Friday, October 06, 2006

Dear Tri-Lam...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Just like all you "hip" girls want to have fun, I'm here to say that all the nerdy guys in Advanced Calculus and the Chess Club just want to have fun 2!
But all we get is abuse. Snubbed like a bottom caste Cashew picker in the Punjab. Ridiculed because of our heavily taped, Coke-bottle glasses, which are truly symbolic of our nerdly, innate ability to peer deeply into the mysteries of the universe. But why don't hot girls find us interesting? What's more interesting than the mysteries of the Universe?
There is plenty of humor in the Advanced Sciences, but no hot girls smart enough to get it. Like, Albert Einstein walks into a bar, bellies up, and what does he say to the bartender? I have NEVER had a cool girl laugh when I tell her the punchline: "Ein stein, bitte!" Meaning, one glass of beer, please – in German. How is that NOT humorous?
Or like, "How do you make a relativistic physicist blush?" Punchline: "Why, run away from him very quickly, of course!" Duh! Doppler Red shift! Get it? I didn't think so. No one does.
But I did manage to have kind of a date with some sort of pagan girl - a porcelain skinned princess with long black hair, and lipstick to match. Quite striking really. We started to hit it off at a local cafe, talking about the stars and planets and, well, the mysteries of the Universe. I was enthralled! At long last, I thought, a female on my own wavelength, resonating with me at a deep, inner place. Then she began speaking of Uranus being in conjunction with the moon and I thought now I'd hit the jackpot! Attractive and intelligent - a pre-med major! Then I realized that she was talking of astrology, while I thought anatomy! Well that ended it for me. Probably just another tufty-pitted pagan anyway, no doubt.
My friend Chad and I thought to crash a Young Republicans meeting, disguised as economists. We figured that we could put our superior mathematical skills to good use, since economics is rather suburban in comparison to our Point Set Topology majors. We began mingling and were given some rather durl and dauer looks when we tried to pass as economists. Evidently, due to our lack of worldliness in the socio-politcal culture of U of M, we failed to realize that here, economist is equivalent to communist! Thus, our white shirts and neckties were a dead giveaway of our disguise. We were advised by a high heeled, and opinionated, business major that, as economists at this venerable University, we should be in fatigues handing out SPARK magazines on the Diag. The communist girls are just as bad as the pagans with the pits and stuff, so there is another whole class of female that is off my list. What's up with this tufty business around here anyway? Get a dang weed-whacker and get it over with already, gosh almighty!
So again, humiliated by the fair sex in yet another failed attempt to fit in with NORMAL, cool girls who do shave their armpits. Recently, my friend Chad and I calculated that the mapping between the imaginary integers and the number of imaginary girlfriends a nerd will have in a four year college career is homeomorphic, both one-to-one and onto, in laymans terms. Meaning simply that we are SOL where the babes are concerned. But that is just more BORING point set topology. I bet you didn't even notice the correlation of this with my email address, did you? I am a complex person with both real and imaginary parts that all need to meet up with a like-mined female and be whisked off to infinity on the asymptote of Love!
So alas, Bitter-A, I write to you as a most embittered nerd: what's a nerd to do to get a cool girl to date him – or at least not ridicule and humiliate him?
In real and imaginary bitterness,

Dear Tri-Lam,
If you don't know what I'm talking about, a) shame on you! And b) google that immediately.
I can see that you've had some bad experiences with women. On behalf of all of us, I'd like to apologize, even though you were a bit of a condescending asshole in your letter. (Don't assume a lady knows nothing of science jokes!)
You told me that your interests were boring--you can't really believe that, can you? Otherwise, you'd find new ones. Stop thinking that you're a loser! People react to the image you project--if you walk around like you're a happening dude, ladies will see that. If you walk around like a hot girl would never lower herself to talk to you, guess what? They won't. Be confident!
Also, you don't have to have the same interests to get along with someone--so what if she's more into astrology than calculus? Maybe she likes that you're a math guy. Maybe she has some cool things to say. Don't write someone off just because you don't share the same major.
There are lots of awesome ladies out there looking for a nice guy--so stop spending your Friday nights mapping out girlfriend equations with Chad and go meet some actual girls!
Best of luck, Einstein.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


Anonymous said...

Dear Charles,

I couldn’t believe it when I read your note to Bitter Amanda! I was going to be a Math major too, but my boyfriend at the time (now ex thank gosh!) was in pre-med and since we planned on getting married after I graduated, he thought it best that I go into a field where I could get a job after a four-year degree, and basically support his, high and mighty pre-med arse through medical school. Being the nerdy sap that I WAS, I caved in and changed my major to electrical engineering. Still a lot of math, but not like the REAL mathematics you study. Having recently graduated, it is too late to turn back time … unless you know of any fancy four-dimensional time travel tricks???

I too have felt your nerdly pain, but from the other side of the moebius strip (I hope that made you Chuck-le, Charles!), being one of only a few females in engineering.. But I was set with my own Dr. Demented (he’s not a real doctor, but he does play one in his puny little mind) … or so I thought. After four years of pre-med, he dumped me for some red haired monster of a psych major. She could use therapy more than anybody.
Anyway, enough of my ex. We’re through.

Now I’m working for an auto supplier, doodling limacons and Klien bottles during those ghastly long meetings wishing I had been that Math prof. I always wanted to be.

Speaking of Klien bottles, have you ever visited This is for real!
In my most romantic math fantasy, when I finally do get married, we will have a Question Mark Klien bottle (inspired by the ceremonial Navajo marriage vase: ) specially made and engraved with our names in a cardiod curve (looks like a heart, of course!) on one side symbolizing our Love, and a limacon on the other, symbolizing the interrelationship of our souls. Call me a fool if you like … but please just call me!!!

So, could you PLEASE either write back or better if Bitter Amanda could give me your email … if it is not asking too much …

Then, maybe we could go off one night wrapped in a hyperbaloid of two sheets, pretend we are particularly badly behaved functions, and convolve each other! (Convolution is my favorite function, what’s yours? R U a Magna Cum Laude in Runge-Kutta, perchance???) Then, we’ll play chess by only the light of the full moon (tonite would have been perfect!), sipping espresso out of my demitasse Klein bottle cups, until my Queen corners you and jumps your Bishop. Then it’ll be checkmate, Charlie!

Remember: beauty is more than topologically deep!

Mathematically yours,
It is GR82B O-live!

Amanda said...

Dear Lovestruck,
Hey now, take it easy! This isn't a dating site, and I am nobody's pimp. I can't just hand out the personal information of my readers!
I'm not without a soul, though. Who am I to say that two nerds sharing a love of mathematics AND Bitter Amanda can't make it in this crazy world?


However, kitten, you left an anonymous comment, which means neither Mr. Math nor I can get in contact with you! Think about it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Anonymous said...

Wow! My head must of been up in the clouds again! I really never should have been an enginerd!

So Charles, I hope you read this. Please email me at

(Pronounced Great to Be O-live ha-ha)

Sorry for being such a ditz, Bitter Amanda, I guess I got all swept up in everything.

By the way, I just adore the way you call me "cupcake"!!!

My gramma Ethyl, rest her soul, used to call me that when I was a little girl. Kind of brings a tear to my eye to think back like that.

Seems to me like you may not be so bitter after all ... hmmm? Maybe Bittersweet Amanda is in your future?

Thanks again!

U Rule!

Anonymous said...

Duh again!


I thought you called me cupcake, but you called someone that in another blog.

Good memory of Gramms, though!

I can't say I care for "kitten."

Thanks again, GR82B O-Live!!!

Amanda said...

Dear Kitten, don't like your nickname?
Too bad. I lead you to the potential love of your life (gag.) and you complain? Talk about ungrateful. Just move on. Maybe loverboy up there will call you Cupcake. (But if you ever try to tell me, you will be held personally responsible for any throwing up I do. Just FYI.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Anonymous said...

Gosh Bitter Amanda! You are THE Queen of Bitterness! Couldn't you lighten up on poor Olive a bit?

So Olive, something told me to check more of Bitter's Blogs and found my letter still on top. Then, I noticed your comments. Sorry it took me so long to respond, but I've been busy with my schoolwork. I've got Ad Calc II this year and it is quite challenging - my head is spinning from imagining those ubiquitous, infinitesimal, epsilon balls!

But anyway, you sound quite intriguing and we seem to share an interest in many of the same things. Runge-Kutta, perhaps, but we may need to switch to a variable step size method - aka a "stiff system solver" (wink, wink, nod, nod, say n'more!!!) for our endevours.

I hate to be premature with things, but I must share a romantic little ditty with you:
"Tippity-tappity tip. You and me on a Mobius strip. The strip revolved, we each dissolved, into ONE lifelong partnership"

It is rumored around campus that many years ago, an Ad Calc II student at the UM Dbrn campus (I believe he was a student of Mikey LaChance) blew a gasket during his final, took the determinant of a non-square matrix (how ghastly!) and was later found clucthing this poem scribbled on a coffee stained napkin fragment and incoherently babbling something about CGJJ and the ghost of Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi. No one knows what happened to the poor soul, but this poem has been floating around the Math Depts. of the various UM campii ever since.

Anyway, I'd like to get to know you, but, since you did say that beauty is more than topologically deep, maybe we should share jpegs first?

What do yo say?

My email is:

You send me yours and I'll send you mine. I've got an 8-Mega Pixel Digital that'll show every topological anomaly! I'll email you too! What a cheery, inventive email you have!

By the way, I promise, Olive, that if we do get together, I will call you cupcake!

So there Oh Most Bitter Queenie!

But thanks a million for the hookup.
(If it works out, that is.) I know a web designer that could make you alot of $$$ with a great dating site, but I know how much you don't want to be a "pimp", so that's probably OOTQ.

Yours in extreme anti-bitterness
Charles "Chazman" Chessman, Joonya

Anonymous said...


By the way,

I've got a great Chess poem that I wrote!

See ya!

Anonymous said...

Wow! All of you sound really fruity! I have never heard those poems on any of my campi!

I wish the 2 of you would meet already so we can move on to some other topic! I am just waiting here for the right moment to express my own poems and ideas now that you have stimulated me in that direction!

Charles and Olive need to join as one! Enough of their one on one bantering and stealing the show! Bitter, I do think you ought to follow up with Charles to get a great web'd have even more interest and expression from those of us who are not patient with technology! Let some geek hook you up!

Amanda said...

Dear Love Connection,
First of all, let's review the rules about relationship details, mmmmkay?
They make Bitter Amanda throw up. So we keep them to ourselves.
Also, to Third Wheel up there, the newest addition to my site is trying to start a discussion. It's bound to be more interesting than Geek Love.
And I still veto the dating site.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Anonymous said...

Dear Bitter, Chaz, and Olive,

I feel liike I know all of you just from reading your stimulating expressions in this blog! I never thought I would get much out of a blog...kinda like one of those online dating services or chat rooms for a stupid online class!

I have belonged to an on;ine service for dating and , like you, Amanda and Charles, I can really relate to 'bitterness'! They keep sending me these scary old men, old enough to be my father and looking like he probably looks, too! (he has bee gone for over 15 years.) So, yes, I guess I am a bit older than all of you young boggers, but the bitterness remains the s...or maybe I should say, 'the bitter remains are the same? Get it? Well, what is an old gal like me to do with an older geezer of a guy? This dating thing is not all that it's cracked up to be. Personally, the blogging is more rewarding. I guess it's safer, too! Once I met a guy and nearly married him to find out that he had also made the same wedding plans with another gal. So, the two of us met and became twice as bitter! This dude was a real fruitcake! He was a geologist and always got called off to excavate mastadons and triceratops and such. I met in in a remote canyon in New Mexico.

Geologist,mathematician,mortician, pre-med...they are all the same!

So, now I just get my kicks reading blogs and don't have to worry about meeting nerds or not!

I have been following for awhile like a fly on the wall and I too, think Olive and Chuckie should chuckle together already. Let's move on to REAL conversations! Is anyone interested in gourmet cooking or wine tasting?

Anonymous said...

Amanda, By the way...why is everyone a 'cupcake'? What do you mean by that expression? Is something going over my head?

Amanda said...

Dear Julia Child,
Well, I'm sure something is going over your head, but it's through no fault of my own. I call it like I see it, and sometimes a person just strikes me as a cupcake. Or kitten. Or whatever else I feel like writing. Deal with it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda