woods, right?
I can't do that. (Let it be known that what I'm about to say is not something I feel good about. Like telling a child that coloring on the walls is totally fine just this once and expecting it to go well.) You have to be mean. Not a complete douchebag, mind you. But a little mean. Anything date-like will stand out as encouragement in her mind. It will be what she tells those girlfriends she "invited" to the game. It will be the story she imagines being told in her maid of honor's wedding toast. You have to be super-extra-without-a-doubt clear. And being mean? Is a great way to lose a woman's interest!
...Actually you may want to find a date for the game--either a real one or get someone to pretend. Do you have time to make up a fiancée or something? That'd really help.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
