Dear Jumpsuit Barbie...

Dear Bitter Amanda, 

I just got spam from a designer clothes outlet informing me that jumpsuits are a fashionable trend on the horizon. IN WHAT UNIVERSE?!? 

Sincerely, 
Enraged Fashionista


Dear Jumpsuit Barbie,

Not even worried. It was in your spam folder, right? Have you ever read any of those messages? They're full of random words and phrases in hopes that something will seem legit and trick you into opening it. It honestly looks like two toddlers had a conversation in another language, while another toddler took the minutes, then popped it into google translate. 

There's a reason this email went to your spam folder. It's nonsense. Rest easy, fashionista. 

HOWEVER, on the off chance that this email is legit and jumpsuits are trending...well, I consider my onesie a jumpsuit. Fashion trend for spring: comfort. 

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Daydream Believer...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I don't know if you interpret dreams on a regular basis, but I had a strange one I'd like to get your opinion on.  In it, I ran into two guys I used to know; one from high school, one from a job.  I wasn't really close with either of them, and I don't even think they ever met each other in real life.  But in the dream, they are both fighting for my attention. It was like they were trying to determine "alpha male" with me as some sort of prize.  At one point in   the dream the tension between them was so thick I went to the bathroom not to pee, but to get away from them. (Random side note: I got lost on the way to the bathroom, which was on the other side of a field and more like a large outhouse with a bunch of women changing into bathing suits even though it was late, cold, and nowhere around to swim.)

But why are guys I haven't seen in years popping up in my dream? I wasn't close to them, wasn't attracted to them, and don't speak to them anymore. And could the fighting for my attention symbolize something else that's going on in real life (because guys fighting over me isn't exactly happening in the real world.)  And I'm a feminist, why wasn't I upset in the dream when I was being objectified and fought over like a trophy?  Is my subconscious trying to tell me something, or am I trying to read too much into this?

Thoughts?

~Confused Dreamer


Dear Daydream Believer,
Ok, so I'm going to confess a few things here. One, I sometimes read my horoscope. Two, I've been to see a psychic...twice. And three, I probably still have the dream dictionary I got at the book fair in middle school. 

But I am not touching your dream. After all, all that weird shit happened in your head. This is about your perspective. When it comes to dreams, even the internet can't agree on things--I did a google search on the meaning of a dream about teeth falling out--a common theme, apparently. Some people say it's anxiety, other that it's about losing something important. Freud, of course, says it's about sexual repression--we get it, Freud. So you see what I'm saying? It's not exact. 

So this is on you, Dreamer. You can think about your dream and try to stumble onto some personal meaning. Or you can chill the fuck out, because yeah, you're probably reading way too much into this. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Calamity Jane...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

My grandmother once told me, "You can fall in love with a rich man just as easily as with a poor man." What are your thoughts on this? Or, how about this hypothetical: Say that you, Bitter Amanda, know two kind/smart/reasonably attractive men. Actually, first, let's pretend you are in a Disney movie. (This will make the rest of this scenario more reasonable. If you can call it that.) Now lets say you know two fine dudes. Mr. A, and Mr. B. Let's assume you have a good rapport with both-- you can goof off with each of them, share personal stuff without feeling too awkward, etc. In short, they both embody all the traits of a really really good friend, which is, obviously, important in a mate. By some Disney-fied twist of fate, they both propose to you. (Because the goal of most Disney movies is to marry off the leading lady. We will skip commentary on that for the time being.)

Consider the following: Mr. A gives you butterflies in your stomach every time you see him, but the money situation is spotty. Maybe he's a musician or an activist or something awesomely hip and idealistic. Spending time with him always feels like fireworks and flying, but you've been watching a lot of Discovery Channel and know that 90% of the time, that 'whee!' feeling wears off in 5 years, at which point you may still be renting the basement from your parents. Still, he's got all those other qualities mentioned above, and right now it's super exciting. Mr. B, you totally have a great time with, but he's not as super hot as the other guy. He's got a pretty sweet job, and can take care of himself, and you're definitely attracted, but you aren't tripping over chairs or dropping tea on your shirt like you are with Mr A. Mr B is just sweet, comfortable and caring, and also he occasionally pays for your cocktails.

Who do you pick? Do you think there's a stigma of picking one over the other? If the genders were reversed, would your answer be different?

--Conundrum Sam

Dear Calamity Jane,

Let's start thinking of ourselves as badass ladies, hm? (Forget the part where calamity means disaster.) 

Sure, we could pretend this is a Disney movie where you're the leading lady and I'm the talking tree/fairy godmother/teapot who gives you advice. But if this happened to be a Disney movie, and not your life, one of these guys would inevitably reveal himself as a villain out to get your father's fortune and kingdom. (We would also have some catchy songs and fun animal sidekicks, but that's not important right now.) This isn't a Disney movie. Sorry. I don't sing. Your grandmother wasn't wrong, but she also gave you advice from a different era. 

You raise some very practical questions, and a certain amount of that is expected and healthy. You want to go into a marriage with you eyes wide open on the financial stuff. That being said, I have a question for you: 
Why do you have to marry one of these guys? 
Why can't you just date one and decide if you can tolerate his bullshit on a daily basis? At some point you'll have to choose between them--and it sounds like you're at that point--but choosing one doesn't mean you have to marry him. Life isn't all about money--yes it's important and yes life is easier if you can pay your bills--but it's not everything. Go with the guy who annoys you less. Find a man who puts the toilet seat down and doesn't lie to you. (GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.) See how things go.

Is there a stigma attached? I don't know. In my experience, your life choices will usually be the source of gossip somewhere--no matter what decision you make. Gossipy bitches will always find something to hate. You can't worry about that. You do you. 

For the record, my answer wouldn't change if any of the genders in this scenario were different. Unless it was my gender, which brings up all kinds of what if questions about the course of my life leading me to write advice on the internet.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Nancy Archer...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I recently had an interesting conversation with a male friend of mine on the subject of height in dating. He's slightly below average height, but has no qualms about asking out taller ladies. He mentioned that he thinks it's annoying when guys have strict physical requirements for women, and that he doesn't like it when they are all about, to quote, "tits and ass". He thinks that female-imposed height requirements are the male equivalent. My first question is, with you being a tallish lady, what do you think of this analogy?

Also, being a tallish lady, do you find yourself basically invisible to men within +/- 2 inches of your height? I mentioned to my friend I'm usually I'm approached by men quite a bit shorter than I am, and very occasionally by men well over 6 ft. Anyone close to my height is basically oblivious to my charms. I wondered to my friend why this was, but he didn't know, because, in his experience, people seemed surprised when he asked out women taller than he is. Any thoughts on my scenario? Or his, in fact?

And now for the kicker: Given these two perspectives, who do you think is more hung up on height in a relationship (in general society), men or women? And why do you think that is? This is of great sociological importance! You now have the opportunity to weigh in on this pressing issue.

-The Big Friendly Giantess


Dear Nancy Archer,
Ugh, it is crazy how much we all care about height in dating. Here's the thing: we're ALL hung up on it. And we can't do much about it! Let's make some sweeping generalizations, shall we?

You're right--I am a tallish lady. Men my height are generally considered average height, but for a woman I'm on the tall side. I also happen to like wearing tall shoes from time to time. If you were to ask if I like tall men, then my answer is yes. (I can't even lie to you--I started humming Baby Got Back and changing the words in my head to be about tall men and now I'm not sure I respect myself anymore.) Do I exclusively like tall men? Not even close.

It's not a terrible analogy from your friend. However, I think it's only half done. Sure, there are guys who are all about tits and ass--but there are also women who are all about a sixpack and well-toned biceps. And yes, short is a dealbreaker for some women. Body type and height are separate things we look for in a partner. That being said, I think your average height friend is too forgiving of his average height brethren. I was going to make some animal kingdom comparisons using a rainforest example, but I realized I was mixing up animal habitats and I don't feel like googling for accuracy. For the record, my forest floor/treeline/above the canopy deal was going to dazzle you. But life is full of heartache, so you'll have to deal with some personal observations instead. 

Nancy, of all the people I've met, the people with the biggest hangups regarding height are medium height guys. Hands down they are the most sensitive to a tall woman. From my observations, tall guys hardly notice if you're wearing heels, and short guys definitely notice but don't care because you're already taller than them. But medium height guys care. I've had medium height guys get pissy with me and ask if I have to wear heels. (My answer is always yes because I am not about to spend the rest of my life--and that includes this evening--wearing flats just for some guy.) This medium height angst is probably why people are surprised by your friend's actions--they aren't used to a guy of his stature being so comfortable around tall women because they are so often throwing a hissy fit about it. 

As for your second question, I haven't noticed a similar pattern. I am equally visible to tall, medium, and short liars men. I suspect it is because I'm loud and insert myself into conversations. (I have other methods that I rely on for invisibility.) I actually can't imagine why men your height aren't noticing you..I mean, you're at eye level! Perhaps they are used to looking down. Although...this would lead them to a direct confrontation with your chest...and you'd think THAT would get a reaction... Unless they're all looking up? Which seems odd that you'd be encountering all the average height guys looking for a tall woman. It just doesn't seem likely. Maybe you could try some kind of eye-catching hat...no stop I hate myself for that even more than the song I made up earlier. 

I'm actually baffled. Perhaps one of my readers has some wisdom. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Medium Height Guys,
I still love you. 

Well...I love you just as much as I love short and tall guys. 

You all annoy me equally. You're just as likely to get my phone number as a short or tall guy. (None of you will get it.) 
xo ba

Dear Jenny...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I am a bit worried that my boyfriend is moving...a bit too fast. I love him and I truly believe that he could (in the immortal words from Disney's Hercules) Go The Distance! We've met each other families and his parents really like me and my parents adore him. Even more importantly, my friends seem to like him and his friends like me. I really understand that he wants to start planning our future together. However, I don't think i am ready for this big of a move. I mean, a joint cell phone plan is a big deal.

I have had my cell number since the end of high school. I don't think I could just give it up, not even for a handsome face and really good sex. Also I think he wants to get us on a plan that would get him the newest iPhone and I, personally, am Android user. It's like we are two star-crossed operating systems. How do I tell my man that I am not ready for this kind of commitment?

From

867-5309

Dear Jenny,

Don't change your number. It's in the song. 

Ok, it's more complicated than that. I get it. First of all, you have my sympathies for being an Android user dating an iMan. I've been in your shoes and I can only hope that your boyfriend doesn't constantly try to convince you to switch. Operating systems shouldn't make or break a relationship, but iUsers sometimes think it can. To hear about your choices time and time again would be awful. (Am I projecting? I think I'm projecting. Let's move on.) 

I do NOT understand the push to combine bills and checking accounts and other adult stuff. I can understand making space in the closet. I understand their sweatshirts slowly being adopted into your own wardrobe. I understand you drink Pepsi and I drink Coke but I bought you Pepsi for when you're at my place. But money? Money makes me nervous. I caution everyone to think long and hard before combining any financial part of your lives. I'm not saying your partner is going to wipe out your joint account* or that you'll get stuck paying the bills every month waiting for them to get their half to you.** It's not because of a fatalistic belief that all couples break up, either.*** It just makes everything so much more complicated. Finances are stressful and you're putting that stress on a relationship. Relationships are hard enough to navigate without arguing how much data you think you'll need. Don't do it. There's time for all that later. 

People don't write to me because they're in a perfect relationship. (Thank God.) You're here because you're not ready for this. And that's okay. There isn't a set relationship timeline you have to follow. The way I see it, you can handle this conversation one of two ways. The first way is to distract him with sex every time he mentions cell phones. On the plus side, you'd be having great sex. However, there is a small chance that his brain will start connecting talking about phones to sex, so you'll have to deal with the weird side effects of that. It might be awkward if he gets excited anytime a Verizon commercial comes on television. 

If you're a bit nervous about starting a Pavlovian response to AT&T stores, then you should probably (SIGH) have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Gross, I know. But relationships are like dogs. You chose this. You have to pick up after them and feed them and take care of them, even when you don't want to. Serious Relationship Conversations are the dog shit in this scenario, obviously. If you ignore it, it will pile up until it's filling your yard and your friends feel awkward saying something about it. 

Just be honest. (UGH I KNOW I'M SORRY but that's just how adult relationships work, I'm told.) If he's as great as you say, you'll be ok.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

*Except that does happen.

**That too. 

***I'm sure you guys will be fine.

Dear Santa...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Flipping through the gift guide section in the December issue of my fave magazine, I found this: "sexy sweatpants"...what the...WHAT?!

Kisses,

Santa

Dear Santa,

You got my letters!! Sexy sweatpants--it's all I ever wanted! 

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Sweatpants you're supposed to wear out of the house...I think I'm going to cry. 

This is a serious holiday miracle. 

Solitarily (and COMFORTABLY!) yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Good at Other Things...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I have some concerns. Soon I will be going to a friend from Grad School's wedding. I have been excited about it for a while until I realized that I will have to see OTHER people from grad school there. Currently I am the least successful person who graduated from the program. 

I need advice on how to deal with this wedding. What do you suggest?

Warm Regards,

I don't want to make small talk with my successful cohort members

Dear Good at Other Things,

This is a very real concern. I was at a wedding once with a friend who works for the FBI. To hear that success story and then see all eyes turn expectantly to you...yeah, I feel your pain. "...I write a blog. I've got a lot of twitter followers." It's not going to come out well. 

So how do you deal with this wedding? The plan I'm suggesting requires a little prep work. First of all, you need to examine your life. Make a list of the things that you're proud of--the stuff you're really nailing in life. Are you dating someone really hot? Have any celebrities tweeted at you lately? Did your new haircut get complimented like, five times at Target last week? Have you been involved in any awesome projects lately? Did your post on tumblr get tons of notes? Did you find a gas station with a great price and text all your friends? I don't care how mundane any of it sounds--this is the foundation of my plan. There are two reasons--the first is that it's important to bolster your confidence a little in these situations. (WEDDINGS, that is.) It's also about to be the first step in a a little research project. 

So, are you remembering how awesome you are? Good. You're better than those other grad students. 

Now you need to do a little research. It's social media time. All those cohort members who are "more successful" than you? Google them. Facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr. All of it. Focus on those areas where you are awesome. You're dating someone really hot? Time to find out if your classmates are. You're a twitter rockstar? Well how many followers do THEY have? You see where I'm going with this? 

You're good at OTHER THINGS. 

When you get to this wedding, get yourself a cocktail and mentally review all the stuff that makes you super awesome. (BECAUSE YOU ARE.) When it comes time to talk to the rest of your cohort, let them talk about those jobs. How one dimensional. Your work is not your life! Nod and smile and tell them that's awesome. Before they can ask you, ease the conversation away from work. Direct it towards that list we made. "Did I see that you're in a new relationship?" After those lames tell you about their generic boring girlfriends, they'll ask you. Oh, me? YEAH, I'm dating someone. Check out this hotness. Direct conversation towards your work in the community, or with children, or whatever awesome extracurriculars you've developed. Just constantly redirect the conversation. Stay in the conversation as long as you feel is necessary, and then make your escape. 

Then steal all their candy favors from the tables, go home, and tweet to your multitude of followers about your evening. 

Good luck! 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear General Cuss-ter...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm looking for some new curse words. Calling someone an a$&hole just doesn't do it for me any more and I don't like using the misogynistic words (you know the ones I mean). Do you have any recommendations?

@$*^#€ you,

Potty Mouth

Dear General Cuss-ter,

Real confession: I opened your email and glanced over it before reading. I saw the phrase "asshole just doesn't do it for me" and thought, "THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF ADVICE I GIVE." 

I'm really happy you want to talk about swearing. 

I'm all for learning new things, so props to you for expanding your horizons. This is about creativity. There's a relatively small pool of words to work from, if you think about it. 

There are several things I've found quite useful. First off is the compound word swearing. Combine words, even words that aren't cursing, to come up with quirky and new ways to express your feelings. The other day a friend called someone a "dick sneeze." I wouldn't have considered it, but when he said it, it gave us a pretty solid impression of the person in question. You can take a curse word you'd normally use, then tack on a body part, bodily function, natural disaster--really the possibilities are limitless. For more delicate surroundings, you can also consider combining one of those with an animal. I'd probably be insulted if someone called me a dragon fart or giraffe testicle--you know what I'm saying?

Watch sports with someone who is REALLY INTO SPORTS. Wait for an official to pass judgment on a play or someone on the opposing team to step out of line--you'll hear some shiny new combinations. 

You can also broaden your scope and learn a new language! My summer campers know how to swear in at least 5 languages by the end of the first couple days of camp. "What the fuck" is a little more satisfying in Finnish, for example. It's also easier to get away with muttering these under your breath at work. (See also: Joss Whedon's Firefly) You can also look to other cultures. This one guy I knew in Ireland practically turned cursing into a sport. When he got going...it was a thing of beauty, in a way. 

And finally, if you're looking for something slightly more creative and sort of off the beaten trail, look to the masters! Guys like Shakespeare figured out a million ways to insult people without coming right out and calling them a fuck face. It's a little wordier, so there isn't the instant satisfaction that comes from dropping the word asshole, but it's an option. 

Was this helpful? 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Anakin Skywalker...

What does "your loss" mean? I HATE when girls use it. To me it says, I kinda wanted you to come to this, but since you have other plans, I'll save face by being a slight dick. Perspective. 

Dear Anakin Skywalker,
You're not far off with that one. "Your loss" is a way of turning the disappointment off yourself and onto the other person. It always follows some kind of rejection--whether it's breaking someone's heart or a booty call being denied. I've experienced both sides of the "your loss"--I've heard it and yes, I've said it. And yes, it's kind of a dick move. But it's a defensive dick move. It's a way of saying "I could care less about this rejection--I pretty much won't remember it in five minutes--but man are YOU going to regret it." On the surface, it's "I don't give a fuck"...but underneath that it says "I CARE SO MUCH." 
Remind yourself that she's probably really into you and let that boost your ego for a bit, but let it slide so she can save face. She really does give a fuck that you said no.

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Optimist...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Facebook has now opened my eyes to what my friends are thinking and feeling, and as I read my friends post I’m noticing a trend. Someone is always whining about being single! So I started to think back to all the different groups of friends throughout my life and it’s true. Every group I’ve been apart of always has that one person who was never happy and always complained about being single. Who is always searching, always sighing always longing more for. I get it, it sucks! The dating world is a cruel place, but come on, we are all single that’s why we hang out all the time! I feel your pain, I truly do but I can’t take your complaining any more! Amanda, how do I make my friends shut up already? Can’t they see there bad vibes could be the reason they are still single? I love my friends but does there have to be one in every group?

Yours truly,

Frustrated by friends


Dear Optimist,
...Is this an intervention? Did you guys all get together to send this? 

No, that can't be right. I complain about men being idiots and couples being obnoxious...not about being single. 

You can't make them stop. There will always be that friend who complains about something. If she gets married, she'll find something new to complain about--the topic doesn't really matter. If she starts dating it might be her job. If she gets promoted it'll be her apartment. If that changes, she'll have family issues...you get what I'm saying. Some people just like to whine about their lives. (Tell her to start a blog! I've found that to be a useful vessel for complaining.) 

Seriously, this isn't from my friends, is it? 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Best Policy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Is there a polite way of saying, "I think you are full of shit and I am not interested in what you have to say"? I've been trying to think of one but am having trouble with the exact phrasing.

Sincerely,

Awkwardly Honest


Dear Best Policy,
I'm about to do something unprecedented and tell you I suck at this. 

I have no poker face at all. Generally speaking, if I think someone is full of shit and am not interested in what they have to say, my face says it all. My features arrange themselves into an expression of "I'm bored and no shits are being given," while at the same time I'm mentally high fiving myself on really nailing a neutral facial expression. This continues, I've noticed, until a friend yanks me away from a conversation unceremoniously under the pretense of needing my help with some vague task. Even then I usually don't pick up on what kind of trainwreck they are trying to stop until they mimic the face I've just been making. 

I have NO IDEA why this the one social area where I'm a complete failure.**

However, in the interest of actually helping you out, let's consider the various situations in which you might be inclined to say, "I think you are full of shit and I'm not interested in what you have to say." Sometimes you don't need to be polite. If this is some bro at the bar, then be blunt and get out. "I'm bored and I have to go now." You don't owe that guy an explanation. If it's a friend or someone you genuinely like, pick a fight about what they're saying. That's always fun, especially if other people are around to uncomfortably decide whether this is a big deal or not. 

Regrettably, if this is a coworker you'll be forced to mingle with every day over mediocre coffee in the break room, or some family member you're supposed to play nice with...you need to just get out and let everybody save face. Fake a super important text message or something--anything that excuses you from the situation. Tell them you're about to pee your pants. Whatever you need to do. Life is too short to listen to bullshit. (Everyone just closed their internet browser.) 

Oh, and if it's your boss--work REALLY HARD at keeping your face neutral. And if at any point you feel like you're doing such a good job at looking neutral that you want to award yourself a mental high five, you're doing it wrong. Try harder. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


**Besides my dating life. 

Dear Jane Eyre...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I've noticed among women in social situations where they are apt to met new people of the suitable gender for their romantic proclivities, if they happen to be in a relationship, this is information they will tell you early on, particularly if the beau is not in attendance.  It's not overt, it's not jarring, it's just there to show everyone where they stand. "Oh yes, Peru is lovely. I went last year with my boyfriend." That sort of thing. Just slipping in a simple fact.

I like this. I like how it says, "I am enjoying your conversation, and, in case we are reading this situation differently, I just want to let you know I'm spoken for. Let us continue talking about our common interests and having a good time." (Granted, some people wield this like a shield, bringing up their significant other every three seconds, which is a bit irritating, but understandable if they are getting a lot of unwanted attention.)

Men, I've found, do not do this. This is annoying. Maybe it's not all men. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the male sex as a whole, but a disproportional amount of men that *I* meet and am flirting with/ passing my phone number to/ trying to ask out do not come clean with information about girlfriends until well into the conversation. A number of them don't even slip that bit of information in within the first meeting. I remember one time where I was shocked to find the gentleman in question had a fiance the whole time I'd known him, which was about nine months, and no one had informed me of this. Another time, I thought I'd been asked on an impromptu date, only to find I wasn't when he told me he was meeting his girlfriend at the movies later. Possibly my fault for misconstruing the invitation, but I still contend I should have been informed that a girlfriend existed by at least the first month in of knowing someone.

Is this some sort of convoluted chivalry? Are these men so sensitive to bandying a woman's good name about town that they neglect to tell me that they are in a long term relationship? Or are they dense and ill informed of social rules? Or, am *I* ill-informed and the general procedure now is to shake hands and ask, "Hello. Are you single? I just want to make sure it's ok to hit on you this evening should I feel inclined to do so." Or, and I hesitate to bring this up, are they doing this... conveniently?  ("Oh, I never told you I had a girlfriend? I'm sure I did, I must have.")

What do you think, Bitter Amanda? Why is this happening? And what can I do about it?

Yours truly,

Jane Eyre


Dear Jane,
If I had a dollar for every time I learned far too late in the game that a man was already in a relationship, I would be in a different tax bracket. 
This is so awkward! Women want to make it clear if they are in a relationship and that this is just a friendly conversation and not flirting, but they also don't want to be That Girl who can only talk about her boyfriend. But you also don't want to assume that every man who speaks to you is flirting. Most women have found a way to seamlessly introduce a significant other--generally before someone is asking for her phone number. On the flip side, single women also want to make themselves known without sounding sad or desperate--and they're pretty good at it.
Men are terrible at this. (And many other things in life, such as returning phone calls and regarding the feelings of another.) It's hard to tell if this is an intentional omission of information or just a stupid misreading of social situations. The first is unforgivable, the second is annoying. For me, the strangest part of this phenomenon is situations like not knowing someone is engaged. Your significant other shouldn't be the only thing you talk about, but how can you leave someone like that out of conversation for so long? Not a very good sign, if you ask me. 
And so, Ms. Eyre, let's get to your questions. Why is this happening? I am disinclined to call it any form of chivalry. That, my dear, is dead. Nor is this situation your fault. You're allowed to flirt and you're just using the information you've been given--or not given, as the case may be. 
I think the solution to this problem falls to men. (Sadly. This does not bode well for an efficient remedy.)
Men of the world, it's time to start paying attention. If you are unavailable and someone is flirting with you, you have a responsibility to your significant other to make them known. You don't have to wear a big sandwich board saying "I HEART MY GIRLFRIEND" or anything. Just a quick drop of the word "girlfriend" or even a female name will do. If said with enough familiarity, most women will pick up the hint. Do this as soon as she makes physical contact with you or asks what you do on the weekends. And don't flirt back! She might not be flirting with you, but she'll appreciate the heads up. Even if you're awkward about it, and you very likely will be, at least it's out there. 

If I may go down another path for a minute, I believe there is another reason women are so good at dropping their partner into conversations. It's a defense mechanism. A safety net. Very often, the only thing that stops a would-be suitor from showering a woman with affection (read: groping and sweating all over her) is the mention of another man in her life. The sad fact is that lots of men only stop unwanted attention out of respect for another man. I've had to make up boyfriends in order to get a man unwrapped from around me. It's not enough that a woman has said no or asked you to stop, which is pathetic. 
SORRY ABOUT THE UNWANTED RANT. 

You keep doing what you're doing, Jane. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Vin Diesel...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I just read something for school ("...in a [labor] union as in a country, the best way to ensure internal harmony and unity is to have a state of 'war'."*) that reminded me of what an ex once told me about relationships: if you aren't fighting, you aren't talking. Are regularly combative and potentially hostile forms of communication actually healthy on a personal level?

Sincerely,
Not the "fist" in pacifist

p.s. The ex and I rarely fought. Is that why we broke up? Is that ironic?

p.p.s. Sorry about the footnote in an email. I'm a little excited about being in school again. xoxoNerd.

*from D. Lilore, The local union in public libraries. (1984), p. 77 paraphrasing L.H. Fisher and G. McConnell, "Internal conflict and labor union solidarity" in K. Kornhauser, et. al. Industrial conflict (1954).


Dear Vin Diesel,
I'm not sure about that quote as it relates to labor unions or countries--I'd have to see more and I'm not an expert on either of those topics...unlike relationships, where I am clearly an expert--so let's focus on the part about your ex.**
Some people don't know how to communicate or function without some level of stress. (Come to hang out with a certain branch of my family. You'll know what I mean.) Some people need that constant level of stress and adrenaline. I'm not calling it healthy or unhealthy, but I'm pointing it out. 
But in a relationship? I'm going to disagree with your ex. Is arguing and having disagreements and working through them healthy? Absolutely. Work through your problems...in private, please. There is nothing more uncomfortable than witnessing a couple fight in public. It's almost worse than witnessing a couple making out in public. Almost. Rolling over and being a doormat because you'd rather avoid confrontation? Pass, thanks. But combative? Potentially hostile? That's not how I want my relationships described. (Although, my exes might disagree with that but WE WON'T ASK THEM.) There are ways to work out problems in a more...peaceful manner. 
Did you and your ex break up because you never fought? I don't know. My guess would be no. I'd be more likely to suggest that you broke up because he felt combative arguments were the way to your heart. Just a hunch. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS--I don't mind footnotes. 
PPS--I think I've had this email for a really long time. It got lost in my inbox. Like that time my blind date had to reschedule and, I'm sure, lost my phone number. Sorry. 





**Part of this sentence is a lie.

Dear Whovian...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I think I received a note from Dr. Who. Can you please confirm?

Sincerely,
Future Companion

Dear Whovian,
I assume you mean Doctor Who, as one doesn't abbreviate when referring to The Doctor.

So, are you a future companion? Unlikely. And not just because I'm fairly certain The Doctor wouldn't leave notes on old receipts. (I'm not saying he has some fancy embossed stationary or anything--I really wouldn't know--but it's just a hunch that this note is not he he rolls.) I say no mostly because for you to be a future companion, the author of this note would have to mean what he said and follow up on it. We all know that's rather unlikely for a man, hmm? 

If you believe in magic and want to save the universe, then by all means pen a missive in reply. Just don't get your hopes up that the TARDIS will show up on your front lawn. The guy didn't even provide a return address. Typical. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Ghost Chase...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I think the clock on the bedside table is trying to send me a message. Can you help me interpret it?

It's one of those cool alarm clocks that projects the time onto the ceiling which is great if you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and want to know what time it is. But one day, I noticed that the time was suddenly 4 hours ahead. It is disorienting enough to wake up in the middle of the night and not know what time, day, or century it is because you're so groggy, but to also be fed false information? That is unacceptable!

So I reset it to the right time, which for me is EST. And the next morning the clock was 4 hours ahead again! The clock keeps doing this, resetting itself 4 hours ahead no matter how many times I set it right. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but this is a true story. I swear!

Is this merely mechanical malfunction or am I receiving messages from the digital beyond (AKA, is my clock haunted)?

Please help!

Sincerely,

Mocked by Clock

p.s. Just in case you were wondering, I use the alarm on my phone to wake me up in the morning. I was not woken up at ungodly-er than normal hours by this haunted alarm clock. So if that was the clock's plan, to disturb my rest, it failed.

Dear Ghost Chase,

Haunted. Your clock is definitely haunted. I'd do some google research on taking care of that. 

Then again...it's giving you the time in western Portugal. It could be worse, you know? Maybe it's a sign. 

Or...you should change the batteries. 

It's definitely one of the two. 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Stan...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I created a board on Pinterest of all the pins I think you would like. You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan


Dear Stan,
WHAT. WHAT JUST HAPPENED. That Pinterest board is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I am actually feeling positive emotions over this. You're a pretty awesome Biggest Fan. Also you might need another hobby, since you made a WWBAP board on Pinterest. Just a thought. But you're still awesome! 

Readers, I also finally understand the appeal of Pinterest. Guess who won't be getting much work done in the near future? 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Miss Jones...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm in a bit of a pickle. I met an attractive and interesting man a few weeks ago with a common interest. We talked for a while,  and eventually exchanged information about other events that were happening. Now, I've been rather busy since then, though I had planned on contacting him this week about an event coming up, in hopes that we'd meet up and get chatting again. However, last night he may have showed up at a weekly event that I told him about, but to which I hadn't expected him to come... but then again, maybe he didn't.

Bitter Amanda, I can't remember what he looks like.

I know he had glasses and a beard, and was slightly taller than I am. There was a man there last night fitting that description, but was it him? I couldn't tell. I spent much of the evening sneaking furtive glances, trying to figure out if this was the same person, and being generally on the other side of the room so I wouldn't have to make conversation.

And here's the rub: I had good time chatting with him! I wanted to see him again! But maybe I did, and didn't recognize him. Why doesn't my brain work!? If I invite him to the other event, how will I recognize him? Did I just spend the whole night ignoring him after I told him to come? O, calamity!

I am aware at how ridiculous this sounds, especially since I did describe him as "attractive". But, Bitter Amanda, beards and glasses, two of those most distinguishing factors that you'd use to identify someone (for goodness sake, they major descriptors in the game Guess Who) are all too common these days.

Damn hipsters. Damn them all.

So what to do? Invite and hope that I hadn't avoided him the whole night and look like an ass? Or pretend the whole thing didn't happen, and give up befriending a quite interesting human being?

Sincerely,
Forgetful Jones


Dear Miss Jones,
You know, most cell phones these days have cameras. Next time you meet a dude, take a sneaky picture of him. Or make a mark on his neck with a Sharpie so you can identify him next time. Maybe you can get one of those pet trackers! 
In the interest of separating this man from the hipsters, and because I am mean and just want to see it happen, you need to stage some sort of elaborate plan. Invite him to whatever unironic event you're attending--but make sure you can find him this time. Are you comfortable with lying? Not like, major "I'm moving to the moon" lying, but just...a little lie. A white lie. A short work of fiction with good intentions, if you will. So..are you? If not, you'd better try another advice column. But if you are ok with that, then let's go. 
So invite your bearded beau and talk up this event like it's really cool but you heard the weirdest thing about it! Tell him that apparently, you can't get in unless you're carrying a rubber chicken. (Still with me?) SO he walks in, rubber chicken in hand, and there you go. That's your man. 

But Amanda, won't he notice that no one else has a rubber chicken? Do I need to bring one too? What's the point of that? You're getting bogged down in details--it doesn't matter why! You can be just as baffled as he is, when you tell him. You don't need one because remember, that's the lie. I mean, if you're really into that idea or you have one, what the hell. Throw it in your handbag. But it's really not necessary. 

Right, but what about when he notices that no one else is carrying one? That's not my problem. I lured your tall man there--it's your job to handle him once he walks in. 

What if he gets upset about it or refuses to go because of this plan? Then he's lame and you should find another bespectacled friend. 

Ok, well what if he WAS the guy at this event and I ignored him? This is easy, throw it back at him. Why didn't you come talk to me? 

What if he shows up without a rubber chicken and we have an awkward encounter. Oh, I hardly recognized you without your rubber chicken! Simple. 

Have you ever done anything like this? Of course not. 

You do realize this is a terrible plan, right? Yeah, but you're still reading it. You came to a blog called Bitter Amanda for help--I don't think you have a lot of options right now. Go with the rubber chicken. 

Make sure I'm invited to the wedding. I'll tell this story and I'll try not to be mean to your bridesmaids.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


PS: I'll probably make fun of your bridesmaids. Full disclosure. 

Dear Suburban Supervisor...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Does this count as an early mid-life crisis?

I can't leave my husband-to-be unsupervised. I just got home from a three day weekend visiting family with my mom and I came home to find that he bought a hands free step machine, two (2) 3-lbs. hand weights, an Xbox 360 with a Kinect sensor, and an iPhone 5. The reason? He "broke up" with his gym and decided to make his own "gym" at home. He already has a punching bag downstairs from a Black Friday shopping spree and has used the step thing and hand weights while watching football this weekend (Wish I was home to see that!). Why the iPhone? 1.) He is jealous if mine, and 2.) He found an app that counts his squats. Apparently this makes it gym equipment.

My question for you, Bitter Amanda, is should I be angry or concerned about my fiancée's impulsive buys? I'm secretly a little excited to use the Xbox, and am still laughing too much to be objective.

Sincerely,
Bewildered in the Suburbs


Dear Suburban Supervisor,
I'm assuming that the money was not a problem here. It sounds like you're not desperately concerned about him spending it, which would have led to an entirely different response. 

So. Is this an early mid-life crisis? Let's...go with yes. For selfish reasons. First of all, his shopping spree is focused on taking care of himself, so that could be a lot worse. He's not a cliched balding guy in a yellow convertible, looking straight up ridiculous. He isn't trying out skinny jeans like all the young guys in his office. An iPhone is pretty good, considering. 
Second of all, he's getting this out of the way early! If this is, in fact, a mid-life (or quarter-life, or third-life, or whatever fraction) crisis, you can just cross it off the list. It's done. Before you're even married. Awesome! 

I think you're good with laughing and enjoying the fruits of his crisis. When the day comes that he announces that you should both quit your jobs, sell your house, and move to Spain because a life of leisure is really what we need!, just remind him that he used his Mid-Life Crisis card already, then you decide where you're moving. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Antihistamine...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Constantly sniffling,
Lady in Love (?)



Dear Antihistamine,
Allergies. Very likely allergies. Take some Benadryl and we'll see you tomorrow. 
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Ren McCormack...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

 

I am fabulously single. No attachments, no drama, but lots and lots of cool friends, including male friends who alternately treat me as "one of the guys" or "the girl" depending if we're, say, getting a beer or going dancing. I dig my lifestyle. My mother, however, does not seem to understand the coolness of my situation. There's apparently been a lot of Valentine's Day specials on morning TV and I think they are getting to her. She has repeatedly told me that I should be dating more. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dating. If someone asks me out, I generally say yes, because I am cool and awesome and fun loving (although there's been more than a few "is this a date?" situations. Bitter Amanda, you may want to put out a handbook on that topic.).  But, it doesn't happen all that frequently, and that's fine by me. I have other ways to spend my time. My mother says, "Well, you should DO things that make them want to ask you out!" And my response to her is twofold: 1) If they haven't asked you out yet, you're not yet on their radar. And to get on their radar after the fact, most guys won't respond unless you throw yourself at them. 2) if I'm going to have to do that, why wouldn't I just ask the fool out myself? It's so much less demeaning. Mom sighs and says she just thinks I will be happier if I date more. How do I get her to realize that I am, in fact, quite happy and not bemoaning my singledom in the slightest?

 

Footloose and Fancy Free

Dear Ren McCormack,

I'm uncharacteristically proud to read this letter. It's so hard to be an educator and feel like you're talking to yourself, day after day, trying to help people. I mean, you hope you're getting through to someone but...

But this! Look at you, you shining beacon of hope! Embrace your singledom! It's a fun time! You're saving SO MUCH MONEY on holidays! You're a model Single Person and I applaud you! Even more so, given that we're staring down the barrel of Valentine's Day. Fifty gold stars for you. 

Forget what your mom is saying--she's probably going through Baby Fever, where she's starting to panic about not becoming a grandmother and it's happening all around her, and SHE JUST WANTS A BABY TO SNUGGLE, OK? IS THAT SO WRONG? My mom should start a support group for that. 

Keep dancing and doing your thing, Ren. You're doing alright. 

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda