Dear Robin...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I've been on two dates with someone lovely this week. Life just happened work out for a few short days between the time I found out he was newly single and the time when we will have to part company due to one of us moving away. Things are brilliantly new, sudden, and fleeting. Because of these circumstances, I am more likely to do things I wouldn't otherwise. This can be a good and a bad thing as you will soon see.

We went for happy hour on our last outing: pitchers and wings, for we are classy people. After several hours of brilliant banter and drinking, he cut himself off from beer since he was driving. Being a gentleman, he offered me a ride home, as well as the remainder of our pitcher. "Thank you," I said. "I would love a ride home, but I couldn't possibly finish the beer. Just half a glass more for me."

Half an hour later, while my companion sat serenely sipping his water, I was quite surprised to find the pitcher empty. I babbled without reservation about his likeness to various actors and cartoons, until he mentioned it was midnight, and perhaps we should go home. We managed to leave the establishment without incident, knocking over only one glass upon my rising from the table. We took a circuitous route to my residence, as I attempted to help him navigate the six city blocks with their complex grid-like structure. Arriving at my destination, I thanked him with a peck on the cheek, to which he replied "woo!" as I bolted from the car. I may or may not have said "Run away, run away!"

In the sober light of day, I can't help feeling a bit embarrassed. There is no persona I hate more than that of Drunk Girl, and would hate to think I offended or annoyed such an outstanding gentleman by simply ensuring none of the ale he purchased went to waste. Worse, upon further reflection, "woo!" seems to pick up vastly different nuanced meanings the more I think about it. Is it "Woo! What the hell was that about?!" Or merely, "Woo! You are tipsy, my dear girl, but I will allow this just this once." Or even, "Woo! I was not expecting that, but I liked it." Or perhaps, "Woo! She totally just ran out of the car like I was going to eat her."

Bitter Amanda, I defer to your wisdom. In this context, what does "woo!" mean, and what does it hold for future rendez-vous?

-In cervisia, loquacitatem

Dear Robin,

Woo? Really, woo? What, did this date happen on the pages of a comic book?? Did his eyes bug out of his head and turn into hearts, too? Was your date Batman? That is not an appropriate reaction to a girl kissing you on the cheek! Particularly without any further explanation. As far as I'm concerned, gentlemen, the only wooing on a date should consist of you bringing flowers and the like. Not the actual word. Unless your date's band just finished playing an awesome song. OR SOME OTHER SITUATION WHEN A WOO IS CONSIDERED ACCEPTABLE.

This is so perfectly male, I can't even tell you. Rather than dealing with his emotions in an adult way (or even a coherent way) he resorts to cartoon bubble-esque responses to the situation. In reality, his woo likely means what so many things do, coming from the mouths of men. "I don't know what I want." Let's be serious--do they ever? Men do not know what they want in relationships. They only figure it out once someone else tells them or makes it impossible for them to have it.

This is a puzzling situation for me, and not just because of Archie's strange exclamation. Maybe I got some of the facts wrong. He's single, you're leaving the area, you were drinking together? And he's lovely? And yet...somehow...you didn't end up making out? Because I have to tell you, that's the outcome I'd have put my money on. But I'd have been wrong. Instead, he wooed and now you get to find the boy translation for that. How thoughtful.

So, do you have a future? Well, I don't think "woo!" is entirely bad, so what the hell? See him again. Just put a moratorium on anything that could be considered a sound effect. If he does anything of the sort, you have my full permission to respond in Batman cartoon words. See his woo! and raise him a POW or ZAP.

Then we'll see how outstanding this gentleman really is.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Brick...

Dear BA,

Facebook; why do people do that to themselves?

-Brick

Dear Brick,

Let’s see…peer pressure? Narcissism? The siren call of stalking people in a socially acceptable way? All these are usually coupled with thinly veiled excuses about networking and reviving friendships from one’s 2nd grade Girl Scout troop.

Oh, and whatever that FarmVille shit is. I'm still getting invites to that--knock it off.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Pirate...

BA,

I went on a few dates with a boy. I thought things were going well, on our last date we spent all night cuddling and he told me I gave him butterflies in his stomach. Then... he fell off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again. I know he's still alive, he just stopped all communication. I'm pretty sure it's because his last girlfriend was a psychopath and he wasn't ready for a new relationship, but it still hurt my soul.

His company is one of my company’s biggest clients. They have a small facility, and I get to spend all day there later this week. What do I do if I see him? Call him out on his shitty actions? Pretend he's not there? Say hello and nothing else? Say hello and ask how he's doing? Get violently I'll and call out sick?

