Dear Interesting Name for Reader...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I just saw Waitress, a charming and funny movie about how disappointing life is. Adrienne Shelly was a talented filmmaker and I find it tragic that she is no longer with us today. There is a scene in the film where a cranky old man reads a letter from an advice column to the main character. I couldn't stop laughing. It made me think of you. Please, please, please give us your answer to this fabulously bitter letter.

Witty closing,

Someone Clever

p.s. If you have not seen this movie yet, do. RIGHT NOW!!

"[OLD JOE reads advice column for the lonely hearts] 'Dear Elizabeth. My husband fell in love with another woman from his workplace. I want to kill myself. I want to write the perfect suicide note to let him know how much pain he's caused me. I'm wondering if you can dispense any advice on composing a suicide note that would harm my snake of a husband and his slut girlfriend the most. Yours Truly, Betrayed In Biloxi'

OLD JOE: I love living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others."

Dear Interesting Name for Reader,

I am ashamed to say that I received your letter many moons ago. However, I was intent on seeing this movie before answering you. This letter was like my high school boyfriend's phone number: it was in my brain and if reminded that it was there, I could recite it. But until Waitress was on Lifetime the other day, it remained in a dusty box.

I suck.

However, I have seen Waitress now. Let's do this.

Dear Forlorn in a Film,

You are absolutely going about this the wrong way. This man does not want to be with you anymore. So clearly you deserve someone better! Any troll of a man who would cheat on his wife does not deserve a good woman. Killing yourself? Won't have the outcome you're hoping to achieve. First of all, you'd be dead. Huge point in the "negative" column. Second of all, he might be sad, but part of him would also be all, "Hey now, messy divorce proceedings? DONE." And then go home with his slutty coworker. (Who will inevitably leave him for someone with more hair, more visible abs, and more money.) ON TOP OF THAT, he will probably try to play the "Barbie McSlutty here was really there for me in my time of need when I was grieving!" card. Lots of people will probably say how brave he's being in the face of tragedy and how great it is that he's opening himself up to love again and other Hallmark card sentimental bullshit.

How dare you make his life easier for him.

No. That is not what you need to do at all. You need to make him regret losing you. You need to make him suffer. Here's what you're gonna do: You're going to look really good anytime you might see him or any mutual acquaintances. You're going to look so good that word of your hotness will get back to him. You're going to live your life for you and do awesome things that will make you so happy your horrible slimy ex won't be able to feel anything other than remorse. When your girlfriends gossip about him and his whorish new ladyfriend (taking liberties with the word "lady" here), you will sip your drink and feel justifiably smug that you got off that sinking ship before it was too late.

And one day in the future, when the stupid little tart leaves him and he comes crawling back to you? And you get to turn him down? A bruised ego limping away from you will be the moment you waited for.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda