Dear Bitter Amanda,
Well, unless you live under a rock or something, you know what Saturday is.
Yes. It is "Bitter-Sweetest Day."
Since I wrote you earlier, my boyfriend broke up with me, so I am now destined to spend "Bitter-Sweetest Day" alone again, naturally. To make matters worse, with my birthday coming up on November 1st, I just got my personalized license plate with "LUVJEFF" on it. I know, I know, stupid move, right? So, now I'm stuck with that for a while. I don't know what I was thinking! I guess I figured we'd be together and get married like we planned to do. I feel so stupid, I don't know what to do?
I came up with this idea though, and want to see what you think, OK?
I made reservations for two on Saturday night at the Ritz, but only I will show up all decked out in my new really short red dress and all. Some people think that a redhead like me can't get away with wearing red, but I'm here to prove them wrong, sister! I already ordered "Bitter-sweetest Day" flowers for myself, to be delivered Saturday morning, since I ALWAYS get flowers on the real you-know-what day. At the Ritz, I'll pretend to be waiting for my boyfriend to show up, occasionaly flashing furtive glances at my watch, and acting all huffy and upset and stuff. But of course no one ever will show up. So, I'll be left there, all alone, all dressed up, nearly in tears. With any luck, I can get a good looking waiter or maitre d' to notice my predicament and maybe get enough sympathy points to get a free meal or dessert, or maybe ... even a date! What do you think?
How are you celebrating "Bittersweetest Day", Amanda. (I won't even try to call you "you-know-what" - I bet you're glad, huh?)
Anyhoo, give me your thoughts, or maybe we could meet up and be bitter together?
Happy Bittersweetest Day,
Ah yes. Sweetest Day. The most truly loathsome holiday there is. Yes, even worse than Valentine's Day. At least Valentine's Day has some historic roots. Sweetest Day was fabricated entirely by the candy industry, and serves no real purpose. It's just stupid. Apparently, giving couples one day to flaunt their happiness in the faces of others just wasn't enough! (It is at this point that I suspect anyone in a relationship is telling me a couple things. One, that Valentine's Day isn't just for couples! It's for love! Yeah, shut up. That's a lie and we alllllll know it. Two, that just last month, it was National Singles Week! You got a whole week! So what's wrong with two little days? I didn't ASK for a week, you know. I didn't want it. I suspect that week was created to placate the singles; something to bring up around Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day. I see through that, you know.)
Wow, Cupcake, bad luck with the license plate. To fix that...you might have to, I don't know, develop a celebrity obsession. Off the top of my head, you could get into Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Foxworthy, or Jeffrey from Project Runway. (Yeah, pickings are slim, but we have to work with what you've got.) I figure any way you can get the attention off your stupid ex is a good way to go.
Against my better judgement, I'm going to go ahead and give you the green light on your dinner date. Try to ruin as many other dates with your loud crying as possible! I think you might be onto something with your free dessert plan.
Since you asked, I will be ignoring Sweetest Day to the best of my considerable abilities.