Dear Magic Pants...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I am in love with my yoga pants. From the moment I first put them on I knew they were The One. They hug in all the right places while hide the flaws of my legs with their dark color. They are not too high at the waist, not too low; just right on the hip. And, they make my butt look amazing. They are Magic Pants. I want to wear them all the time, no other pants will do.

Crazy thing is, I don't even do yoga. Well, ok, I do pilates but it isn't the same thing.

However, I worry that they are too casual for work and other activities that require me to be in public. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Ready To Wear


Dear Magic Pants,
This is a serious dilemma. I completely understand the yearning for perfect, comfortable, soft cotton while in the ironed confines of work pants. Trust me, I feel your pain.
I had a friend in college who was getting ready for a presentation. She had to dress nicely but could not find her Adult Pants. Her solution** may help you here. She broke out the iron and put a crease in her pinstriped pajama pants. General theory in our hall stood that if she dressed well otherwise, it would fool her audience.
So, dear, iron a crease in your yoga pants for work. Have a look in the mirror. Are you fooled? If yes, then put on a work shirt and work shoes and you're good to go! If you're not fooled, then put on an inappropriately revealing top so no one will bother to look at your pants. Everyone wins!
Best of luck.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**In the end, she borrowed my Adult Pants and subsequently looked better in them than I did, so I killed her.

Dear Bill Murray...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There's this totally dreamy boy who has told mutual friends that he's in an "open relationship" with a chick out west. That being said, the aforementioned dreamboat is sending some unmistakable signals. I, for one, do not want to get my hopes up for someone who is in a relationship, er, excuse me, I mean "open relationship"... but what exactly does this "open relationship" thing mean!?!?

Lost in Translation


Dear Bill Murray,
It means he can physically cheat on his far-away girlfriend but if it turns emotional she'll get pissed. At least, that's my general take on the subject. I can't say I know of any open relationships that work out well, but hey, I could be wrong. So, if you're involving your hopes, I'd stay away. Because even if he does make it past your Neanderthal Radar, if you get close and his western lady hears him talking about some girl named Bill he hangs out with, she'll get jealous and go crazy and then he'll have to decide if he wants to be with her or you or no one. And regardless of the decision, you won't like it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Hypothetical...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Let's say there was a guy and a girl that broke up, and I got to know the girl after. Now, let's say we started seeing each other, but then the guy comes back and wants the girl back. Say she didn't want anything to do with him, turned him down flat, and is now persistently annoying in his attempt to "win her". Also, let's say things are good between me and the girl, but there's added stress on the developing relationship because of the guy's behavior, and also that the guy annoys me to no end with this crap. What the hell should I do? Do I have permission to beat him up?
-Anonymous


Dear Hypothetical,
Guy sounds like a douchebag. If you break up with and then get rejected by the same girl (or person, really) you just need to move on. There's no sense in trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Why do that to yourself?
But back to your situation. If things are good between you two, you probably want to keep it that way? You could beat him up--what a typical male response. There are two possibilities. She could think you're her knight in shining armor and that chivalry isn't dead! You could restore her faith in men! Orrrrr...she could think you're a juvenile pig who can't handle things like an adult. You don't think she can deal with him on her own and she needs you to protect her??
See? It's tricky.
If his attempts to win her heart occur while you're together, you can certainly pull him aside and let him know that you're working your magic and he's ruining everything. Doesn't that fall under Guy Code? THEN (and only then), if he still won't leave her alone, you are allowed to consider the alternative. You might feel less like a man, but she'll appreciate not seeing the testosterone circus. And really, that's better for you in the long run. (ie Will improve your shot at getting laid.)
Best of luck, boss.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Gross...

