Dear Bitter Amanda,
Well, unless you live under a rock or something, you know what Saturday is.
Yes. It is "Bitter-Sweetest Day."
Since I wrote you earlier, my boyfriend broke up with me, so I am now destined to spend "Bitter-Sweetest Day" alone again, naturally. To make matters worse, with my birthday coming up on November 1st, I just got my personalized license plate with "LUVJEFF" on it. I know, I know, stupid move, right? So, now I'm stuck with that for a while. I don't know what I was thinking! I guess I figured we'd be together and get married like we planned to do. I feel so stupid, I don't know what to do?
I came up with this idea though, and want to see what you think, OK?
I made reservations for two on Saturday night at the Ritz, but only I will show up all decked out in my new really short red dress and all. Some people think that a redhead like me can't get away with wearing red, but I'm here to prove them wrong, sister! I already ordered "Bitter-sweetest Day" flowers for myself, to be delivered Saturday morning, since I ALWAYS get flowers on the real you-know-what day. At the Ritz, I'll pretend to be waiting for my boyfriend to show up, occasionaly flashing furtive glances at my watch, and acting all huffy and upset and stuff. But of course no one ever will show up. So, I'll be left there, all alone, all dressed up, nearly in tears. With any luck, I can get a good looking waiter or maitre d' to notice my predicament and maybe get enough sympathy points to get a free meal or dessert, or maybe ... even a date! What do you think?
How are you celebrating "Bittersweetest Day", Amanda. (I won't even try to call you "you-know-what" - I bet you're glad, huh?)
Anyhoo, give me your thoughts, or maybe we could meet up and be bitter together?
Happy Bittersweetest Day,
Cindy Lynn
Dear Cupcake,
Ah yes. Sweetest Day. The most truly loathsome holiday there is. Yes, even worse than Valentine's Day. At least Valentine's Day has some historic roots. Sweetest Day was fabricated entirely by the candy industry, and serves no real purpose. It's just stupid. Apparently, giving couples one day to flaunt their happiness in the faces of others just wasn't enough! (It is at this point that I suspect anyone in a relationship is telling me a couple things. One, that Valentine's Day isn't just for couples! It's for love! Yeah, shut up. That's a lie and we alllllll know it. Two, that just last month, it was National Singles Week! You got a whole week! So what's wrong with two little days? I didn't ASK for a week, you know. I didn't want it. I suspect that week was created to placate the singles; something to bring up around Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day. I see through that, you know.)
Wow, Cupcake, bad luck with the license plate. To fix that...you might have to, I don't know, develop a celebrity obsession. Off the top of my head, you could get into Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Foxworthy, or Jeffrey from Project Runway. (Yeah, pickings are slim, but we have to work with what you've got.) I figure any way you can get the attention off your stupid ex is a good way to go.
Against my better judgement, I'm going to go ahead and give you the green light on your dinner date. Try to ruin as many other dates with your loud crying as possible! I think you might be onto something with your free dessert plan.
Since you asked, I will be ignoring Sweetest Day to the best of my considerable abilities.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
2 comments:
What a DISASTER last night was! Oh my GOD! I showed up at the Ritz at 8 o'clock, presumably waiting for my sweetie to show up, but they convieniently had "lost" my reservation. "Lost" my butt! I know they saw me walking in there in my little red dress and my hair all done up nice, and they just didn't want to taint their hoity-toity Dearborn restaraunt with "Taylor trailor trash."
I've been victimized before. I know that look they gave me when I walked in there.
So there I was, all dressed up and nowhere to go. I ended up stopping at a Taco Bell and dripping green sauce on my dress to go with the tears.
I was determined to do something with the evening, so I got on the computer and went to eHarmony to put myself out there and find my mate.
Well after 45 minutes of interrogation by those e-Nazis, I pressed "submit" and awaited my matches.
Guess what I got?
A BIG FAT: Unable to Match You at This Time
eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.
So basically, I'm just a freak!
What the frick is wrong with me????
Step aside Bitter Amanda, I'm taking over!
So here it is Sunday afternoon after The Bitterest Sweetest Day EVER and I'm sitting in this stinking trailer with my mother, sucking down Bud Lites and smoking myself into OBLIVION!
Thanks World! I Love You Too!
Bitter Cindy Lynn
Dear Cupcake,
Wow. I guess I was really wrong about that dinner plan. Ooops.
Hey, tone down the neediness and you might find a date. It's even happened here before. I mean, I found it bothersome and sappy, but whatever works for you, I guess.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
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