What should I do?!

Signed,

Arg.

Dear Pirate,

No. This is a no in two parts, one for each section of your letter.

First of all, let’s talk about your dates with him. He said some nice things. How nice for you. But you know what? Then he stopped calling. ACTIONS DO NOT MATCH WORDS. This is what we like to call a red flag, Eye Patch. It is easy to say things, but if you can’t back them up then they have no meaning. Psychopath ex or not, if he was into you, you’d know it.

Now. Onto the second movement of Symphony in No.

This no is more complex, with subtleties weaving in and out of the general chorus of no. Some of your suggestions for seeing him are not bad. But my big issue here is how much time you’re spending on it. He’s the one who cut off communication. He missed out! This is his loss, clearly. You are way more awesome than that. Right? Right.

If and when you see him, you don’t need to worry. Just go about your day, do you job, and be the fabulous person you are. Let him spend time figuring out what to say to you, for he will surely be embarrassed by his childish behavior.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Ms. T...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I want a guy who rides a bike, does stupid tricks, goes on random midnight adventures, watches cartoons, and will steal street signs to help me make art. He also NEEDS to be sweet, intelligent, and educated. Do you think one exists?

-T

Dear Ms. T,

Not really, no.

Oh. That's harsh, right? Um...it's very likely that he does. But in the end, he probably also has a boyfriend or a prison sentence or a huge tattoo on his bicep of the ex girlfriend he's stalking or big plans for his upcoming 15th birthday party. So...you know, good luck.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Twitter...

Dear Amanda,

I went to this Peace organization training in Dallas, Texas this weekend. And I was somewhat disturbed to see two semi awkward guys playing with one balloon for over 45 minutes! crazy. It could have been an movie Titled: Two guys one balloon.

I don't expect you to post this, but I do expect you to follow me on twitter,

The kid from D.


Dear Twitter,
That sounds painful to watch. I'm guessing these awkward gentlemen were practicing some really odd, nerdy and anti-social flirting ritual? Whatever works. I could go on for a while here about their need to get out and talk to some girls, unless they're looking for a nerdy boy to hang out uncomfortably with...in which case I'd say they're doing alright for themselves.
However. What I'd really like to address here is concern in two parts. First of all, that you watched this for 45 minutes. That is a seriously long time. Don't you know any girls to talk to? Or have any friends you could hang out with? Or maybe you could have joined in, making it a social event, rather than a sad, voyeuristic sideshow. There are lots of alternatives. My other concern is that you've likened this experience to a graphic, gross internet porn phenomenon. I'm not sure what, but it definitely says something about you, D.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS: Despite this, I will follow you on twitter. Don't disappoint! *ba

Dear Dazed...

Is the following a compliment, or should I be offended? "I kinda want to see you when you're 50. You're so pretty now... who knows what can go wrong before then!"

-slightly confused

Dear Dazed,

...What? This...is baffling. I mean...talk about mixed messages. Let's break it down.

I kinda want to see you when you're 50. This could be "I am letting you know that in 20-some years I would still like to look at your face" in which case that's nice. Odd way of phrasing it, but nice. You're so pretty now... hey now, that's better! Pretty is a very straightforward word. who knows what can go wrong before then! Wait, what? I do not understand.

It comes down to who delivered this remark. A passive-aggressive aunt, speaking to a lifestyle she doesn't approve of with a thin smile on her face? Take offense. Then tell her she'll probably be dead by then. An ex? Take offense and then be glad he's gone. However, I suspect that it's neither of these. I imagine that it's a boy you may or may not be interested in. Who may or may not be interested in you. But those are two pretty important factors. Do you or don't you? Does he or doesn't he?

I'll tell you one thing--it doesn't matter. Because until a man can deliver a straight up compliment, he hasn't figured his shit out and he'll continue to hand out bizarre half-compliments masked in a veil of snark. Trying out some nonsense douchebag-endorsed dating advice, no doubt.

Ladies, do not accept a compliment unless you're positive it's meant as one.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Blockhead...

I met a girl.

I've known her from work for the last six months, been hanging out with her as a friend for four of those months, she's invited me to meet her family and attend her nephew's birthday party (an exclusive invite), I've met and been accepted into her friend circle, she's invited me to her brother's wedding, she tutors me in language, we eat a lot of dinners together, and we recently took a trip (with two other friends) to a few touristy locals. During said touristy adventure, something happened. She showed a side of herself not before seen and I showed a side of myself not before seen. She was more playful and wild and I was more charming and adventurous (maybe just adventurous). So, we talked a little after the trip and admitted that we had developed feelings for one another along the way. I mean, after our trip, they were just... there. Go figure. In the beginning of January we were kind of hinting around dating, but no one asked anyone out at that moment. I had to give it a lot of thought before deciding to ask as I am 1 - in a foreign country and would have to 2 - commit to a serious and long term relationship which may end up in marriage which meant 3 - I would have to stay abroad and of course 4 - change my whole life for one person. If you know me, which you do, that's sort of an epic question. Well, I surprised myself and the first answer I got in my head was, "I'll do it all."

On Valentine's Day, I asked her out (cliched, I know). She said 'maybe' because, well, it's a big deal to have a foreigner such as myself as a boyfriend. Apparently, she lost a lot of sleep over the decision and finally turned up with a "no" two days later.

Well, I was confused because, well, do you see the above set up? Friends, family, hanging out a lot, getting really close, admitting feelings... so I asked her why she answered that way. It even turned into one of those romantic movie scenes and as I walked her to the subway I basically bared all with just about any romantic thought I had in my head about her. Turns out, she's afraid of dating a foreigner. Why? She believes that the language and cultural barriers will not let us know each others minds. Maybe we will be sad because we can't fully express ourselves. I don't know enough of her language, she doesn't know enough of mine (though she is passable in any state in America any day). We manage to bring these things up from time to time with each other and it's almost like she's slowly being convinced to change her mind. At least, that's just the way I perceive things going.

Anyway, we are awesome friends regardless of all of this. I recently hung out with her and her sister and played with her nephew while we were shopping for groceries. She's invited me to visit her in her new hometown next weekend, we're going on another touristy trip together this month too, and she wants to have me over so she can cook some traditional foods.

Also, I gave her something. It was a gift that I bought while I was in New Zealand (yes, everyone knows who's writing this). I bought it for "someone"- this image of a girl I wished I could meet someday (honestly it was like making a wish), and though I have had a few opportunities to give it away, I never did until now. It's a teardrop greenstone necklace with a symbol of a koru (google it) engraved on it. She hasn't taken it off since I gave it to her and she proudly displays it everywhere. I think she loves me, but I think she's afraid to admit it. Could I be totally wrong? See above? Totally wrong?

So my agency contacts me last week. These are the people who got me a job overseas. They say, (paraphrased), "What's next for you? Beijing? Hong Kong? Taiwan? Japan? The world is at your doorstep, all you need do is ask us." I say (literal), "Before I can answer you, I have to see about a girl." In the extended response I asked them to look for places for me to work that would be near this girl.

So let me complicate my previous question. It used to be: travel the world or return to the United States of America. Now it's: the girl or the rest of the world? One whole world, or another?

Is this still an awesome problem to have? I'd say yes, no matter how much is drives me crazy, but what do you think?

-Charlie Brown

Dear Blockhead,

Sort of. It's sort of an awesome problem to have. I only mean that compared to other problems you could have. On a global scale, this problem rocks. However, on a relationship scale, this problem does not rock.

I like that you've manned up and you're out there with your feelings and not shirking away from them. I like that you're willing to commit to something, as many men in their 20s and 30s seem to be in this whole, "Hey man, I just want to do my own thing and go where the wind blows me, so putting down roots will seriously interfere with that" mentality. Those men should buy surfboards, rent a house together, and figure their shit out. ...Anyway. I like that you're sticking this out until you figure it out. It would be easy for you to walk away after hearing her say no.

I seriously wanted to throw up while I read the description of your time together. Like, I was mad at you for putting that filth in my inbox. Buy a diary and doodle hearts around it, already. For those readers who haven't read my other letters (although I know you have, Charlie Brown) this is usually a sign that a relationship is sickeningly sweet. I can't deal. That's just gross.

The universe conspires against us. I'm convinced. Trust me when I say that sometimes the universe does not have your back in the romance department. It's convenient to suggest that when two people are right for each other and make their friends gag, it will work out automatically. I guess it could? But more often that not, it would seem, we get obstacles thrown in front of us. There are basically two types of people: people who find an obstacle and see a stop sign, and people who find an obstacle and tackle it. It just depends on how hard you want to work. At the base of all the cultural stuff and distance stuff, we're people. The language is different and the cultures vary, but when it comes down to it, people are people. You don't have to speak the same language to gross people out with your hand holding and adoring glances.

