Dear Bitter Amanda,
My girlfriend hogs the bed every night and every time I try to move her she's like dead weight. I've tried talking to her about this but it never seems to help. WHAT DO I DO?
-Tired and Squished.
Oh, poooooor you. "I have someone to sleep with every single night but that's just not good enough for me!" Blah blah blah.
I'll tell you what you do, precious. You go to bed first and pretend like she's an attacking bear. Make yourself as large as possible to scare her away. I'm not an expert on animals, but I think the method for cougars is also applicable here...throw things at her. Or, if you don't want anyone to make a call to the police about a domestic dispute, you could treat her like a raccoon taking up residence in your home. Leave a window or door open and she should find her way out by morning.
I know your lady isn't a wild animal (ok, I hope your lady isn't a wild animal...) but I think these ought to do the trick. Good thing my dad used to teach me about outdoor safety in northern Michigan!