Monday, June 17, 2013

Dear Best Policy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Is there a polite way of saying, "I think you are full of shit and I am not interested in what you have to say"? I've been trying to think of one but am having trouble with the exact phrasing.
Awkwardly Honest

Dear Best Policy,

I'm about to do something unprecedented and tell you I suck at this

I have no poker face at all. Generally speaking, if I think someone is full of shit and am not interested in what they have to say, my face says it all. My features arrange themselves into an expression of "I'm bored and no shits are being given," while at the same time I'm mentally high fiving myself on really nailing a neutral facial expression. This continues, I've noticed, until a friend yanks me away from a conversation unceremoniously under the pretense of needing my help with some vague task. Even then I usually don't pick up on what kind of trainwreck they are trying to stop until they mimic the face I've just been making. 

I have NO IDEA why this the one social area where I'm a complete failure.**

However, in the interest of actually helping you out, let's consider the various situations in which you might be inclined to say, "I think you are full of shit and I'm not interested in what you have to say." Sometimes you don't need to be polite. If this is some bro at the bar, then be blunt and get out. "I'm bored and I have to go now." You don't owe that guy an explanation. If it's a friend or someone you genuinely like, pick a fight about what they're saying. That's always fun, especially if other people are around to uncomfortably decide whether this is a big deal or not. 

Regrettably, if this is a coworker you'll be forced to mingle with every day over mediocre coffee in the break room, or some family member you're supposed to play nice need to just get out and let everybody save face. Fake a super important text message or something--anything that excuses you from the situation. Tell them you're about to pee your pants. Whatever you need to do. Life is too short to listen to bullshit. (Everyone just closed their internet browser.) 

Oh, and if it's your boss--work REALLY HARD at keeping your face neutral. And if at any point you feel like you're doing such a good job at looking neutral that you want to award yourself a mental high five, you're doing it wrong. Try harder. 

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**Besides my dating life. 

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