Even though your sentimentality nauseates me, I'm going to tell you what I've told many readers. Go with your gut. If you believe she loves you and that you two have a shot at disgusting the world together, give it a shot. Keep at it. Talk to her about this romantic nonsense. You're talking about trading the whole word for her, for heaven's sake. If a man said that to me, I would slap him for being so sappy and pathetic and ask when Meg Ryan was showing up. Hopefully your girl isn't like me.

Like I told you before, figure out what makes you happy in life and go after it. Just leave the gory details out, thanks.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Old Fashioned...

Bitter Amanda,

I recently had a boy ask me if we wanted to take things to the next step - by which he meant becoming a couple.

He did this by text message. Is this normal? It seems to me a conversation about couplehood should take place in person. Kinda like not dumping someone via text - you shouldn't start a relationship via text either.

Am I just old fashioned? Is this the new norm? If so - I object. Whats next? Sex via text? Like that will ever work.

Sincerely,

Grow a Pair and Ask Me in Person

Dear Old Fashioned,

Unfortunately, the spreading of good news in a digital format seems to be gaining momentum as an appropriate method. I do not agree with this. I don't understand why my best friend should find out my news at the same time as my dentist. However, it's happening anyway.

As far as I'm concerned, a boy texting you about taking your relationship to the next level? Is only appropriate if your relationship up to that point has been a texting and/or internet relationship. Using this scale, I would assume he's ready to start having phone conversations? That's sweet.

Buuuuut....if your relationship has been a standard issue texting/phone/date/face-to-face conversation sort of thing? Then it's completely ridiculous. Texting isn't the way to move things along in the relationship department! It's just plain lazy! I cannot believe the extent of this epidemic.

Where did we go wrong? I suspect this has been snowballing for some time. First we accepted flirting via text, and then we decided it was acceptable to ask someone out and before you can type "brb" we'll be reading on facebook about that time our friends got engaged when he typed "Will u marry me? y/n" into his iPhone and she responded with a y-smiley face combo. We can't let this happen! I won't stand for it--and neither should you.

Stay strong, Old Fashioned. You're not wrong. He needs to man up and have The Talk in person.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

PS: Sex via text will never happen? Seriously? I'm going to pretend I never saw that. You're going to immediately google Tiger Woods and learn about his failed marriage. *ba

Dear Phil Connors...

BA,

I'm having some trouble with something. I'm out in the world, traveling, seeing some great things, experiencing new cultures, getting to do things that most people won't be able to do or simply can't do. Soon, I'm going to have to decide if I want it to end and return to the good old USA, or just keep going around the world - Italy, Germany, China, Japan, Taiwan...

The thing is, back in the states the economy sucks, there are no jobs that are available that I find appealing, and America is... not as interesting as the rest of the world. However, America has my friends, my computer, access to the Americana I miss, and my dog. I'm addicted to traveling the world but I'm wondering how long I can do that before I realize I'm missing out on family and friends, becoming the person "who is never there". Do I want to be that person? Or do I want to just keep going so one day, right before I die, I can smile and think, "I did that, and I never said no."

What's your take on all of this?

-Bill Murry

Dear Phil Connors,

This is rather timely, as I've recently been consulting with my partner-in-crime on a similar topic. It's a "curse" faced by many first world 20-somethings. "Should I find a stable job or travel the world the find myself?" Let's face it--there isn't a bad option here. You could travel the world and see awesome things and have life experiences fit to brag about in old age. Or you could go home to the dog who loves you and the people who matter and also have life experiences fit to brag about in old age. That's actually an awesome problem to have, if you think about it. Life could be a lot worse.

You're looking at this choice as a permanent one...it's quite limiting, don't you think? There's nothing to say you can't travel for a while longer and then return to America, or for that matter return to America and head out for adventures later.

As long as you have the resources to support it, you're in a great position to be flexible here. This is not the decision to stress about. Stop whining.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Apple Polisher...

Dear BA,

I am curious if the saying "I'm flattered" can ever be genuine or not? The word is inherently disingenuous, right? Or can someone actually say I am flattered and mean thank you or that they are touched or something of the like?

dictionary.com reinforced my thoughts:

1. to try to please by complimentary remarks or attention.

2. to praise or compliment insincerely, effusively, or excessively: She flatters him by constantly praising his books.

3. to represent favorably; gratify by falsification: The portrait flatters her.

4. to show to advantage: a hairstyle that flatters the face.

5. to play upon the vanity or susceptibilities of; cajole, wheedle, or beguile: They flattered him into contributing heavily to the foundation.

6. to please or gratify by compliments or attentions: I was flattered by their invitation.

7. to feel satisfaction with (oneself), esp. with reference to an accomplishment, act, or occasion: He flattered himself that the dinner had gone well.

8. to beguile with hope; encourage prematurely, falsely, etc.

-The flatterer

Dear Apple Polisher,

Flattery does tend to slant towards the negative side. The differences between flattery and compliments are frequency and purpose. General wisdom deems flattery excessive in nature. A showering of compliments, it often detracts from the value of the words. I find that flattery comes from wanting to make oneself look good rather than making another feel good. It's what makes balding middle-aged men think so highly of the slutty 19 year old interns at work.

Now. When one says "I'm flattered" things change. When I say I'm flattered, I typically mean, "Thank you, I appreciate that but please do not continue with this unwelcome showing of affection." I often follow "I'm flattered" with the tricky conjunction but. (We've talked about dangerous conjunctions before, yes?)

So yes, it can be genuine, but it's not necessarily good.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Angry Face...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

My boyfriend once told me that he knew I had my period because I smiled more than usual.

Sincerely,
>:(

Dear Angry Face,

This...is preposterous. I am simultaneously impressed and dumbfounded by your boyfriend. On one hand, he is obviously smarter than I give the average man credit for. To observe your behaviors enough to not only notice changes but to keep track of them long enough to formulate theories? Is pretty good. Well done.

However.

Women are perfectly aware that our periods cause changes in our mood, behaviors, etc. They aren't necessarily things we're proud of, but we know ourselves. I know that I am a tad more emotional while I'm PMSing, for example. Does that mean I want my boyfriend to say, "Jesus, it's just a Pixar movie, chill out. Guess we should pick up tampons while we're out,"? Big. Fat. No. In fact, that would probably cause me to head off on an infamous crying rant. (This maneuver, while technically difficult, has zero fans. Not that it bothers me.)

This illustrates a point I was discussing recently with my partner-in-crime: some people do not know the line regarding What to Say Out Loud. Ask my father all about this. His classic moves include but are not limited to"Oh, I've heard all about you!" to boys who DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT THANKS DAD and "Well, that's a lot of eyeliner..."

My friends' boyfriends seem to suffer from a great deal of this inner/outer monologue confusion. I've heard many stories like yours, Angry Emoticon, from my girls. You're not crazy for making an angry face for this.

But don't worry. I'm sure if you were, your boyfriend (ex? current? I'm guessing the former?) would inform you of as much.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

PS: I'm glad to see that you're not suffering from your period at the moment.

Dear Patsy Cline...

BA,

A friend was telling me how one of her guy friends (Matt*) repeatedly asks her "Hey, do you want to have sex?" since both of them are single. And she always replies no, and has informed him she will always say no. But he continues to ask every now and then. And I pointed out "the worst thing that can happen is you say no. If you don't say no, that means you say yes and he gets laid. It can't hurt for him to ask."

Then we were talking about how its been awhile since I've gotten any action. And she suggested I try the Matt* Method! Just ask someone single "Hey, do you want to have sex?"

I'm kinda thinking about it. If I ask in a half/joking, half/not-joking way I can get laid if they say yes, and pass it off as 'just-joking' if they say no.

Have I gone crazy?

~Just Askin'

*Name changed to protect Paul's actual identity

Dear Patsy Cline,

Yeah, you sort of have.

Not that I don't applaud your out-of-the-box thinking or your determination to keep romance out of this equation. However, I would hardly say the worst case scenario here is a negative response. It's a positive response--to a test at the doctor's office. You have no idea what kind of grossness a random single dude may or may not have. A lady** has to be cautious about who she sleeps with! I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex--go for it, have a good time--but I'm saying there should be a bit more of a screening process before you vacate your undies. Just like, you know, two or three additional questions.

Thanks for checking in on that one.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

**Or really anybody.

Dear Superfan...

Dear BA,

So, I've been reading your blog for ages now, and i've always enjoyed the advice you have given other ladies (and men) when they are in a tricky situation. Well i am in a situation myself. I don't know if I went on a date or not. about 9 months ago i started talking to a guy I met on match. We hit it off really well, went out to lunch and then he kind of stopped talking to me. Another guy asked me out and i said yes because well, the match guy disappeared. He showed up a few weeks later but i was already attached.

fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I was dumped, facebook statuses change and match guy starts fb chatting with me again. So we talk a bit and he uses the word "dear" with me, in the context of "yes dear" and "of course dear".

