Dear Mysterious...

Dear BA,

You know, I realized something lately - a lot of the girls that browse and post on your blog might be the kind of girl I would like to meet. Would it be wrong to shamelessly promote myself on your blog as a single guy with mostly good qualities? If not:

Male
27
5'11ish
Brown hair/Brown eyes
Mostly white
Super smart, somewhat sensitive, low maintenance
Great kisser, athlete in bed
Downside - Can be shallow & plays video games

Ok, I laughed out loud while typing this, but I'm sending it to you anyway.

-Mr. E


Dear Mysterious,
I'm torn. My immediate reaction was to say yes, you are shameless. Then tear apart your dating resume. (What do you mean by "5'11ish"? Is that like "the last time I was measured by a medical professional it was 5'11" but you never know since that was a while ago"? Or more like, "Well strictly speaking I'm 5'6" but I carry myself with the confidence of a man taller than that"? And when you say you're an athlete in bed, I worry that this is rather vague. Are you getting at a whole team player, physical stamina thing? Or fiercely competitive? What sport are you talking about? Because some sports are kind of a one-man deal. Like luge. Those guys don't worry about anyone but numero uno. Is that the kind of sexual partner you are? I'm just trying to clear things up.) I mean, what kind of site do you think I'm running here? This isn't some dating pool, pal. I'm not particularly interested in hooking you up with one of my readers so you can be a Hallmark movie. (Or worse, a Lifetime movie.) Gross.
A tiny part of me considered allowing this and throwing you to the wolves. I figure there are plenty of women who are ready to be disappointed by a man when the relationship doesn't match Disney fairytale-levels of romance. You seem eager to fill the role, and at the very least you provided some honest (albeit questionable) commentary on yourself.
But then...I remember that I am not interested in setting a precedent around here. I'm not your meddling aunt flipping through my ancient Rolodex to find you a life partner. I sleep pretty well at night, and I'm afraid that would change if I encouraged this. Just like in relationships, I trust my gut when it comes to advice. Points for putting yourself out there, E, but this is a no-go on my end.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Sketchy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Two years ago I dated a girl that I met through a friend. It didn't work out and we stopped seeing each other after a few weeks. She however has infrequently texted me over once every few months in the last 6 months asking me to various events. The latest of which is a hockey game, watching hockey being an activity which I actually enjoy. Not wanting to turn it into a date, but also wanting to catch a game before the end of the season, our text conversation went like this.

her: you wouldn't happen to be a hockey fan would you? I've been wanting to catch an ice game. i don't know why. thought i'd ask
me: i go a few times a year. it's cheap and enjoyable
her: feel like going anytime soon?
me: i could fathom getting a group together
her: 26th would be good
me: let's invite the masses then
her: okay. i will attempt but might get a person
me: you know we have this facebook thing at our disposal. one of us should create an event and invite folk. i'll spearhead


It was late, but I didn't get a response. I wanted to get it across that I wasn't interested in having it be a date, but I'm worried that I left it too open. Let's be clear: I'm not interested - we already tried dating and it didn't work.

Sincerely,

Sketch


Dear Sketchy,
Yeahhhh...she wants to date you. Whatever you've done in the past to convey that you don't want to date her has not worked. Because she still wants to date you. She may have attempted casual there, but that's because she's not typing everything she's thinking. If she had, it might look a little like this: (additions in bold)

her: you wouldn't happen to be a hockey fan would you? I've stalked you on facebook and I know you are. I've been wanting to catch an ice game in hopes of showing you that we share many interests. i don't know why. thought i'd ask because I would like to spend some time with you and I'm confident you'll say yes to this activity.
me: i go a few times a year. it's cheap and enjoyable
her: feel like going anytime soon? Also our children would be really cute. I'm just saying.
me: i could fathom getting a group together
her: 26th would be good It would make a great anniversary for us. Nobody I know has a birthday or anniversary that day and it's not a holiday or anything.
me: let's invite the masses then
her: okay. Not really okay. i will attempt but might get a person I will probably ask two or three of my girlfriends who already have plans, hate hockey, and know that I want to be alone with you. I will not leave messages if they don't answer. I will call them on the 25th. Something tells me they will say no. Looks like it's just you and me!
me: you know we have this facebook thing at our disposal. one of us should create an event and invite folk. i'll spearhead

Do you see how that's not casual? It is very much to your benefit to make this a group outing. You'd like to be assured that she'll get the point and you'll be out of the woods, right?

I can't do that. (Let it be known that what I'm about to say is not something I feel good about. Like telling a child that coloring on the walls is totally fine just this once and expecting it to go well.) You have to be mean. Not a complete douchebag, mind you. But a little mean. Anything date-like will stand out as encouragement in her mind. It will be what she tells those girlfriends she "invited" to the game. It will be the story she imagines being told in her maid of honor's wedding toast. You have to be super-extra-without-a-doubt clear. And being mean? Is a great way to lose a woman's interest!

...Actually you may want to find a date for the game--either a real one or get someone to pretend. Do you have time to make up a fiancée or something? That'd really help.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Pointless...

Bitter Amanda,

I got dumped via text message at 7AM the day before Valentines Day.

Just venting. No advice needed. Since I'm never dating again.

Sincerely,

WhatsThePointofTryingWhenAllYouFindAreDouchebags


Dear Pointless,
Ouch. That is brutal. Every part of that sentence added to my considerable anger. If I had to make a "How Not to Break Up with Someone" checklist, those would all be near the top. You have to wonder what makes a person think, "Hey, here's the best way to let someone know I'm not interested anymore."
Obviously you don't need advice about the loser who dumped you. Anybody who behaves that way is pretty much devoid of desirable qualities. Let's face it--dating is way too much of a pain in the ass to be involved with someone less than awesome.
And as we've all noticed, there are PLENTY of people who are less than awesome. Many of them are, as you correctly assessed, straight-up douchebags.
Let's all stay away from the douchebags. Okay? It just gives our friends more to gossip about behind our backs.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Ebenezer Scrooge...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Why does Valentine's Day matter? And when did it become the new Christmas? Am I really expected to get my boyfriend, my mom, my dad, etc presents?

Sincerely,

Celebrationally Challenged


Dear Ebenezer Scrooge,
Valentine's Day doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things, Valentine's Day really ought to register as a mere blip and nothing more. A tiny snag in the tapestry of life. Or whatever.
However, anyone who has set foot in a Target recently (and by recently I mean since December 27th) knows that isn't true.
Some people try to pass Valentine's Day off as "a holiday for everybody! It's a celebration of love!" (Mom and Dad, I'm looking at you.) But we all know the emphasis is really more on Significant Others. Nobody in a jewelry commercial is handing their sister a diamond pendant. (...I really hope those aren't siblings, anyway.) It is a Romantic Holiday.
But! Then! Someone at Hallmark or Whitman's or another purveyor of glittery heart wares realized what they were missing! An untapped market! And so Valentine's Day went from a Hateful Romantic Holiday to Christmas Redux (But Mostly for Couples and Way Less Fun).
[I have no idea how it went, but I like to imagine it went a lot like that, and all the bigwigs were cold, unfeeling men twirling their sinister black moustaches as dollar signs flashed in their eyes like a cartoon.]
Yeah, you should probably do a present or card or something for your boyfriend. It's the done thing, I suppose. Blech. But parents? Absolutely not. I buy my parents presents for their birthdays and Christmas. Mother's Day and Father's Day also require gifts. And my parents' anniversary is the only one I remember and buy a card for. That is a lot of presents! I will not add Valentine's Day to that list--it's time to take a stand. Join me! (This year my parents will get a greeting of "Yeah, whatever," when they wish me a happy Valentine's Day. And they're lucky to get it!)
Let's keep Valentine's Day what it was meant to be--a detestable, lonely holiday where people get unnecessarily sentimental and nostalgic.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Lovebug...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Last week, I was asked out by an amazing guy. He's apparently been in love with me for almost 16 years, is one of the last few genuinely good people I know, and would make me the luckiest/happiest girl alive... if only I were the least bit attracted to him.

Now I know that these things can't be forced, but I also know how much rejections hurt. It's one of the greater tragedies of life that I keep falling for the wrong men, so I'm pretty experienced in that area. This guy deserves better. How do I let him down easy?

-- Loveless Monster


Dear Lovebug,
No. No no no no no. You can't force attraction! If you're positive it's not there, then it's not there. I'm guessing you've given it some thought and always wind up back at this same answer?
I'm sure he's a very nice guy. Actually, I'm not that sure. I'm 99% sure he's got Typical Male Behaviors lurking in him somewhere. However, I won't argue that with you right now. I'd hardly expect you to believe me on this, considering none of my friends ever do. (Ladies, stop asking what I think of your new boyfriend! I can only come up with so many neutral statements. "He is very tall!" "Wow, he was wearing red!" "He texts a lot.")
We'll go ahead and assume he's a real-life Lloyd Dobler, hoisting an ipod dock above his head to declare his feelings.
...Sure.
You're not Diane Court. Yeah, that sucks. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: You deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you. Don't be one of Those Girls and string him along until you've ruined him for the real Diane Court of his life.
You have to be the bad guy and just tell him. There's really no easy way to let someone down, if you think about it. It always comes back to "no." Take care of yourself first, and worry about his rejection second. (We all have to get used to it.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Crusher...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There is this boy I like. He smells good. And I've been getting mixed signals from him.

Turns out that when I met him he was single, but then shortly thereafter had a girlfriend. When he told me he had a girlfriend, it felt like an "I am interested in you... but I was waiting to see if this other thing would work out first."

FML. I rarely fall for people, and this is crushing my soul.

:-(

~Crushed and Crushing at the Same Time


Dear Crusher,
A boy who smells good is like a lily of the valley. You see a lily of the valley and it's this lovely little flower and it reminds you of your grandmother's garden and picking them to put in a juice glass to take home**. It's all very warm and fuzzy, right? But let me tell you a little something about lily of the valley: they're poisonous. You don't want to tangle with the lily of the valley; they are deceivers. (And by "tangle with" I mean eat. Just so you know.) It's a trap! You'll regret it.
Where was I? Oh, right. Men who smell good. That scent is there to attract you and make you feel the warm and fuzzies. (Blech.) But don't be fooled by this--it's another trap!! Sooner or later, they're going to start with the disappointment and bullshit.
Your man there, the one keeping his options open? His behavior is just...lame. It's not despicable, although you're totally justified in thinking really mean things about him and also his new girlfriend. He's just a clueless jerk who didn't think about anyone but himself. Predictable. He sucks, and you're better off.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda



**Shut up I never did that.

Dear Finders Keepers...

dear bitter amanda.

I'm pissed! But I'm not sure if I have cause to be, so since I've always enjoyed your blog I thought I'd ask for some advice of my own. I go to a relatively small college, and for my Psychology class I have been working closely with (what else) a boy who I think I like a lot. (And I don't normally like people, I suppose because I'm particular.)

Anyway we have spent the past few weeks working together which equals LOTS of working together time. One of the student observers (our school lets incoming students from the area or some underclassman sit in on classes and help if needed, particularly for students interested in teaching.) One of these students is a girl who I met last semester through some friends, who I always got along well with. However lately her and my partner (aforementioned "boy") have been talking a lot. Most of the times I'm there but more and more I've seen them talking and he's talking to me about their hanging out.

Our school is very small so everyone essentially knows everyone, and a lot of people have been talking about these two even though I'm pretty sure nothing has happened yet. The thing is that he and I are both seniors and she is (in my opinion) significantly younger - five years. It's not that I think she's immature or anything, just too young! Is it wrong of me to feel just a little bit entitled because he's my partner and we met first and I'm older and all? I don't know what to do! And what to do about my friendship with the girl? Her and I have never talked about it. I don't know if you've ever experienced anything like this but boy, am I just going crazy! Please, Help!!!!


Dear Finders Keepers,
Ok. I know you wrote me really hoping that I'd side with you and call her a skank and get all "you go girl" on you. But that's just not going to happen. Here's why:
1. I never get all "you go girl."
2. You only mention hanging out with him in academic settings. This...is not dating, in any sense of the word.
3. You never talked about it with the other girl. She probably has no idea how you feel, so you can't blame her for trying. (This entire reply would be different if you'd talked to her about this boy. In that case, I would definitely have called her a skank and I might have encouraged you to cut a bitch. I'm a big advocate of girls not stealing a friend's man. But, alas, that was not the case.)
4. Since you don't talk about him with other people, I am guessing you haven't talked about it with HIM. And on that note, you're probably not trying...I'm guessing there hasn't been any strategic hair flipping or sending yourself flowers and candy so he'll see how desirable you are? (Deduct points from your life total if you don't know what that's from.) Boys are totally oblivious; you have to make it SUPER OBVIOUS that you like them like them.
5. You said yourself that you're not even sure you like him.
I don't even know what to do with that! It sounds to me like you're upset this girl did what you didn't/couldn't do. She made a move and it's sort of working, at least from what I can tell. And that sucks. For you, it sucks bigtime.
However, I'm totally with you on her being too young. An incoming student? Assuming everyone involved is a traditional aged student, then he needs to grow up because that means she's still in high school. (I've written about that before; check here.)
Are you allowed to feel a little territorial? Sure, I can't hold that against you. I've been in your position before. (It sucked. I hated it. A lot. Let's move on.) But the Girl Scout didn't really break any Girl Rules and so it's out of my hands.
Not to be all maternal here, but maybe you learn from this one. Boys are really more like life experiences anyway. Until you like a boy enough to admit that you like him, he's not really worth your time. (They so rarely are; they frequently suck at life.) Next time, trick him into asking you out before another girl does.
Chin up, buttercup, because he'll realize soon enough that he's not interested in taking her to the senior prom and that'll be over. Maybe then you make a move. Or just sit back and laugh. Your call.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Elijah Wood...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

In regard to your last letter, I have a few bones to pick:

What's the big deal about ballroom dancing? For that matter, what's wrong with doing it on a Tuesday? I've ballroom-danced on a Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday and many other days of the week. In fact, the majority of the last weekend was spent ballroom dancing.

Perhaps you mean to imply that ballroom dancing is automatically super-date-like. All romance and roses. Au contraire. It's more akin to playing one-on-one basketball: two sweaty people moving around with a purpose, showing off, and attempting not to accidentally injure the other one during a collision.

Additionally, I will have you know that ballroom dancing is just as prone to "am I on a date?" syndrome as any other activity, including dinner and coffee or a hot cocoa rendez-vous, if not more so. While some of the evening may in fact be spent moving about the floor plastered to the chest the person you arrived with, you will still probably dance with many other people in the room. Conversely, when you have hot cocoa, usually the person sitting at the table won't get up and be replaced by some other guy plopping a candy cane in your drink. (That is not a double entendre, fyi.)

(Mon Dieu, there is a lot of French in this letter.)

So, perhaps your "no ballroom dancing" suggestion for "coo-coo for cocoa-boy" is a good one, but not for the reasons you seem to imply. In conclusion: ballroom dancing is a good activity for not being able to determine if you are on a date or not on a Tuesday. Or a weekend, for that matter. I know, because I've lived.

-Happy Feet


Dear Elijah Wood,
Wow, you are really into ballroom dancing.
There's nothing wrong with that. On the contrary, I think ballroom dancing could be great. (I myself am not blessed in the coordination department, so dancing is largely out of my scope of knowledge. Reading your assessment, though, I like that it sounds less romantic and more gross. I could get behind that.) But you chose to zero in on that one phrase in my response, rather than take it all in. In that, you've missed my point, I fear.
My point was not that ballroom dancing has to be super formal or inherently date-like. However, to the untrained boy, that is the kind of activity that screams "SUPER FORMAL" and "TUXEDO" and your average boy will freak out a little--particularly if, like my other reader, you only see him during the week. Should he pick you up in a pumpkin carriage and wear a tie? Will the lady be expecting a fairy tale evening? Should there be flowers involved? This is starting to sound like a senior prom--it's too much to take!
The goal is to pick something non-threatening because you want him to decide whether or not he'd like to hang out with you--not whether or not he'd like to learn a waltz. If you happen to be interested in a boy with whom you have ballroom danced in the past, then by all means throw it out there. But for a study/cocoa break boy, I'd suggest something more in line with what you usually get up to.
While I've got you here, penguin, it sounds like you've got some unresolved issues regarding dancing with boys. Wanna talk about it?
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Wednesday...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I have a story (not to mention a question) about a boy who I see in class twice a week and with whom I seem to have fallen into a routine: goof off in class and then exchange witty banter and loiter outside or in the library afterwards for hours at a time. Into this mix we’ve recently added late-night-cocoa-study-breaks, a downtown trip that lasted until 3am, burritos for dinner, lunch and studying, as well as additional hours of outdoor chatter. Don’t get me wrong, my dear bitter lady, I’m not complaining about any of this; I have, in fact, been having an inordinate amount of fun with my chatty fellow and what could potentially be flirting and what might even be called – dare I say it? – “dating.” That being said, the Thursday-to-Tuesday period without any word from the boy has become nearly unbearable. I am by no means a game-player, but the ball at the moment I clearly in his court. The waiting is driving me batty! Any advice?
Fondly,
Nearly off her rocker


Dear Wednesday,
Ouch. It seems to me that you're a work-week girlfriend. I actually felt nauseous while reading about your relationship with this boy. I mean, late-night cocoa dates? That's adorable. And awful. You are grossing me out. And then I got to the part about you not hearing from him all weekend. And that is not adorable at all; thus I do not want to throw up. This is usually a bad sign for relationships. Honey, weekends are prime dating time. If this man wanted to properly date you, you'd at least hear from him during the weekends. (And let's not forget that it's time to push proper dating. No more of this casual "hanging out" nonsense.) As it stands, you've got a weekday boyfriend. It could mean a lot of things. He might have a legit girlfriend/someone he sleeps with on weekends. Like the pill containers my grandmother used to have, he's keeping you closed tightly in that safe Wednesday compartment. Or he might not realize how similar to dating your situation has become. Maybe he's one of those "I'm not looking for anything, but I like hanging out casually" guys (=sad)...and he unknowingly found something. (And SERIOUSLY stop favoring that casual hang out, gentlemen.) Maybe he has no interest in dating you for real. (That one hurts, I know, but it's possible. I tell you this because you so clearly deserve better.)
All of these options really boil down to him being an idiot. (A common theme.) The wildcard is whether he's a clueless idiot or a conniving one. You might have to lay down the weekend card and watch his reaction. (I'm sorry about the multiple 'card' references here; I don't feel any better about it than you do.) Bring up some social thing for Saturday. Not ballroom dancing or anything, but something you'd actually do together, say, after studying on a Tuesday. If he squirms and mumbles something about an appointment and suddenly gets a text message and/or something in his eye he needs to take care of, then it's time to put those hopes back in your bag where they belong. But let's just hope he reacts like a normal human being.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Carousel...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Balls.

This dating thing sucks balls. I'm nervous all of the time. Self-conscious. Giddy. Unsure. Self-doubting. Questioning. And awesomely happy. And then all kinds of confused. And depressed. And super excited. Up and down more times than an EKG.

I think I might throw up.

Remind me not to do it again.

Thanks.

Kisses,
Entirely Bipolar


Dear Carousel,
Gross. I'm going to throw up. This was not the kind of letter I anticipated. I thought you were angry. But you're not! You mention some negative emotions, all of which can and should be associated with dating. But...I don't sense any real anger here. I think you're just upset because a good date sends people into emotional turmoil! And that means you had a good date.
So. Do you know what that means, princess? Shut up. I bet you're feeling insecure because he hasn't called in the 46.2 hours since you saw him. You think he had a bad time. But then you review it mentally...and that's just not possible! It was a great date! Why hasn't he called? Oh, because he doesn't want to seem eager and freak you out because he had a great time, too!
Gag. Really, this is disgusting.
I WILL caution you against doing this again! I'll warn everyone! I'm like U2 over here throwing out the warnings! But you won't listen. You'll listen to me until he calls you and you have some nauseating exchange and make plans for coffee tomorrow afternoon. Blech.
I'm disappointed.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Visible...

Bitter Amanda,

This is a follow-up to Legally Blind's question.

What if you are the girl who is: interested in the boy, talking to him more than anyone else around, texting him, making sure we're facebook friends, making sure he notices me, making sure he knows I'm free on the weekend and have the same interests he does, and making it completely obvious to everyone else around that I'm interested.

And the dumbass is completely clueless and doesn't pick up on the signals?

What can I do besides give him a lapdance so that the 'oh hey, she likes me!' lightbulb goes off in his brain?

Seriously.

-Invisible


Dear Visible,
You know that old saying about horses? "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." You do everything in your power to make something happen, but in the end, the horse has to decide to man up and take a freaking drink.

You see where I'm headed here? Honestly, I'm at a loss. We lead them right to the water, make sure it's a suitable temperature, assure them that drinking it is a Good Life Choice, and put a twisty straw in it--but we cannot make them actually take a drink. Mind boggling, no? There is, of course, the option of you asking him out. That's up to you--it's a personal choice we all have to make.

I'm sorry. That's not something you wanted to hear, but it's not my job to hold your hand and sugarcoat things. It's a tough world out there.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Additionally...

Readers: It occurred to me that I made a grave error in my previous letter, from Legally Blind. Please consider this a belated PS.

Dear Cher,
Ok, so I forgot who I was talking to--a clueless man. I don't know how that happened. (Wishful thinking?) I guess I figured you'd extrapolate from what I wrote--apologies. I stand behind every word I wrote to you. However, I forgot one tiny, but significant, detail in my advice for you.

If you notice any of these signs, or even think you do, and you're likewise interested in that lady, then by all means make a move. I know, rejection is a bitch. I feel marginally bad because it's a terrible (for you) double standard that you should be the ones putting yourselves out there while we wave the Magic Wand or Rejection or Approval. But it's better than ignoring the signs altogether!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Cher...

Dear BA,

This is life, I'm totally clueless how to stop a girl who is interested in me. All my successes in the past have been been blind luck. You're a girl, right? What are the top ten signs a girl would give a guy to let him know, covertly, she is interested in him. You know. The signs that all guys probably miss 9 out of 10 times.

- Legally Blind


Dear Cher,
Ok...so you might be totally clueless on girls, but I'm totally clueless on how to answer your letter. I'm not sure if it's a typo or if you just don't know what you want--either way, I wouldn't be terribly surprised. I've had to read this a couple times. And...well, I'm still not entirely certain if I should tell you how to STOP a girl who is interested or how to SPOT a girl who is interested. The rest of your letter indicates that it's the latter. So...I'm gonna go with that. Oh, and thanks for noticing that I'm a girl. Well done, sir.
Covertly, you say? As if the things women have to do are at all subtle! We tried subtle, a hundred years ago, but you guys kept missing it and thinking we had something in our eye. We had to step it up. A lot. You say your past successes were blind luck? No. They. Weren't. You were successful because the woman involved was successful. Guys, honestly...it's like you're waiting for a lapdance to know we're attracted to you! (Hint: do not hold your breath on that one.) You're looking for a checklist; for me to do the work for you. Not likely, my friend. It's not like that--and also, there are some things I just can't divulge. A girl has to have some tricks up her sleeve.
The main thing you need to know in this situation is that women emphasize that it's YOU we're interested in. We talk to you more than anyone else around, we text you, we want to know about your life. We make sure we're facebook friends. We remember things you've talked about, we position ourselves near you. We have to exaggerate everything so you'll notice! In the end, we all but end up asking ourselves out. (Because we told you we were dying to see that movie we talked about and we let you know that we don't work on Saturdays.) If you think a woman might be doing something intentionally, or playing some sort of game, she probably is. We're very good at this. Don't worry, just keep your eyes open and don't overthink it. That's our job.

Remember, kids: spell check doesn't catch real words. Let's proofread.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Single Lady...

Bitter Amanda,

Seriously, am I the only one offended by Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies"? What pisses me off about the song is this phrase "if you liked it than you should have put a ring on it."

Dear Beyonce: you are a person, not an object that people can just add pretty decorations to. Please refer to yourself as "I" or "me" and not "it". Lets change that phrase to "if you liked me, than you should have given me a ring."

Don't even get me started on the part where she says "Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own." You are not an object to be owned!!

Its hard enough when men go around objectifying women, but here we have a woman objectifying herself. Millions of people listen to your music, and this is the message you're giving them!?! It hurts my soul.

BitterAmanda, how do we convince Beyonce she's sending out shitty messages to young people about the way women should be treated?

Really Irritated in CT


Dear Single Lady,
You have some excellent points. And bonus points were awarded for your letter because I felt your anger! I can't believe how irresponsible some celebrities are regarding the public image they present to young people--young women in particular. I don't think we need to shelter young people, but I think everyone needs to realize what an impact we as a society have on them.
This song has bothered me since Beyonce released it. (Beyonce, this song is great for dancing--why can't you use your powers for good??) To be honest, though, my reason is different from yours. This song was Beyonce trying to record the new Anthem for Single Ladies. She wanted us to have a slumber party and be angry together and I don't know, eat raw cookie dough? Whatever. She wanted to be the figurehead for our new Campaign Against Clueless Men. While normally I can totally get behind the idea, Beyonce seemed to forget one thing:
Her very public relationship with Jay-Z. She's been dating him for years! They got married in April 2008--6 months before she released "Single Ladies." Um, Beyonce? You can't lead the Angry Single Ladies Parade if your husband will be marching next to you. It doesn't feel genuine! It must be easy to say, "hey, guys, you have to treat us better or you can forget it" when you've got a man at home who loves you.
Did you ever talk to an adult when you were in your awkward adolescent phase and hear them tell you it'll get better? That you'll be out of the woods soon? Do you remember that sounding like bullshit in your young ears? Like, "Sure, it's easy for you to say...you've done it. You're living the good life now!"
It's kind of like that. You mean well, but let's be honest...it rings of bullshit.

I'm not sure what we can do about Beyonce--I don't think she reads my website. (She should.) In the meantime, please enjoy this clip which makes me feel 100% better about Beyonce's song.




Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bono...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

If a woman needs a man, then a fish needs a bicycle.

P --> Q

If P then Q. P is "a woman needs a man" and Q is "a fish needs a bicycle". Let's break it down. Let's say the fish does not need a bicycle. Q = false. I'll even throw in P = false, women don't need men. So, F --> F = a True statement. Fine. Now, it's been discussed that a woman would like to have a bicycle or a handbag (need), just to have around for it's usefulness when the time comes. P = True, but the poor fish doesn't need that bike so Q = False. T --> F That statement becomes False and therefore, a woman does not need a man even if she says she wants one around for the hell of it simply because that fish does not need a bike. Now, Let's say a fish could use a bicycle and needed it, but the woman still doesn't need a man. F --> T. It's a false statement, the woman is a wrong because if a fish needs a bicycle, then a woman needs a man! Finally, let's say both P and Q are True, then the entire statement is true! So our table looks a little like this:

P --> Q
T -- No man, no fish bike
T -- Woman needs a man but can't have it on the condition that a fish does not need a bike.
F -- A woman does not need a man but a fish needs a bike, and therefore a woman has to have a man because the fish needs a bike.
T -- A woman needs a man and a fish needs a bicycle.

And so it would seem that a lack of fish bicycles is preventing women from needing men. Who would have thought? In our table, as long as there are no fish bikes, there's no need for men AND without fish bikes no woman could ever need a man even if she WANTED to need a man. BUT, 3/4 of the time according to that table... a woman needs a man either because a fish needs a bike, needs a man only because a fish needs a bike, or she simply needs a man but can't have one because a fish does not yet need the bike. Allow me to fastforward.

(T --> T) /\ (F --> T)
T /\ T = True

A woman needs a man so someone should invent a fish bicycle.


Dear Bono,
...

Wow. Congratulations on passing Logic 101 at your local university. You've definitely pulled out the most germane parts of my previous advice. A fish bicycle is absolutely the solution.

Are you kidding me here? This is preposterous.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Awkward Turtle...

Bitter Amanda,

I like a boy. I think he likes me back. The problem is we are both socially awkward engineers, and we are both too much of a pansy to do anything about it.

Help! What do I do?!

Certified Socially Awkward Nerd


Dear Awkward Turtle,
This is a well-timed letter. I was just last night having a discussion with my partner-in-crime about taking initiative in relationships. The vast majority of women fall into one of thee categories: 1.) Take the lead or take a hike, 2.) I'm an independent woman and I'll handle this myself, thanks, and 3.) Let's just take turns on that because we all know it's tough.
I think it's important for both people to take initiative, although I'm not ashamed to admit that I (like many women) like feeling as though I'm being pursued. (You're an engineer, so let me give you some numbers to work with: I think 60/40 or 70/30 is preferable to 50/50.)
During our discussion, we stumbled upon the idea that your first serious or important relationship really sets the tone for your expectations. As a result, it's not always fair to the people waiting in our future.
However, you've got a smitten engineer on your hands. Back to work, hm?
Usually I'm a big proponent of a man locating his testicles and putting them to good use. But you're dealing with a shy engineer, and they're a difficult breed. Like an abused puppy in the shelter, you have to be careful about your approach. If they come up to you and don't get super positive feedback, they back off. If you approach too quickly, they spook. They won't try too many times if they're feeling rejected.
I think it's time for you to make a perfectly clear move and let him know you're interested.
Good luck!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bridezilla...

Bitter Amanda,

I'm tired of dating. I want to get married. I've tried everything to convince my man to pop the question.

I left magazines scattered around, open to giant, full-page ads for diamond rings. I hummed "Every kiss belongs to Kay" and every other jewelry store jingle I could think of. I tried to work jewel-related metaphors into every possible conversation: "I wish my hair were PLATINUM." "My cousin's favorite reptile is the DIAMONDback rattlesnake." It didn't work. So I tried reasoning with him: "Look, neither of us are getting any younger, let's just get married;" and I showed him a bunch of spreadsheets proving how much money we could save by living together. He looked at me like I was crazy.

So when all those plans failed, I went the passive-aggressive route: When he asked what I wanted for Christmas I told him "I want to die alone, in my parents' basement, covered in cat hair". He's still not getting the picture.

Is it illegal to drug him and elope while he's high as a kite?

~Waiting Impatiently


Dear Bridezilla,
Well, I can't be sure on the legality of your plan, since each state might have different-- ARE YOU INSANE? You need to tone it down and chill the hell out or you will die alone in your parents' basement, covered in cat hair.
Dating sucks. It's a pain in the ass until you actually have a decent date. I don't blame you for wanting to move on. (But marriage? Really? What, is that shit contagious? Everyone's getting married these days. No thank you.) Here's the problem I'm noticing with your relationship: your boyfriend doesn't want the same thing.
Either he's one of those perennial bachelors who "just doesn't see the point of it" (=fine now but sad in five years) or he doesn't want to marry you. This next thing I'm going to tell you, it could be the thesis of my opinions on relationships.

You deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you.

That could be said in most of the letters I answer. If someone leaves you or treats you badly, well fine. You're too awesome for them. Any disgusting toad who doesn't see that does not deserve you. You eat some ice cream, watch sad movies, cry on the couch, go out and say angry things with your friends--whatever works for you. Then you move on because someone more awesome who will appreciate you is out there. They're elusive, sure, but you can handle the challenge. Me? I'd rather be single than settle.

That being said, I will award points for your varied methods. I like the creativity! But you failed and that's why I'm here. I stand by my advice of moving on. And calming down about the wedding. ...And toning down the crazy, at least a couple notches.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Elementary...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm beginning to suspect that he might actually be an asshole after all... damn...

Sherlock Holmes


Dear Elementary,
No shit. Of course he is. I'm not sure who you're talking about or what made you think he WASN'T an asshole, but they usually turn out that way. Better to move on.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Toxic...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Recently there has been some discussion in the news about how smelly farts can help regulate one's blood pressure. Some stupid-ass study showed that the chemical that causes smelly farts relaxed blood vessels in mice, and scientists think it serves the same function in people. Well, this has led my boyfriend to the conclusion its appropriate to let one rip at any given time. "Its healthy!" he says. What he doesn't realize if he continues this behaviour, I might have to kill him. It would be easy to make it look like an accident; "Why, officer, I didn't realize lighting a match in his presence would cause all the toxic fart gas to combust..." Is there a way to curb his 'healthy' behaviour without ending the relationship or ending up in jail?

The Gas Mask is my Friend


Dear Toxic,
I have been writing and dispensing advice for 3 years now, and I believe this is the first farting question I've had! I'm almost surprised, since many readers write to me about man troubles...and we all know there is some sort of connection there. Every day brings new surprises, readers.
Now, as for your boyfriend woes. Why do scientists do this?? It's as if no one looks over these studies before they're published to say, "Hey, this might backfire." Ohhh, no. Not if it's in the name of science! They're all in the lab, chuckling over their newest discovery, saying, "This idea has no flaws! It cannot go badly at all!"
Enter you, with your smelly boyfriend thinking he's doing the world a favor. Typical. You could do something decidedly underhanded and female, like talking to a doctor--your personal doctor might have issue with it, but maybe you have a friend with a medical degree? Or one who has started medical school? Or someone with a white lab coat and messy handwriting? Perhaps you have a friend with questionable ethics who once played Operation and feels that qualifies them to spout medical advice? Have your doctor or pseudo stand-in doctor prattle on about your blood pressure being TOO low, as a result of being TOO relaxed. Sort of, "Wow, darling, your disgusting farts were SO EFFECTIVE! Way to go! Now please stop before I die."
If this seems too soap opera for you (well...teen soap opera, really...it's not that dastardly) you have two additional choices. One is to put all your cards on the table and flat out tell him you're offended. The other is...well, it's gross. But if he's taken a casual view of farting in front of you, you might as well reciprocate. Challenge his notion that women don't emit any foul-smelling odors. Let him know that if he's going to ignore certain (perhaps antiquated, but appreciated by many) male/female standards, you will too. He'll soon see the error in his ways.

Hopefully.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Jessica Fletcher...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm in need of some guidelines. How do I tell if I'm on a date or not? Is there a checklist you could provide me with? I'm trying to figure out if people just enjoy buying me beer lately or if there is something else going on here.
Thanks,
Not Opposed to Free Beer, Just Curious


Dear Jessica Fletcher,
"Is this a date?" is truly one of the most enigmatic issues plaguing the minds of single women. (At least, all the single women I know. FYI, this number is decreasing at an alarming pace.) If you find yourself in this situation, take our your mental magnifying glass and Sherlock pipe, because you are trying to solve a mystery. But what are the clues you're looking for? I'll try for a comprehensive list, ladies.

Bitter Amanda's Guide to "Is This a Date?"**
1. Did he pick you up? (N/A if your area favors public transportation)
2. Does he smell nice? (If he's a friend, does he smell BETTER than usual?)
3. Did he bring you a trinket of some sort? (flowers, etc.)
4. Does he open your car door for you or hold other doors?
5. Does he pay?
5a. If you offer to pay, does he still pay?
6. If you're somewhere with a bar, does he go to fetch your drinks?
7. Have there been any compliments?
8. Are you both engaged in the conversation?
9. If things seemed to go well, does he suggest seeing each other again?
9a. In conversation, does he ever drop comments about doing something in the future?
10. This one is tricky, since it's not specific. It's hugely important, though. Are you getting a general vibe of attentiveness from your companion?

If you said yes to most of these, it's probably a date. If you said no, then either he does not consider it a date, or you're having a really bad date.

Clear Signs You're NOT On a Date (Or Having a Really Really Bad Date and Should Sneak Out ASAP.)
1. He answers phone calls and texts that aren't important or time-sensitive. (See: "Hey man, what's up?")
2. He openly ogles or flirts with your waitress or other women nearby.
3. He talks about other women.
4. He is totally uninterested in you.
5. Your conversation is basically you asking him questions about himself because he isn't actively participating.
6. You'd very much like to drive a fork into your eye or fake a heart attack for an excuse to go home. This is also why it's wise, ladies, to have a friend ready to call you at a certain time, in case you need to fake an emergency. In the case of blind dates, have several appointed times. For internet dates who come without the personal endorsement of someone you trust, double security measures and have a couple calls, texts at regular intervals, and a friend on standby to come get you. However, you should have driven yourself if at all possible. Kids, this is how people end up on the news.

Things change slightly if you're with someone you are already friends with. In this case, you've got a good opportunity to compare his normal behavior to his behavior on your Is This a Date? outing. Lucky you, you can also compare and contrast his grooming and wardrobe for further hints. I have also left out anything about him getting fresh with you. These are not necessarily helpful. I've had great first dates where the gentleman did not attempt to kiss me, and I've kissed gentlemen whom I was not dating. It's something you should analyze on a case-by-case basis, keeping in mind you and the boy. I can't include it on my checklist, or I'd have to re-evaluate all my past dates. I don't have time for that. It is, mind you, a great Date Signal if there is physical contact, no matter how subtle it may be. (Consider that Bonus Item #11, courtesy of Mellow Matt, who was rather helpful in providing a male perspective.)
Hope this helps!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS--If you're still confused, check his twitter when you get home. Clues!





**If your companion is a man.