Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Dear Mysterious...

Dear BA,

You know, I realized something lately - a lot of the girls that browse and post on your blog might be the kind of girl I would like to meet. Would it be wrong to shamelessly promote myself on your blog as a single guy with mostly good qualities? If not:


Brown hair/Brown eyes
Mostly white
Super smart, somewhat sensitive, low maintenance
Great kisser, athlete in bed
Downside - Can be shallow & plays video games

Ok, I laughed out loud while typing this, but I'm sending it to you anyway.

-Mr. E

Dear Mysterious,
I'm torn. My immediate reaction was to say yes, you are shameless. Then tear apart your dating resume. (What do you mean by "5'11ish"? Is that like "the last time I was measured by a medical professional it was 5'11" but you never know since that was a while ago"? Or more like, "Well strictly speaking I'm 5'6" but I carry myself with the confidence of a man taller than that"? And when you say you're an athlete in bed, I worry that this is rather vague. Are you getting at a whole team player, physical stamina thing? Or fiercely competitive? What sport are you talking about? Because some sports are kind of a one-man deal. Like luge. Those guys don't worry about anyone but numero uno. Is that the kind of sexual partner you are? I'm just trying to clear things up.) I mean, what kind of site do you think I'm running here? This isn't some dating pool, pal. I'm not particularly interested in hooking you up with one of my readers so you can be a Hallmark movie. (Or worse, a Lifetime movie.) Gross.
A tiny part of me considered allowing this and throwing you to the wolves. I figure there are plenty of women who are ready to be disappointed by a man when the relationship doesn't match Disney fairytale-levels of romance. You seem eager to fill the role, and at the very least you provided some honest (albeit questionable) commentary on yourself.
But then...I remember that I am not interested in setting a precedent around here. I'm not your meddling aunt flipping through my ancient Rolodex to find you a life partner. I sleep pretty well at night, and I'm afraid that would change if I encouraged this. Just like in relationships, I trust my gut when it comes to advice. Points for putting yourself out there, E, but this is a no-go on my end.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. E,
I'm interested. Please provide billing address, credit card numbers (with CVV codes), date of birth, social security number, e-mail, home and work phone numbers and someone will be in touch.

Thanks a bunch!


Amanda said...


This is what I was talking about. THIS IS HOW PEOPLE END UP ON THE NEWS.