Well he rides motorcycles and i asked him if he would mind having a passenger before the weather got cold and he was for it. So yesterday was our set time to go. he is supposed to call me around 2/3 pm and i don't hear from him until 4. turns out he was in a car accident and his car is totaled but he still wants to go for a ride. So he shows up and we are getting ready to leave and he gets a phone call, and it turns out we are going to have dinner with his cousin and his cousin's girlfriend. Which i had no idea was going to happen.

So we go to eat with them and i feel out of place. I mean they talk about cars and motorcycles and people they know and i just kind of sit there trying to be a part of the conversation. He pays for dinner btw.

then "we" all go to the mall, not on a motorcycle ride like i was expecting (even though we rode the motorcycles to the mall and to eat). Match guy is attentive, and we talk/flirt. His cousin and girlfriend want to walk around the mall, so we do.

We finally leave the mall and the sun is starting to set and we go on a short (10 minute) ride before match guy takes me home. (a great thing about motorcycle rides is you are forced to hold on to the person in front of you, and i couldn't help notice match guy has GREAT abs.) But its not just match guy who takes me home but his cousin and his girlfriend also come along. So I take off my helmet, hand it back to match guy and he put it on (there are no helmet laws in Indiana and match guy let me use his helmet and he went without).

We stand around talking for a bit and then I go inside and I THINK i hear his cousin say "why didn't you kiss her?" they leave.

I am confused. Was that a date? or did he bring his cousin along so he didn't have to be alone with me? he did date things like pay for dinner and pick and drop me off, but the date moments were counteracted by all of the non-date moments.

I need professional advice, what do you think?

Love,

an avid reader.

Dear Superfan,

There needs to be a hotline for this kind of thing. The number of women wondering this same thing is absolutely ridiculous. Alternately, I would like a TV show about it...Mystery Date Squad...who follow you around and decide if you're on a date.

Anyway.

I'm not going to call men stupid (what??) but rather say that men are constantly making choices that women generally regard as clueless. (Example from your outing to follow, Reader.) It's very difficult to have faith in them sometimes, after dealing with so many Bizarre Life Choices. And so, so many of them seem to happen when debating whether or not one is on a date. Coincidence? Your call, friend.

I can see why you're confused. Lots of moments there point to Date. And popping back into your life out of nowhere? That's interesting.

I don't think he brought his cousin to make sure he wasn't alone with you. I would actually call this one more toward Yes on the Date Scale if forced to choose, since it was his cousin and his cousin's girlfriend.

Remember those clueless choices I mentioned? Here we go. Mr. Motorcycle Abs might have wanted to kiss you! He might have been working on that. Or maybe he wasn't. We'll never know! Why? Because his freaking cousin and his cousin's girlfriend were standing there providing you with a super awkward audience! Who is really going to go in for the first kiss in front of family and other people? Kissing is not a spectator sport!

Ok, so maybe his cousin didn't realize there was a Vibe and that he was totally stepping on Kissing Time. (Could I please capitalize more things in this post? I'll work on it.) Sure. Totally valid. HOWEVER. If you are aware enough to ask why it didn't happen, you should be aware enough to realize that you should step away for a sec. (Boys, get it together!)

All in all, I'm calling this a Pre-Date. (Capital letters just for you, kids.) An interview for a date. You can't really call it a date because there are too many weirdo factors at work. However, I'm not comfortable saying it wasn't a date, either. You and I both need more information. If given another opportunity to hang out with this guy (and you're feeling it), go for it. We can reevaluate after that.

Tell him to leave the family reunion at home.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear Interesting Name for Reader...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I just saw Waitress, a charming and funny movie about how disappointing life is. Adrienne Shelly was a talented filmmaker and I find it tragic that she is no longer with us today. There is a scene in the film where a cranky old man reads a letter from an advice column to the main character. I couldn't stop laughing. It made me think of you. Please, please, please give us your answer to this fabulously bitter letter.

Witty closing,

Someone Clever

p.s. If you have not seen this movie yet, do. RIGHT NOW!!

"[OLD JOE reads advice column for the lonely hearts] 'Dear Elizabeth. My husband fell in love with another woman from his workplace. I want to kill myself. I want to write the perfect suicide note to let him know how much pain he's caused me. I'm wondering if you can dispense any advice on composing a suicide note that would harm my snake of a husband and his slut girlfriend the most. Yours Truly, Betrayed In Biloxi'

OLD JOE: I love living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others."

Dear Interesting Name for Reader,

I am ashamed to say that I received your letter many moons ago. However, I was intent on seeing this movie before answering you. This letter was like my high school boyfriend's phone number: it was in my brain and if reminded that it was there, I could recite it. But until Waitress was on Lifetime the other day, it remained in a dusty box.

I suck.

However, I have seen Waitress now. Let's do this.

Dear Forlorn in a Film,

You are absolutely going about this the wrong way. This man does not want to be with you anymore. So clearly you deserve someone better! Any troll of a man who would cheat on his wife does not deserve a good woman. Killing yourself? Won't have the outcome you're hoping to achieve. First of all, you'd be dead. Huge point in the "negative" column. Second of all, he might be sad, but part of him would also be all, "Hey now, messy divorce proceedings? DONE." And then go home with his slutty coworker. (Who will inevitably leave him for someone with more hair, more visible abs, and more money.) ON TOP OF THAT, he will probably try to play the "Barbie McSlutty here was really there for me in my time of need when I was grieving!" card. Lots of people will probably say how brave he's being in the face of tragedy and how great it is that he's opening himself up to love again and other Hallmark card sentimental bullshit.

How dare you make his life easier for him.

No. That is not what you need to do at all. You need to make him regret losing you. You need to make him suffer. Here's what you're gonna do: You're going to look really good anytime you might see him or any mutual acquaintances. You're going to look so good that word of your hotness will get back to him. You're going to live your life for you and do awesome things that will make you so happy your horrible slimy ex won't be able to feel anything other than remorse. When your girlfriends gossip about him and his whorish new ladyfriend (taking liberties with the word "lady" here), you will sip your drink and feel justifiably smug that you got off that sinking ship before it was too late.

And one day in the future, when the stupid little tart leaves him and he comes crawling back to you? And you get to turn him down? A bruised ego limping away from you will be the moment you waited for.

Solitarily yours,

Bitter Amanda

Dear 60 Minutes...

Dear BA,

Sorry! Sometimes being male means you like to put in your two cents, even if its been said already!

-Andy Rooney


Dear 60 Minutes,
I find that totally unsurprising, though I appreciate the email. It's so rare that a man is willing to admit his shortcomings to a woman. Usually you let us discover them for ourselves.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear 15%...

Dear BA,

Recently I've read a posting of yours about how to read the minds of men... or perhaps it was about not bothering to read the minds of men. Likely, it was the latter. Anyway, your posting was in response to a woman who had been told that she smelled good by a man despite the fact that she was not trying to smell good. I suppose this posting begged me to respond as I may be one of the only male readers of your blog, and I have to say, I disagree with your preliminary analysis.

Thinking as a man who has used sample statements such as the phrase "You smell nice," I can tell you that is nearly always used as a lure. The same as "You look nice/great/pretty today," or "Your hair looks nice/awesome/sweet today". It is meant to see if the girl will bite at the compliment, repay the compliment, and just create a general awareness that there is some interest there. Men are trained to hide what they are thinking from everyone except for other men. In some cases, the more innocent the compliment, the more thought went behind it. So I have to disagree with you when you speculate that it is a man simply stating the facts. I would conjecture that men state facts out loud much more often when they DON'T like something and mostly keep the things they DO like to themselves, for example; "Dude, your farts smell like rotten cabbage and hard boiled eggs," or "That girl's voice annoys the hell out of me," with the exception to the rule being when something violent or competitive happens like "He just kicked him int he nuts! Awesome! OR when it promotes him in the current social hierarchy such as, "I can eat a whole pizza by myself!"

So I would have to say in an 85-15 split, in favor of a flirtation, that the woman who wrote you that message should wear some nice smelling things and maybe even some nice clothing in order to confirm the flirtation. The safe bet is that this guy will continue to compliment having an excuse now to compliment and thus more flirtation can continue and finally someone can sit down with the other someone and say, "My-oh-my you seem to have been taking a big interest in me. Should we have dinner sometime?"

But never forget that 15%.