Bitter Amanda,
I don't know what to do. I'm concerned about a friend. I hadn't had a chance to speak to her for a while, so decided to read her blog to see what was going on in her life.
She had an entry about photographing, scrutinizing, and making a flipbook of insect porn! She saw two flies going at it and documented the entire thing on film.
She's not an entomologist, and she's never showed an affiliation for bugs before. And clearly, no one sane (who doesn't study bugs for a living) would want to closely observe the mating habits of flies.
I think she needs some professional help. How should I approach her about this?
~Grossed Out


Dear Gross,
Oh, you're hilarious. I notice you sent this during office hours. Is this what you're getting paid to do? Does your boss know about it? Shouldn't you be doing something productive, instead of just being annoying and getting older? (Oh yes, I went there. You're old.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Manpet...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Would you pay for certainty whenever you wanted it?
-Manpet


Dear Manpet,
I'm only marginally employed, and this site does not count. So....probs not. Some certainties in life, however, are free: I'll share them now.
1. February 29th, presidential elections, and the summer Olympics always fall in the same year. This does not mean anything, but I like those things.
2. Taxes, if you live in this country. I'm not sure about other countries, so I'll stick with what I know.
3. Men are a serious, mind-boggling pain in the ass. No offense.
Also, something about death, but let's not turn this into a total downer.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Venus...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Why are boys so lame? I could probably break this question into about three or four hundred others, but honestly they all seem to stem from this one small truth.
Hoping you have some wisdom on the matter,
Definitively from Venus


Dear Venus,
You're damn right it's the truth. Dealing with a boy is like dealing with a toddler who has his own cell phone.
I can figure out their thinking, but it's not sane or logical. It's stupid.
Here's the problem: they don't think so. They are under the impression that everything they do is simple and rational. (What folly!) So they make a simple statement, and we think they can't possibly be that stupid. We search for deeper meanings, coming up either angry or empty-handed and then angry--of course. Why? There are no deeper meanings! (That we continue to look for them drives men crazy.) But we keep looking because we say to ourselves, "Well that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! He must have meant it some other way."
Pumpkin, I hate to break this to you, but I have to: if I had a definitive answer for your question, I'd have figured out a way to make millions. We're different, and men are wired for lame. That's about as close as I've come to an answer.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Apollo...

Yeah, I've read your bitching about "dating" and men and it's time for me to set you straight on what your real prob is... You want me. You hate it, but it's true. You need a real man, and I'm it. It's so simple.

Quitchyer fussin and fightin... surrender to your hunger... me.

I'm attaching a pic of me... your first dose of awaits.


Dear Apollo,
Well, thank God you've emailed me at long last! I've been waiting ages! *sigh* And in such a romantic manner...you sure have a way with women. I can hardly believe that you're available to be soliciting women on the internet!

Seriously? Couple things, really quickly. Number one, I don't know you. I couldn't possibly be in denial about wanting you, because I don't know you. Two, I don't suspect (based on your charming email) that I would want you if I did know you. And finally, you did not attach a photo. Not that I was anxious to look at it, but I just thought you should know that this rejection (and it's a very firm, solid rejection; make no mistake) is not based on your appearance.

Please cease and desist all communication.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Target Practice...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I think my cupid's aim is off.

Say, for instance, I met a nice guy. Say he's intelligent, funny, good looking, etc. Say I can stand talking to him for more than a few minutes and actually look forward to our conversations. Say I have a mind to ask him out. Now. Why is it, at that particular moment when I've made up my mind to pursue a particular person, that some random friend/acquaintance/colleague (whom I've never had any interest in beyond being buddies and probably never will) starts making googly eyes at me/follows me around/asks me out? Bitter Amanda, why does this consistently happen? No sooner have I got my sights locked in than does some interloper blindside me with affectionate advances, startling me, screwing up my game, and making things difficult. The problem is usually exacerbated by the fact that the two people in question frequently know each other, causing all sorts of loyalties to be called into question. Why!? Why does this happen all the time? And what can I do to a) fend off the intruder (tactfully) while b) pursuing a relationship with my originally intended target?

Pheasant Hunting with Dick Cheney


Dear Target Practice,
First of all, if you've found a man that can be tolerated for more than a moment or two, this is a big deal. Don't give up just yet!
As for your dilemma, that's quite tricky. Let's start with other men noticing you after you've made your choice. I think that when a woman is interested in someone, she tends to walk a little taller. There's that lovely feeling of a new crush that hasn't let you down (yet) and you're seeing new shades of green in the trees and all that romantic nonsense. (Gag.) A confident woman is more attractive, so it only makes sense that when you're feeling pretty good, you're going to get noticed more. And while you're doing your girly strut thing (which we all do when we're interested in someone) while the friends of your desired are around...well, you see my point. They're going to be the ones who notice you. Vicious cycle.
One of the greatest and worst things about men is that they're blissfully oblivious. Knowing this, you should be able to tactfully ignore your extraneous suitors and play it off like you don't notice the drool and googly eyes. Act like nothing is different. Say things like, "It's too bad my friend _______ doesn't live here, because you're just her type." That's like saying ,"Hey, I'm not into you."
Then, just stay the course with your intended. I'm telling you, a boy who doesn't annoy you is a rare and mythical thing. You've spotted a unicorn! Keep tracking him until you can shoot him down to mount onto your living room wall.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Useful...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Is it true that a kiss tells no lies?
-Manpet


Dear Useful,
Wouldn't that be nice? It would save a lot of trouble, if you could know where someone stood after kissing them. Then again, there are plenty of people who want a kiss to tell them a little lie. We kiss people for all different reasons, and they all seem to make perfect sense at the time. And while sometimes a kiss is the whole truth, sometimes...not so much. You can find in it whatever you're looking for. So if you really want it to, it can be the truth, even if just for a little while.
A kiss doesn't tell any more or less lies than the people involved.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear A/S/L...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There's this chick, her name's Amanda. Sometimes I'll think things will be going great. Then she'll just...disappear on me.

Often she provides some sort of excuse that sounds legitimate, but I'm having my doubts. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

- I.M. LOST


Dear A/S/L,
Well, I'm sure she's awesome. I mean, hello, power name. But you sound rather clingy and needy, so she probably could do better. (I'm just being honest.) You've got two options, sport. Either man up and trust her or man up and trust your gut. Unless, of course, you want a really wacky solution, like talking to this wise young woman. Craziness!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bobcat...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Would you like to go get coffee sometime?

Sincerely,
-Bob



Dear Bobcat,
I've been mulling over your question for a few days. But here you have it:

Why yes, I would love to! I love getting coffee. I'll be heading to Dunkin' just as soon as I finish this letter! Thanks for the suggestion.


Oh wait, were you implying that you would also be getting coffee? (I'm not stupid, readers, I'm making a point. Wait for it and try to keep up.) I checked you out, boss, and unless you lie to the internet, we do not live in the same place. Hardly close enough to drink coffee in the same building. But you were sincere in your effort (you even stated that!) so I'm going to thank you for illustrating something I recently talked about.
In my last response, I pointed out that men often rely on an "easy-out" date invite. This is a perfect example of that. (Thanks Bob.) Imagine that this happened in person. There is no timeframe involved, so I'm not obligated to actually make plans with the asker! I could say yes, but then if I walk away and didn't really want to have coffee, I don't have to return his phone calls/IMs/facebook messages/you get my point. And then, well, it sucks to be Bob. Better luck next time.
He does earn some points for suggesting a specific activity, though. It is infinitely better than an offer to "hang out." Guys, seriously, this tells us nothing. You're trapping us--the only way we'll say yes to that is if we really like you and don't care when you wanted to hang out or what you wanted to do. In that situation, you are a lucky man. But if we're kind of "eh" about you...well, we need more information. What if you meant hang out like "go see the new Batman movie" and I can't stand comic book movies? See my point? We don't want to get roped into some lame activity. (For the record: Batman was just an example. I love Christian Bale.) Moral of the story: when dealing with asking someone out, man up. Don't be passive about it, boys.


And Bobcat, I realize that you may not have written this to help me compose a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of lazy dating and the modern man. If that's the case, and you were trying to be nice, then I'm sorry. I'm not really into, you know, people. It's not you, it's your Y chromosome. No hard feelings.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Other...

Bitter Amanda,
Why is it that the last three people who've hit on me have:
-had a girlfriend,
-been married, and
-been engaged
What could I possible be doing thats attracting people already in relationships? Or do boys just hit on anything that may, on occasion, wear a skirt?
-Don't Want to be the "Other Woman"


Dear Other,
It's a widely discussed sentiment that men are cowardly and useless. Regarding asking women out, that is. (Ok, it's not just that area, but let's focus on one issue at a time.) They rely on a wingman and then throw out vague, easy-to-recover-from invites to "hang out." They have to be spoon-fed the idea that you're interested and in the end, we all but ask ourselves out! Delightful. Well done, guys.
So how come these guys are so open about their interest in you? It doesn't matter for them! If you say no, well, they just go home to their unsuspecting lady who can inevitably do better. Nothing lost! And if you say yes...SCORE. For them. (Not so much for you, since you're now a homewrecker, and definitely not for the girlfriend or wife. Because they've been fooled by this horrible manchild.)
So you're not doing anything wrong! It is, predictably, the fault of the Y chromosome here.
Such is life.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Sir...

I can't git marryed to my swethart cuz theres law ginst marryin yur sister. But I's don't see nothin wrung wit incest longs it stays in the family. Hows can we change the law so me and sis can tie the not? Iwnat to set a good example for our youngin's.
BillyBob


Dear Sir,
Yeahhhh.....I'm not sure you should be focused on changing laws. You would make a terrible politician and/or lawmaker. Those people possess many qualities that I'm not sure you've heard of, let alone share.
Clean up, get out of the trailer, and introduce yourself to the big world outside of your gene pool.
That's the only advice I'll be giving you, so I'd take it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Duh...

Bitter Amanda,

I was at a retirement party for a well-respected coworker - lots of people were there. Including a cute young woman I'd seen around the office and I had assumed was either a new hire or a college student interning for the summer. We ended up exchanging numbers, and hooked up a few days later (and by hooked up I don't mean "grabbed a cup of coffee" but "had lots of really awesome sex after grabbing a cup of coffee.")

Turns out she was NOT a cute new hire. It was the vice president's 18-year old daughter who just graduated from high school. I don't know what to do! I was planning on a casual summer fling (before I found out who she was and that she's barely legal), but she's already started talking about marriage and babies and hinting about "our future" together. And its only been two weeks! I don't think Mr. Bossman currently knows his daughter's banging an employee, and I only see two possible outcomes to this:

-Break up with psycho-girl, break her heart, and have Daddy-dearest after my ass for hurting his youngest child and only daughter
-Stay with psycho-girl to prevent breaking her heart, get introduced to the parents, and then have Daddy-dearest furious that an employee is banging his precious baby.

Either way it looks like I'm screwed. Is there any way out of this mess without losing my job?

~Work Booty is Bad Booty, and Learned it the Hard Way


Dear Duh,
Really? Work booty is bad booty? You think?
You might not lose your job, but there is definitely no painless way out of this situation. Which, by the way, you put yourself in. You should probably start, you know, finding out who you're sleeping with in advance. Just a tip.
There's no good way out of it. I shouldn't be helping you, jackass, but I will. Tell her this: you don't want to get in trouble at work because of your relationship. If she gets all dreamy-eyed "no one can come between us" crazy, then tell her it's because you care too much about her and you don't want to risk losing her. (A lie, yes, but sometimes you need to tell a helping lie.) If you can string her along until the fall, she'll head off to college and hopefully find some nice frat boy to tell her lies instead.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bad Mommy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

So I've been dealing with some health issues. And according to my doctor, the best treatment option is getting knocked up.
No, seriously. The first thing my doctor said to me was "pregnancy would clear this right up." And I do see certain benefits to this option: 1. lots of getting laid (the condition is also a leading cause of infertility... so lots and lots of sex would clearly need to be involved) 2. nine months without a period 3. i love food, and I'll be eating for two! 4. condition goes away.
The only problem I'm seeing so far is that pregnancy usually leads to infants. Which I'm not so ready for.
The problem is, my doctor doesn't seem to understand this. Everytime I go in, she's asking me about when I plan on popping one out. ACK! How does one convince their doctor they aren't ready to have an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina?

~Not Ready for Parenthood


Dear Bad Mommy,
I don't have to do a google search to assure you that your assumption is correct. Pregnancy does usually lead to babies.
As for letting your doctor know that you're not exactly ready to buy a carseat and a Gymboree membership, I'd say you could use the last line of your letter. Anyone who describes the miracle of birth as, and I quote, "having an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina" is clearly not ready to be a mother. No self-respecting medical professional would encourage parenthood to someone with that kind of attitude.
Just go get some and eat a lot of pie. You'll like that more.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Julia Child...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I've heard from numerous sources the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I decided to put this to the test and ask a certain good looking fella out to lunch. He said yes, we had a lovely time-- lively conversation, laughing, and an agreement to hang out again soon. Days go by with no call or invitation from this young man. Two weeks later, I summon the guts to once again invite the gentleman out for a meal. He accepts, and once again, we have an absolutely lovely time, and, once again, quite some time goes by with no contact. Tenacious gal I am, I propose another food oriented rendez-vous, which is, again, accepted, and again, a good time is had by all. There is no follow-up by the man in question. Disgruntled, at the end of the week I bake a batch of award winning brownies to assuage said disgruntlement. When I can no longer eat anymore, I call the lad, who agrees to take the brownies off my hands. I sip my tea as he polishes off my baked goods, and we discuss all topics great and small. And doesn't call me the next day.
Bitter Amanda, is this some bizarre shy-boy routine or is he just using me for food?
-Starved for Attention



Dear Julia Child,
Oh, open your eyes, woman! After a couple instances, I was still thinking that he needed to man up and grow some balls. But by the end of your email, my god! He doesn't need to man up! He's being PLENTY male in his behavior. You keep coming to him, sometimes with baked goods! He's playing games. A rational person would start reciprocating when it comes to hanging out with a new friend. But since he's a man, we clearly are not dealing with a rational being. He doesn't need to call you or show initiative! He's living the good life.
It says a couple things about him. You're not going to like this. First of all, he's not into you. If he IS, by some strange happenstance, then he sucks at life and does not deserve you or your homebaked goodies. (Or ANY of your goodies.) (You know what I mean.) Second of all, he's a total douchebag.
Now, it's not likely but there is a small possibility that I am wrong. Maybe he's just one of those really low maintenance friends, like my sister, who only needs contact every once in a great while? I call them Camel Friends. They don't think separation hurts a friendship, and therefore only get in touch when they realize it's been a long time. You can't be offended by those kind of friends. But you do need to test it out. Stop contacting him. If he DOES care, then after some time he'll call you.
But for heaven's sake, stop bringing him treats. You don't reward a dog when it shits on the carpet.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Abandonment.

Darling readers,

I regret to inform you that I'll be taking a three week hiatus from advising the lame, pathetic, and otherwise hopeless.


HA I so do not regret it. That was hard to type! I'm going to Italy for summer camp, kids, so write to Dear Abby if you're desperate while I'm gone!

Solitarily yours (but not until mid-July),
Bitter Amanda

Dear Clingy...

Bitter Amanda,
So, I emailed you not too long ago asking about greeting cards for STDs. I decided to do some research on my own.
The first web site that pops up for a google search of "gonorrhea greeting card" is titled FamilyFun... a Disney Family.com website. Twisted... but unfortunately the Disney website doesn't have any "sorry about that STD" cards I'm looking for.
~Still Itchy


Dear Clingy,
"Not too long ago"? Your emails came 34 minutes apart. Do you think I stare at my inbox all day, waiting for emails? Um, I have a life.
Get over the greeting cards.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Herp...

Do they make greeting cards saying "Sorry I gave you an STD?"

~Itchy in CT


Dear Herp,
Um, gross. They don't. Know why? Because that's the kind of card nobody wants. Just stick to the obligatory "maybe you should get tested" phone call and be done with it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Distressed...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Guys keep asking for my advice. Not just on appearance or video games, but GIRLS! I'm pretty obviously straight AND a tomboy, so it's hard to see why I'd seem like such a beacon of wisdom. And to make things worse, men I'm attracted to are also asking me for advice on other females. How do I make them stop?!
Yours,
Damsel in Combat Boots


Dear Distressed,
Bastards. Their asking you is actually kind of a compliment, in terms of cloudy, ridiculous boy stuff. I know, it doesn't feel like one, but trust me. Two options for you, Doc Marten. You can start giving really shitty advice, which will absolutely make them stop coming to you for help. Practice this line: "Tell that bitch she's batshit-crazy." That ought to cover most of your bases, in terms of advice. (Oh no, giving away my secrets...)
If you're not into alienating yourself from all your friends, then perhaps you should go with Option Two. Be more forward about your interest in them--then use THIS advice for them: "Tell her to leave you alone and then ask me the hell out because buddy, I will not wait around forever for you to get a clue."
Just remember this if things go well: getting a new boy in your life is like getting a puppy. You have to train him and feed him and clean up after him. It can get pretty gross. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda