Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have a new mission in life. My goal is to make all the happy couples in the world as bitter and jaded about relationships as I am. How would you recommend starting this monumental task?
~On a Quest
Dear Sir Thomas Moore,
Wow. I read your letter, and picturing the utopia you described brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful sentiment. I can’t even move past the visions of single, cynical, solitary little sugarplums dancing in my head to a symphony of bitterness. It’s like you read my mind and learned exactly what I imagine heaven to be. Minus the rivers of flowing hot fudge, anyway.
However, it is a massive undertaking. But I respect your ambition and you definitely have the right attitude! I think your best bet is to strike from a few different angles. Off the top of my head, I’m going to suggest recruiting help. Sure, St. Nicholas is the top guy, but would he be able to spread Christmas cheer without his helper elves? No, he would not. And you, St. Singleness, cannot send packages of bitterness down the chimneys of couples without some assistance. So get the word out there! (Might I suggest writing an advice column?...) After that, you could take my other advice.
Keep fighting the good fight!