Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm writing to you because I know my wife is a big fan of your column. I don't really know how to explain this, but my she keeps putting pictures of STDs EVERYWHERE. Today, I went to use the computer and chlamydia was staring me in the face. More importantly, she keeps pictures of stds in her wallet where the pictures of our kids should be. You know, the pocket sized ones? It's affecting our kids. They can't reach in their lunchboxes without pulling out herpes. The teachers are worried, and so am I. Our little baby said her first words the other day- they were "infectious disease." Worse, it's affecting me. Help me, Bitter Amanda. If she doesn't stop, not only will our kids become bitter, but I'll become bitter too! Now I'm scared of having sex. What if I get genital warts? I'm afraid that if I can never have sex again, I'm headed down a path of dark, cold bitterness. Help. I don't want to trade my red heart for a scary black!
-The other mommy.
Your baby's first words were "infectious disease"?? That's amazing! Quite the little smarty-pants you have there!
I remember your wife's letter to me. (Check it out here.) That ought to explain the pictures of STDs. But I fear that in her quest to keep your children safe, she may have been a bit overzealous and gone overboard. It happens. You should talk to her about toning it down a little. (Especially that wallet thing. Weird.)
Now about you. Are you having an affair? Sleeping around? Is your wife?
Well then, calm the hell down! Unless your wife has genital warts, having sex with her won't lead to them. You're a grown adult and you should know this stuff! Damn.