Dear Bridezilla...

Bitter Amanda,

I'm tired of dating. I want to get married. I've tried everything to convince my man to pop the question.

I left magazines scattered around, open to giant, full-page ads for diamond rings. I hummed "Every kiss belongs to Kay" and every other jewelry store jingle I could think of. I tried to work jewel-related metaphors into every possible conversation: "I wish my hair were PLATINUM." "My cousin's favorite reptile is the DIAMONDback rattlesnake." It didn't work. So I tried reasoning with him: "Look, neither of us are getting any younger, let's just get married;" and I showed him a bunch of spreadsheets proving how much money we could save by living together. He looked at me like I was crazy.

So when all those plans failed, I went the passive-aggressive route: When he asked what I wanted for Christmas I told him "I want to die alone, in my parents' basement, covered in cat hair". He's still not getting the picture.

Is it illegal to drug him and elope while he's high as a kite?

~Waiting Impatiently


Dear Bridezilla,
Well, I can't be sure on the legality of your plan, since each state might have different-- ARE YOU INSANE? You need to tone it down and chill the hell out or you will die alone in your parents' basement, covered in cat hair.
Dating sucks. It's a pain in the ass until you actually have a decent date. I don't blame you for wanting to move on. (But marriage? Really? What, is that shit contagious? Everyone's getting married these days. No thank you.) Here's the problem I'm noticing with your relationship: your boyfriend doesn't want the same thing.
Either he's one of those perennial bachelors who "just doesn't see the point of it" (=fine now but sad in five years) or he doesn't want to marry you. This next thing I'm going to tell you, it could be the thesis of my opinions on relationships.

You deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you.

That could be said in most of the letters I answer. If someone leaves you or treats you badly, well fine. You're too awesome for them. Any disgusting toad who doesn't see that does not deserve you. You eat some ice cream, watch sad movies, cry on the couch, go out and say angry things with your friends--whatever works for you. Then you move on because someone more awesome who will appreciate you is out there. They're elusive, sure, but you can handle the challenge. Me? I'd rather be single than settle.

That being said, I will award points for your varied methods. I like the creativity! But you failed and that's why I'm here. I stand by my advice of moving on. And calming down about the wedding. ...And toning down the crazy, at least a couple notches.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Elementary...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm beginning to suspect that he might actually be an asshole after all... damn...

Sherlock Holmes


Dear Elementary,
No shit. Of course he is. I'm not sure who you're talking about or what made you think he WASN'T an asshole, but they usually turn out that way. Better to move on.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Toxic...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Recently there has been some discussion in the news about how smelly farts can help regulate one's blood pressure. Some stupid-ass study showed that the chemical that causes smelly farts relaxed blood vessels in mice, and scientists think it serves the same function in people. Well, this has led my boyfriend to the conclusion its appropriate to let one rip at any given time. "Its healthy!" he says. What he doesn't realize if he continues this behaviour, I might have to kill him. It would be easy to make it look like an accident; "Why, officer, I didn't realize lighting a match in his presence would cause all the toxic fart gas to combust..." Is there a way to curb his 'healthy' behaviour without ending the relationship or ending up in jail?

The Gas Mask is my Friend


Dear Toxic,
I have been writing and dispensing advice for 3 years now, and I believe this is the first farting question I've had! I'm almost surprised, since many readers write to me about man troubles...and we all know there is some sort of connection there. Every day brings new surprises, readers.
Now, as for your boyfriend woes. Why do scientists do this?? It's as if no one looks over these studies before they're published to say, "Hey, this might backfire." Ohhh, no. Not if it's in the name of science! They're all in the lab, chuckling over their newest discovery, saying, "This idea has no flaws! It cannot go badly at all!"
Enter you, with your smelly boyfriend thinking he's doing the world a favor. Typical. You could do something decidedly underhanded and female, like talking to a doctor--your personal doctor might have issue with it, but maybe you have a friend with a medical degree? Or one who has started medical school? Or someone with a white lab coat and messy handwriting? Perhaps you have a friend with questionable ethics who once played Operation and feels that qualifies them to spout medical advice? Have your doctor or pseudo stand-in doctor prattle on about your blood pressure being TOO low, as a result of being TOO relaxed. Sort of, "Wow, darling, your disgusting farts were SO EFFECTIVE! Way to go! Now please stop before I die."
If this seems too soap opera for you (well...teen soap opera, really...it's not that dastardly) you have two additional choices. One is to put all your cards on the table and flat out tell him you're offended. The other is...well, it's gross. But if he's taken a casual view of farting in front of you, you might as well reciprocate. Challenge his notion that women don't emit any foul-smelling odors. Let him know that if he's going to ignore certain (perhaps antiquated, but appreciated by many) male/female standards, you will too. He'll soon see the error in his ways.

Hopefully.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Jessica Fletcher...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm in need of some guidelines. How do I tell if I'm on a date or not? Is there a checklist you could provide me with? I'm trying to figure out if people just enjoy buying me beer lately or if there is something else going on here.
Thanks,
Not Opposed to Free Beer, Just Curious


Dear Jessica Fletcher,
"Is this a date?" is truly one of the most enigmatic issues plaguing the minds of single women. (At least, all the single women I know. FYI, this number is decreasing at an alarming pace.) If you find yourself in this situation, take our your mental magnifying glass and Sherlock pipe, because you are trying to solve a mystery. But what are the clues you're looking for? I'll try for a comprehensive list, ladies.

Bitter Amanda's Guide to "Is This a Date?"**
1. Did he pick you up? (N/A if your area favors public transportation)
2. Does he smell nice? (If he's a friend, does he smell BETTER than usual?)
3. Did he bring you a trinket of some sort? (flowers, etc.)
4. Does he open your car door for you or hold other doors?
5. Does he pay?
5a. If you offer to pay, does he still pay?
6. If you're somewhere with a bar, does he go to fetch your drinks?
7. Have there been any compliments?
8. Are you both engaged in the conversation?
9. If things seemed to go well, does he suggest seeing each other again?
9a. In conversation, does he ever drop comments about doing something in the future?
10. This one is tricky, since it's not specific. It's hugely important, though. Are you getting a general vibe of attentiveness from your companion?

If you said yes to most of these, it's probably a date. If you said no, then either he does not consider it a date, or you're having a really bad date.

Clear Signs You're NOT On a Date (Or Having a Really Really Bad Date and Should Sneak Out ASAP.)
1. He answers phone calls and texts that aren't important or time-sensitive. (See: "Hey man, what's up?")
2. He openly ogles or flirts with your waitress or other women nearby.
3. He talks about other women.
4. He is totally uninterested in you.
5. Your conversation is basically you asking him questions about himself because he isn't actively participating.
6. You'd very much like to drive a fork into your eye or fake a heart attack for an excuse to go home. This is also why it's wise, ladies, to have a friend ready to call you at a certain time, in case you need to fake an emergency. In the case of blind dates, have several appointed times. For internet dates who come without the personal endorsement of someone you trust, double security measures and have a couple calls, texts at regular intervals, and a friend on standby to come get you. However, you should have driven yourself if at all possible. Kids, this is how people end up on the news.

Things change slightly if you're with someone you are already friends with. In this case, you've got a good opportunity to compare his normal behavior to his behavior on your Is This a Date? outing. Lucky you, you can also compare and contrast his grooming and wardrobe for further hints. I have also left out anything about him getting fresh with you. These are not necessarily helpful. I've had great first dates where the gentleman did not attempt to kiss me, and I've kissed gentlemen whom I was not dating. It's something you should analyze on a case-by-case basis, keeping in mind you and the boy. I can't include it on my checklist, or I'd have to re-evaluate all my past dates. I don't have time for that. It is, mind you, a great Date Signal if there is physical contact, no matter how subtle it may be. (Consider that Bonus Item #11, courtesy of Mellow Matt, who was rather helpful in providing a male perspective.)
Hope this helps!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS--If you're still confused, check his twitter when you get home. Clues!





**If your companion is a man.

Dear Magic School Bus...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am currently sitting on the couch in my dear, wonderful apartment doing some ugh-it's-Sunday sort of work (ie grading and lesson planning). It's bad enough that I have to finish up a work-filled weekend with more work in preparation for a full week of work, but to make matters worse, hark, what do I hear? Giggles. And whispers. And more giggles. Followed by more whispering and further giggling... all coming from my roommate's bedroom where she and her (ugh) boyfriend are hanging out (ie doing gross things that I shouldn't have to hear). I don't really have a question dear Bitter, this was more of a rant... though I suppose any suggestions that don't involve buying a box of earplugs would be lovely.
Mz. Frizzle


Dear Magic School Bus,
There are few things more painful (and awkward, more often than not) than having to listen to other people's...activities. This is a major downside to having roommates. Early in my first year of college, my roommate M (if one must have a roommate, get a carbon copy of this girl) and I had a friend sleeping on our floor, having been turned away from her own room due to activities happening within. The next morning, M looked at me and said, "I am not sleeping on anyone's floor." Just as serious, I replied, "Neither am I." That was that. There was no further discussion. (Like I said, you want a roommate like M.)
As for your dilemma, I am afraid there isn't much to do, if you like your roommate and want to maintain your friendship. The precedent has been set, and as far as your roommate knows, you're Totally Ok With It. Unfortunate, maybe, but true. You could, however, do little things to make your apartment seem less "Let's Get It On." (Including but not limited to: altering your choice of music, watching any movies or newscasts about giving birth or STDs, and cooking with strong flavors. Be creative!)
Stay strong.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Interlude.

"My view is that very few human beings on this earth can resist the almighty compliment of their instruction being sought. The implication is, you prostrate your lowly self before their greater wisdom. People love that."

--Being Committed, by Anna Maxted

Dear National Inquirer...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

What if I started greeting my guy friends with "Hey there, studly."?

Inquiring Mind


Dear National Inquirer,
Their heads would increase to the size of parade floats and you’d be forced to deal with the egomaniacal behavior of a man who believes he is extremely good looking until the end of time. Be advised, this is not in your best interest.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Lance Armstrong...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Today I was thinking about that saying, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle," and I was thinking about this t-shirt that has this really happy fish with his brand new bicycle and his parents looking on... He may not need that bike, but gosh darn it if he isn't enjoying it. I contemplated this and came up with the following: I don't have a man, but I do have a bicycle. I don't ride it very often because, well, I just don't feel like riding a bicycle all the time, but I have lots of fun taking it out once in a while. Also, the brakes don't work very well, and I like to be able to stop. Anyway, it occurred to me that I would like the same things from a man that I would like from my bicycle namely, 1) when I'm in the mood, they should entertain me, and 2) they should always have properly working brakes. So, do you think that the quote has been misinterpreted all these years? Have I hit upon the true intended meaning? It's quite deep, don't you think?

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Maintenance


Dear Lance Armstrong,
I have never appreciated the whole fish/bicycle saying. I’m not one to side with men, but I think it is a trifle unfair to their gender. I won’t comment on the intended meaning of the saying itself, since I haven’t done the proper legwork. (Nor do I intend to. I’m an advisor, not an investigative journalist, kids.) I like your take on it, though. Standards are important in both transportation and potential mates.
I prefer to think of the saying in other terms. Rather than a fish needing a bicycle, I like to think of a woman needing a man like she needs a new handbag. She’s fine without it, and it certainly doesn’t serve any purpose she can’t handle herself. Sometimes they’re more of a hassle—you have to keep track of it and make sure it’s not out of place at your destination. Handbags are useful at times and good to have around, and they can definitely improve an outfit if chosen wisely. But, I repeat, she’s fine without it!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda



PS— [Fish shirt:http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=CG-FISHBIKE&Category_Code=CG]

Dear Show Boat...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

You seem bored, so let me shoot this question to you.

What is an unreasonable age gap for dating? Without getting overtly sarcastic or going to extremes, allow me to provide you with an example. Let's say that I'm 24. Is it okay for a 24 year old to date an 18 year old? How about a 26 year old and an 18 year old, is that a reputable couple? What if a person is 30 and dating a 20 year old? Is there an unspoken judgment somewhere that strictly says "No!"? Of course this includes only those people who are, of course, adults as defined by the law, I'm not asking for responses to questions that would go include anyone under 18. Is the chemistry between people the only thing that matters? I mean chemistry is fine, but a gap of six to eight year between people means a mess of developmental differences. In reality, an 18 year old who ACTS older really has a lot to go through still to BE older, and that only comes with time and experience. You can't fake experience.

Right?

What's your view on that one?

-Old Man River


Dear Show Boat,
Ok, I'm just going to put this out there at the start. You should not be dating an 18 year old.Alright, I feel better now. This is kind of a sticky subject. People who ask usually have a specific person or situation in mind, and inevitably don't like what they hear. (Picky bastards.) (Oh, not you, Old Man.) (Well...you might be. So far you're good.) There's no real rule or formula. I was once told the youngest a person could go was half their age plus 7. Following that, I could date a 19 year old. (He'd have to be a pretty upstanding 19 year old, to meet Bitter Amanda Standards.) But I think 19 is too young. This theory, along with all the others, is sketchy at best. My sister won't even consider anyone who is too young to go to a bar. Six years is a lot at my age, but thinking of a 40 year old dating a 46 year old doesn't even phase me. (Except that she's setting herself up for disappointment; a common theme no matter the age.)

For me, here's what it really boils down to: where you are in life. An 18 year old is dealing with, let's assume for the sake of me being right, finishing high school and going to prom and figuring out how to wear a mortar board without looking sort of goofy. (Hey grads, the answer is: you can't.) They are planning the next big stage of life, whether that's college or the military or a job or whatever. And that might sound a lot like your mid 20s, but ask yourself: do you want to escort your significant other to their prom? (Sweet, creepy old guy is buying the beer!) I don't know about you, readers, but I had one prom and that was quite enough. Do you want to take her to your office party? (Hey, the boss brought his daughter, that's sweet....oh, wait.)
When you're looking at age gaps, you have to forget the number (assuming it's over 18 for both parties, thanks very much) and look at where your life is. Chemistry is important, but if you can't have a real conversation and understand each other, you don't have much.

And no, you cannot fake experience. You can fake a lot of things--some people even fake whole relationships. But you cannot fake experience.

Finally, before I sign off, do not date an 18 year old. You're too old for that.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


(Bonus parenthetical insert!)

Dear Rover...

Dearest Bitter,

Oh where have you gone,
Sour relationship guru?
I miss your sharp wit.

Love,
Lord Byron


Dear Rover,
Apparently my credit card company expects me to send them money BACK on a monthly basis. Work has consumed my life. But I'm taking my own advice, and I plan on being all, "Hey, work, stop being so needy. Codependency is dangerous and pathetic. Sometimes I like to hang out with my friends and not check in with you."
True story.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Mariah Carey...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

In your latest response to Bill Murray, you encourage "harmless flirting". I want to know if such a thing truly exists and how one does it safely. Dear Friends of mine lead me to believe otherwise saying that no such thing can exist because every guy secretly wants to fuck you. Therefore, every flirt is hopeful. This news made me sad (and a little grossed out). Prior to this information, I enjoyed flirting for fun. It was like a hobby.
But then the a silly thing happened: I laughed in a boy's face as he was trying to kiss me (even you have to admit that is harsh [but if you were in my place, you probably would have laughed too!!]) and the Dear Friends dropped the no-such-thing-as-harmless-flirting bomb. I suppose it was kind of like an intervention. Am I a special case? Is my hotness so grand that I am incapable of flirting without causing destruction? Or are boys feelings really so delicate and all that machismo is a bunch of bullshit?
Please, Bitter Amanda, guide me to the truth!

Sincerely,
Heartbreaker


Dear Mariah Carey,
It does kind of gross you out, doesn't it? It often leads us, as women, to adopt a blanket policy of ignoring strange men in bars or the general public. (Quick note, ladies: this is usually better, since randoms in bars are seldom interesting men.)
I still say flirting can be harmless. Not in all cases, but definitely some of the time. (Or maybe I'm the special case. Not unheard of.) Sure, it will still lead to the occasional awkward situation. That's not going to change! I don't think that's any reason to stop doing what you enjoy. I would guess that for every situation in which a woman gives off leading vibes, there is at least one man misreading the signals, like your poor rebuffed friend. (Hey guys, a quick FYI? Just because you cornered me and I've been talking to you for five minutes does not mean I plan on sleeping with you. You're missing all the bored searching over your shoulder for my friends. Go away now please.) As for victims of harmless flirting, such as your trampled suitor mentioned above, don't worry about them too much. It's a learning experience! He'll replay it in his mind like a game tape and alter his plan for next time. You're helping to mold him into a suitable boyfriend for some woman! (They all need it.) How very humanitarian of you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Acme...

BA-

What's speed dating and is it recommended?
-Wiley E. Coyote


Dear Acme,
Ah, speed dating. I knew this would come up eventually. According to everyone's favorite information source, Wikipedia, speed dating is "a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people." But basically you're at an event with other single people (Well, people who claim to be single. I'm sure there are some non-singles who go, the assholes.) and you go on a series of short "dates" with everyone of the opposite sex. (Unless you're at a gay speed dating event, in which case you don't want to be on dates with the opposite sex.) I haven't been (surprise) but have heard from lots of people about it.
Do I recommend it? I'm on the fence. For me personally, I'm not interested. I don't really care about answering whatever inane questions the man across from me comes up with. I'm not really looking for a date, speedy or otherwise. For others, though, it's a different story. If you're looking to meet new people, it can't really hurt. It's more personal than internet dating, as far as I'm concerned. (Know instantly if someone gives you the creeps!) On the plus side, if it's a bad date--most will be, sorry--it's only two minutes long! You'll get a dud, sure, but that bell rings and he's gone. You won't have to arrange for a friend to call you and fake an emergency or find the quickest escape route! It's actually much better than most first dates, if you think about it.
So, kitten, I say to proceed with caution. If you decide to go, for heaven's sake think of some interesting questions to ask during your two minutes! Try to impress someone. Also, maybe take a friend so you can make fun of the losers together later.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Random...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm bored and ignorant. When are you coming back?

Bonsai Penguin


Dear Random,
I'm back now. Back to the frozen hellhole that is Michigan, after some blissfully warm weeks in Guatemala. Advice will resume tomorrow. Unsolicited advice for now: seek refuge in a sunny locale. It does wonders for the spirit.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Interlude.

Hey kittens--

Check out my latest over here for some important information regarding our relationship.

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear MFEO...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

What the hell is going on with me? I'm so confused that I can't sort out the facts.

My life is wrought with stress, big decisions, a lack of certainty, and terrible situations. I hate my job, but I need to keep it. I hate my major, but it gets me a job. My friends aren't reliable, but I need them to talk to. And on top of it all, I'm not dating anyone.

With this whole mess of insanity in mind, tonight I began to think, "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to have something for certain?" and the first thing that pops into my mind is a person. I wonder, could I mend things with this person and get it back to the way it was? Is it possible? Is it just the familiarity and comfort I miss, not so much the person, and I'm turned off by finding it in someone else AGAIN? Was the familiarity and comfort something genuine enough that I really should get it back, or is this all simply a product of a stressful time?

Keep in mind, being with this person again would require a lot of work, and long distance commitment that would end, ultimately, worse than ever if it didn't work, and better than ever if it did... potentially. So in trying to mend things wouldn't I be taking on more uncertainty? What the hell???

I can't help myself right now. My mind keeps coming back to electricity and little details that I like about this person and miss, and I find it hard to understand why I'm not with her anymore. Like, why did I do that? Why am I doing this! Sort me out!

-Sleepless in Seattle


Dear MFEO,
Damn, you ARE a mess. Before you ask me any further questions (since you covered your quota in this email) you need to chill. You're gonna overthink it and that never goes well. (Ask any woman.)
I know that when you're stressed and feeling overwhelmed, it's easy to think about something good you used to have and pine for it. Sometimes, life is complicated, leading you to remember how good you used to have it. Sometimes, like with college, these things aren't in your life anymore because they can't be. (Both my college and parents made it pretty clear that once I was handed the diploma, I was no longer eligible to live in campus housing.) Other times, a person isn't in your life anymore because they shouldn't be. (See: ex.) Relationships end for a reason. Sure, some relationships find a better time or place for round two. It's usually in romantic comedies. (Usually a big letdown. Gross.)
However, it does happen! Sometimes people get back together. To figure out if this is wise, look at it this way. You know you miss that girl when you're feeling overwhelmed. But do you think about her when you're underwhelmed? Or just whelmed?**

Yeah, not quite the same answer, huh? She may have been familiar and comfortable, but it sounds like now it'd be a high maintenance, risky relationship. And then you'll be sending me more emails.
Do yourself, and me, a favor. Wait until your life and mindset calm down. When that happens, reevaluate this person. If you still miss her and think it's worth a shot, go from there. Don't make the classic mistake of acting under stress. Poor life choice.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


**Note: only possible in Europe.

Dear Bill Murray...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm a long time reader, and I've even written before (Bill Murray) about the dreamy boy from out west who sends the unmistakable signals despite being in a long distance relationship. So I'm writing again, because the aforementioned gentleman-friend and I hang out all the time and have a great friendship... and admittedly there's still definitely some flirting business going on on both sides. Recently, however, my dear darling roommate cornered him in a bar while they were both somewhat inebriated. She made an inappropriate comment about his incessant flirting, to which he replied, "Yeah it's harmless, you know... but I do have a girlfriend." ::long pause during which roommate makes another inappropriate drunken comment:: "Well if I weren't seeing my MidWestern Slut (read: his current girlfriend), things would probably have happened already with X (read: yours truly)." Bitter, what am I supposed to do with this information!?!? It's pretty much worse than not knowing. Like, consolation prize, I kinda dig you, but nothing's going to ever happen because I'd rather have a long-distance-thing with this chick I like to constantly fight over the phone with (because there totally is a ton of regular over-the-phone arguments). So there you have it, why in the world are boys so lame? And why the hell do they admit things (things that you can't do anything about) that just make you feel sort of dazed and confused?Sigh...
Madame X


Dear Bill Murray,
Ah, yes, I remember your question! (Readers: see question here.) I'm sorry to hear that you're still troubled by this boy.
It seems to be a truly male quality to admit to things that you can't actually do anything about but that inevitably change things. (See: "I used to like her!") I don't know why they do this. I think in some twisted boy way, they see it as doing you a favor. "I'm not rejecting you! I know girls hate rejection! But this isn't like that, because I'm not in a position to accept you, either. If I WAS, I would totally be into you! " (Thanks?) As much as I desperately want to blame them for this bizarre behavior, I really think it comes from somewhere good within. Boys know that women often suffer from What Did I Do Wrong Syndrome, and this is their way of helping us not fall prey to it.
What they don't take into account is that combating WDIDW Syndrome directly leads to What If Syndrome, sometimes known as What Could I Have Done Differently Syndrome. (One of the main causes of long late-night chats with your BFF.)

Essentially, men, there's just no pleasing us. If you're a boy we like, and we are not in some sort of relationship with you, we will be in some sort of agony, self-imposed or otherwise.

Anyway, Bill, it sounds like this guy is going to stick it out with MidWesternSlut until things fall apart at the seams. (They will.) You should just be flattered that someone digs you, realize that OF COURSE he was into you, for you are fabulous, and move on to search for an available boy who recognizes you as the goddess you are. Feel free to indulge in harmless flirting, if you can indeed flirt without getting your hopes up.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Irving Berlin...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Your reader demands that you'd better
Remember to answer her letters
Or she's forced to write tomes
Of ill-rhyming poems
To ensure that you won't forget her.

-- A girl from the Ritz


Dear Irving Berlin,
I hope that you can understand
Ignoring you wasn't my plan!
Alas, now I see---

I don't have time for this nonsense.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Risky Business...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

When I mentioned to my male friends that my roommate would be away for a few weeks, the first conclusion they came to (each independently) was "Awesome. That means you don't have to wear pants!" This had not occurred to me as a "benefit" of having no roommate. (My first thought was, "Ooo, I can play my guitar really loud.") I recall other conversations with many of these friends that have started, "So I got home, took my pants off..." and "I was walking around my kitchen in my boxers the other day..." and other phrases to the effect that clothes explode off their bodies as soon as they cross the threshold of their home. I've found this trend crosses the many boundaries of nationality, religion, politics, economics, you name it, however it seems to be confined to the male gender.

I have several questions for you, Bitter Amanda:

1) Why do men think the first and best perk about not having a roommate is that I can walk around pantsless?
2) Why do they hate pants? I mean, society puts so much emphasis on "wearing the pants", and they go pulling them off as soon as the door shuts behind them. (Hopefully they wait until the door shuts behind them...). Could this be symbolic? Are they throwing off the shackles of the patriarchy?
3) If it is symbolic-- or even if it isn't, I suppose-- do you think I could get more of them to wear kilts? That would be hot.

Thoughts?
Amelia Bloomer


Dear Risky Business,
Ah, men. How I adore this kind of information. Just when we, as women, think that we've learned all the bizarre twists and turns in a man's personality...this. They come out with something we haven't heard yet.
In this situation, I can merely speculate about their motives. (I trust that even if polled, the men themselves would have no more logical an answer than I do.) The desire to be sans pants might come from some primal, caveman-like urge deep inside. (For some, not so deep.) Often, when I'm around men in suits (which does not happen as frequently as I'd like) they complain about feeling constricted by their duds, pulling at ties like they were slowly tightening of their own accord to strangle a well-dressed man. (FYI, guys, the tie isn't trying to kill you. Suck it up.) I suspect that the suits are just the tip of the iceberg. From your experiences, I'm guessing that guys just don't like feeling held down. Particularly by textiles.
As for your query about symbolism...well, that's a different story. As much as I would like to think they are, indeed, rejecting the shackles of patriarchy, I suspect that's giving them too much credit. You know how guys complain about women reading into everything? Because at the heart of it, men are really saying what they mean? Well...I think they just like to walk around in their undies. It's a spectacular notion, a nod to solidarity and the end of male dominance. Alas, they don't quite have it in them. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Kilts are wonderful things. Let us appeal to the vain, show-offy side of men and let them know we simply adore a man in a kilt. Anything the ladies love will be tried by at least a few of them. Success by the few will inevitably lead to more sheep joining the herd. Best of luck.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Hillary...

Bitter Amanda,

I met a man who is almost perfect. Intelligent, nice butt, funny, steady job, really great ass, good with kids, goal oriented, no criminal history. A really great guy. Did I mention he has a fantastic hiney?

Only problem: He's a conservative Republican. And I am a pro-choice, anti-war, raise taxes on the wealthy, pro-gay marriage, environmentalist, tree hugging hippy, hard-core liberal Democrat. We don't see eye-to-eye on politics AT ALL.

We're not currently in a relationship... but would we have any chance of making a relationship work? Or would or polar-opposite political stances destroy any chance of romance we might have?

~Found Mr. "Too Far" Right


Dear Hillary,
What at timely letter! Well done, finding a man you can tolerate being around for more than a couple minutes. Already you're ahead of the game. I can see your concern, though. Those are some serious issues.
If you dated this guy, a lot of that wouldn't really impact your relationship directly. (Providing you avoided all political talk.) I mean, he might grab more paper napkins at the movies than you'd like, but it'd just be minor stuff. It might work. But if things got more serious, your political differences would definitely throw a wrench in even the most blissful of relationships. (Yes, even though he has a fantastic ass.)
But hey...you never know! If you really like him (/his ass) and are willing to give it a shot, see how things go. Maybe you can be a model for a bipartisan government working in harmony despite their differences! You could win a Nobel for this, or something.

Just to be safe, make sure to grope the bottom you so adore on the first date, just in case you don't get another chance.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Meg Ryan...

Bitter Amanda...

So, there is this angry-dude who is convinced his girlfriend is sleeping with my neighbor. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, I don't know and honestly don't really care. However, angry-dude enjoys showing up at all hours of the night, screaming "open the f&#!*ing door now!" while trying to body slam his way into the apartment. Usually, but the time I wake up and realize what the banging is, the angry-dude is wishing STD's upon everyone and storming off.

Either he is smart, and doesn't stay long enough for anyone to call the police, or pretty-boy neighbor is intelligent, refuses to open the door, and threatens to call the police if angry-dude doesn't go away.

I'm torn between calling the police and minding my own business. From the sounds of it, pretty-boy neighbor has no intention of confronting angry-dude and keeps the door closed and locked. He's also a fully grown man and hopefully capable of calling the police on his own if he thinks they are needed. However, I don't want angry-dude to show up one day and successfully break his way into pretty-boy's apartment - I'll feel horribly guilty if something happened and I did nothing. Then again, I don't want to get involved, and my neighbor should be old enough to deal with his own problems.

I'd also really like to get a good nights sleep. Angry-dude has sort of been interrupting it.

Thoughts?

Sleepless in a City That's Not Seattle


Dear Meg Ryan,
Classic male behavior. Childish and jealous and absolutely devoid of any consideration for anyone other than himself. And then he wonders why his girlfriend might move on to another man. Like I said, classic.
Setting aside any thoughts on your neighbor and what he should do (like, say, man up and talk to this guy?) let's focus on you. By my calculations, you have three options for dealing with this precious gem of a man. First choice is to talk to your neighbor. Tell him that you hate to butt in, but the little problem at his door every night is disrupting your life. Second option would be to call the police. Yeah, yeah...nobody likes to be That Person. But if you don't want to deal with your neighbor (or if he doesn't want to deal with you) it's perfectly legal to call and say there's a noise disturbance. Anonymously. (You can totally do that. Don't ask how I know.) Behind door number three? Maybe this unsavory gentleman is available!

Nope, I don't feel good about that. Stick to one or two.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda