Dear Paranoid...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I have a brand new coworker who sits in the cubicle across from mine. Lets call him "ThePimp". Mid twenties, tall, outgoing, the ladies find him attractive. Very, very attractive. Maybe its the fact we're an engineering firm, and most of the men around are nerdy, anti-social, old and balding. But every five minutes another administrative assistant is coming by to say hi, see if there's anything he needs, offer to show him around, flirt to the point I want to gag, etc. Its almost like one of those Axe commercials, where the guy puts on deodorant and suddenly women are all over him. The only reason my engineer coworkers aren't drooling over him is because they're mostly men. Or lesbians. The point is, if I hear another girl giggle flirtatiously I will kill someone. How do I get the ladies to stop dropping by "ThePimp's" office? Is there a spray that will turn the ladies away? For an Anti-Axe effect? Or do I need to set his cubicle on fire so he can find somewhere else to sit? What is a bitter engineer supposed to do?!
~Anti Social at Work


Dear Paranoid,
Overreacting, much? These young women are just trying to be helpful, I'm sure. I'm sure it has nothing to do with him being attractive and social, standing out in a building full of engineers. (Sorry, engineers, but I know lots of you. I speak from experience.) They did the same for you when you were new, didn't they?

No?

Oh. Whores. Here are your two options. It really depends on which side you're on; that of the pathetic women just trying to get a date, or that of your fellow engineer who can't help it if he's so beautiful that women just fall all over him. (Gag.) If it's the first, you could spread rumors about him. See my previous column here for some ideas. Then the ladies in the office won't be in such a rush to chat with him. OR, if you're on the other side of the fence, with him, then you're going to have to invoke some mean girl tactics. Start hanging out with him. Find out how he feels about the attention. If he's like, "I am so awesome and the ladies just love me and it's so cool grunting noise grahhh," then stop hanging out immediately and go back to the first option. However, if he's feeling trapped by perfume and giggles, you can bond. This will be the equivalent of you peeing in his cubicle--even in a non-romantic way, mark him as your territory.
I'm not sure why I keep referencing animal behavior. But thanks for noticing.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda