Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Hey kittens--

Check out my latest over here for some important information regarding our relationship.

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Friday, December 19, 2008

Dear MFEO...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

What the hell is going on with me? I'm so confused that I can't sort out the facts.

My life is wrought with stress, big decisions, a lack of certainty, and terrible situations. I hate my job, but I need to keep it. I hate my major, but it gets me a job. My friends aren't reliable, but I need them to talk to. And on top of it all, I'm not dating anyone.

With this whole mess of insanity in mind, tonight I began to think, "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to have something for certain?" and the first thing that pops into my mind is a person. I wonder, could I mend things with this person and get it back to the way it was? Is it possible? Is it just the familiarity and comfort I miss, not so much the person, and I'm turned off by finding it in someone else AGAIN? Was the familiarity and comfort something genuine enough that I really should get it back, or is this all simply a product of a stressful time?

Keep in mind, being with this person again would require a lot of work, and long distance commitment that would end, ultimately, worse than ever if it didn't work, and better than ever if it did... potentially. So in trying to mend things wouldn't I be taking on more uncertainty? What the hell???

I can't help myself right now. My mind keeps coming back to electricity and little details that I like about this person and miss, and I find it hard to understand why I'm not with her anymore. Like, why did I do that? Why am I doing this! Sort me out!

-Sleepless in Seattle

Dear MFEO,
Damn, you ARE a mess. Before you ask me any further questions (since you covered your quota in this email) you need to chill. You're gonna overthink it and that never goes well. (Ask any woman.)
I know that when you're stressed and feeling overwhelmed, it's easy to think about something good you used to have and pine for it. Sometimes, life is complicated, leading you to remember how good you used to have it. Sometimes, like with college, these things aren't in your life anymore because they can't be. (Both my college and parents made it pretty clear that once I was handed the diploma, I was no longer eligible to live in campus housing.) Other times, a person isn't in your life anymore because they shouldn't be. (See: ex.) Relationships end for a reason. Sure, some relationships find a better time or place for round two. It's usually in romantic comedies. (Usually a big letdown. Gross.)
However, it does happen! Sometimes people get back together. To figure out if this is wise, look at it this way. You know you miss that girl when you're feeling overwhelmed. But do you think about her when you're underwhelmed? Or just whelmed?**

Yeah, not quite the same answer, huh? She may have been familiar and comfortable, but it sounds like now it'd be a high maintenance, risky relationship. And then you'll be sending me more emails.
Do yourself, and me, a favor. Wait until your life and mindset calm down. When that happens, reevaluate this person. If you still miss her and think it's worth a shot, go from there. Don't make the classic mistake of acting under stress. Poor life choice.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**Note: only possible in Europe.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dear Bill Murray...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm a long time reader, and I've even written before (Bill Murray) about the dreamy boy from out west who sends the unmistakable signals despite being in a long distance relationship. So I'm writing again, because the aforementioned gentleman-friend and I hang out all the time and have a great friendship... and admittedly there's still definitely some flirting business going on on both sides. Recently, however, my dear darling roommate cornered him in a bar while they were both somewhat inebriated. She made an inappropriate comment about his incessant flirting, to which he replied, "Yeah it's harmless, you know... but I do have a girlfriend." ::long pause during which roommate makes another inappropriate drunken comment:: "Well if I weren't seeing my MidWestern Slut (read: his current girlfriend), things would probably have happened already with X (read: yours truly)." Bitter, what am I supposed to do with this information!?!? It's pretty much worse than not knowing. Like, consolation prize, I kinda dig you, but nothing's going to ever happen because I'd rather have a long-distance-thing with this chick I like to constantly fight over the phone with (because there totally is a ton of regular over-the-phone arguments). So there you have it, why in the world are boys so lame? And why the hell do they admit things (things that you can't do anything about) that just make you feel sort of dazed and confused?Sigh...
Madame X

Dear Bill Murray,
Ah, yes, I remember your question! (Readers: see question here.) I'm sorry to hear that you're still troubled by this boy.
It seems to be a truly male quality to admit to things that you can't actually do anything about but that inevitably change things. (See: "I used to like her!") I don't know why they do this. I think in some twisted boy way, they see it as doing you a favor. "I'm not rejecting you! I know girls hate rejection! But this isn't like that, because I'm not in a position to accept you, either. If I WAS, I would totally be into you! " (Thanks?) As much as I desperately want to blame them for this bizarre behavior, I really think it comes from somewhere good within. Boys know that women often suffer from What Did I Do Wrong Syndrome, and this is their way of helping us not fall prey to it.
What they don't take into account is that combating WDIDW Syndrome directly leads to What If Syndrome, sometimes known as What Could I Have Done Differently Syndrome. (One of the main causes of long late-night chats with your BFF.)

Essentially, men, there's just no pleasing us. If you're a boy we like, and we are not in some sort of relationship with you, we will be in some sort of agony, self-imposed or otherwise.

Anyway, Bill, it sounds like this guy is going to stick it out with MidWesternSlut until things fall apart at the seams. (They will.) You should just be flattered that someone digs you, realize that OF COURSE he was into you, for you are fabulous, and move on to search for an available boy who recognizes you as the goddess you are. Feel free to indulge in harmless flirting, if you can indeed flirt without getting your hopes up.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda