Dear Athena...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Three years after my douchebag of an ex walked out on our relationship via text message because I wouldn't put out for him, we ran into each other at the mall. Obviously, he was devastated/greatly surprised that I hadn't withered away in mourning for him, or else he really believes he still has a chance with me, because I went home to a weird apology email from him, 3 years too late. Not only was this apology tasteless in content, but it also contained humorous references to how his family suddenly realized I would make the perfect bride for him.

"But don't worry," he continues, "I deflected them as best as I could. Hehe." Yes, that is a direct quote, including the very manly chuckle.

*GAG!* does not even begin to cover it. Bitter Amanda, how do I put this guy down in the way that he deserves?

Yours,
Athena


Dear Athena,
I'm mad impressed right now. There is absolutely no way a man who leaves a relationship like he did (ie THE WORST WAY/REASON EVER) deserves to be with you, and you know it. We don't always realize that last part--men and women alike. I'm sure he was devastated and surprised that you're still flourishing without his attention. What he wasn't saying was that some combination of seeing you looking so awesome, his life not going the way he thought it would, and his family talking about your perfection has led him to the conclusion that he totally fucked up when he walked away from you. Score! (For you. This guy's life sucks. Unfortunately his ego didn't get the memo quite yet.) 
Your name suits--you are a freaking goddess, and this guy doesn't quite make the cut. You should run into him again sometime. With your car.
YOU GUYS CHILL OUT I WOULD NEVER CONDONE THAT. 

(You bought that, right? That sounded believable?) 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Rufus Xavier Sasparilla...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

If a couple has been dating for a while/engaged/married, do you think it's appropriate for one or either of the parties involved to make "we" type statements? I'm not talking about factual statements like "We went to Montreal last year on vacation". I mean statements starting with things like, "We prefer..." or "we think..." or "we feel...". Opinion-y type things. "We really don't like going to that restaurant because we think that the waiters are rude and the filet mignon is dry."  "We like springtime in New England, but we really prefer to go south for the winter." When you are a part of a two, does that mean your partner gets to squish their opinion alongside yours and answer for you? That kind of bugs me. Is it too nitpicky to prefer something like "I think, and I'm fairly sure Buffy agrees..." to "We think"? Because the two people aren't collectively thinking-- each person has come to their own opinion, right? What's your take on this, Bitter Amanda? Identity usurpation or mere grammatical nuisance?

We, we, we, all the way home

Dear Rufus Xavier Sasparilla,

You're hitting on something here that has been the subject of many a rant around my home. Pronouns ARE tricky! Ask any first grader. 

This is a complicated subject. What is the boundary for the "we" mentality? For me, part of the issue is the situation. If I'm having coffee with a friend, and I ask what she did last night, I'm weirded out by "We went out for burritos." I think back--was I there? Did I have too many margaritas and forget that we went out together, yet miraculously wake up feeling fine? Or is she referring to someone else? I look around, wondering if a third person joined us and I didn't notice. Oh no...is it an imaginary friend? Has my friend finally lost it?* "We went out for burritos," is acceptable if I have coffee with my friend and her boyfriend. Otherwise, I worry a lot less when she says, "I went for burritos with Boyfriend." You see what I'm saying, Rufus? 

I'm leery of group opinions, on some level. "Oh, we love IHOP. Best pancakes in the tri-county area." Suddenly, I am convinced IHOP is A Couple Place. I can't go to IHOP anymore?? When did they decide it was A Date Restaurant? Where can I get pancakes now? Will they still let me get a table for one? Or will they bring me my pancakes with side orders of Sympathy and Judgmental Glances? I DIDN'T ORDER THOSE. 

Wait, what was your question? Oh, right. You're not being nitpicky. I worry that excessive "we" statements show getting lost into a relationship, absorbed into being part of a pair, rather than being your own person. So...I think it's both of your suggestions: identity usurpation AND grammatical nuisance. 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

*Let's be honest, if anyone is going to have a psychotic episode where they go to dinner with an imaginary friend...it's going to be me.