-Charlie Chan


Dear 15%,
I am constantly surprised by the letters sent to me by men. Why? I'm not sure. But you all consistently keep me on my toes. I guess that's good, as I would have nothing to write about otherwise. (So...good for blog, bad for personal life? Hmm.)
I'm preeeetty sure I told Rose that her coworker was likely flirting. I didn't suppose that he was just pointing things out. ("You are wearing green today! Your hair is brown! The sun is shining!") What Rose hopefully took away from my words was that this gentleman didn't mean the other things she feared--such as, "You smell good because you do not smell like a dumpster today and that is definitely a positive change." Guess you should read all the words before you shoot off an email, huh?
While it is nice to know that there are some brave men trudging their way through my posts, be careful not to disagree with me if you don't actually disagree with me. (This is one of those things that would likely start a fight in a relationship and then guess who gets to sleep on the couch? That'd be you.) You'll notice we both lean towards this being a sign of flirtation, although you seem to think my reader ought to step up her game for it to continue, whereas I would like to remind everyone that in nature, it is the male who typically shows off and struts about to impress the female. I'm just saying. Let's not give this coworker a free pass on anything. Men may appreciate a little extra effort, but they are not alone in that.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Secret Decoder Ring...

BA,

I had a (recently single) male coworker tell me "You smell nice." Which took me off guard, because I wasn't trying to smell nice. I had showered the night before, was wearing clean clothes, and remembered deodorant that morning. So I don't think I was smelling bad... but there was no reason for me to "smell nice."

So here are the options:

1. I mysteriously started to smell awesome, which he kindly pointed out.

2. The coworker at the desk next to me smelled good, which was mistakenly attributed to me. In which case, he thought I smelled like a dude. Which would be weird. Since I'm a girl.

3. I work in gross places, so wouldn't be surprised if I get back to the office and smell like cat piss sometimes. Maybe he was pointing out "you smell nicer than your normally-foul just-got-back-from-the-

landfill" stench.

4. He was looking for a way to give a compliment... and what girl doesn't want to hear she smells nice?

So lets assume its a combination of 1 and 4. Did I fuck things up if, instead of just accepting the compliment, I stated "I don't think that's me. I'm not trying to smell nice." Because that's what I did. Which turned out to be an awkward thing to say. Do boys normally say things like that if they aren't interested in a girl? If I was trying to smell nice I'd probably just think "yay someone noticed!". But I wasn't, so I'm confused.

Am I overthinking this?

BitterAmanda I don't know whats going on! How do boys minds work? What was he really trying to say?! Please help decipher!

Thanks,

Smells like a Rose?


Dear Secret Decoder Ring,
Yes, you are overthinking this. That you've worked yourself into a letter-writing frenzy over whether or not a boy thinks you really smell nice? Means you are clearly overthinking this.
Boy minds? Work pretty much the way they appear. Generally speaking, the things they say are basically what they mean. Or a misguided lie, when they've royally screwed things up. So unless you've had a huge fight with this coworker recently and he's doing his best to make things better, then he probably meant "You smell nice." It's that simple. I've written before about the perils of decoding the words of men...they just don't operate the same way we do. Which, despite being a constant source of anxiety for many overthinking women, at least gives us something to talk about with our friends, I suppose.
That being said, I think it's safe to say that you just straight up smelled good. (This could mean that you smelled good on a normal scale, or that you smelled good in a non-animal urine kind of way. It's an odd scale to use, sure, but you never know.)
However. That he chose to voice this opinion is another matter entirely. There's the distinct possibility that he was attempting to flirt with you. And if that's true, that is awesome. Wanna know why? Because if you weren't trying to smell good and he still thinks you do? You would literally have to put in ZERO EXTRA EFFORT to continue impressing this boy! If you're into him and things progress? You can start wearing your sweats around him so much sooner than the average relationship.
You'd be living the dream, Rose.
Oh, and I would guess you didn't totally screw things up by blowing off a compliment. Fixable, for sure. (I mean, this is a boy we're dealing with here.) And if he was totally offended by your remark? Well whatever, he was probably talking about the guy at the next desk anyway.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Grammar Check...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

What does the phrase "My girlfriend used to be from around D.C." mean?

I know a boy who has a talent of referring to his girlfriend in the past and present tense in the same sentence. Yes I could ask, but I feel odd as we've known each other long enough that it's generally assumed that I know his relationship status. I wanna know if I can tap that without getting anyone in trouble.

Syntax Error


Dear Grammar Check,
This...is a conundrum. One can't change where they are from...so I can see where you're confused. The way I see it, there are three possible reasons for this kind of lazy sentence structure.
1. He is no longer with this mystery girl from the District. However, I would be hesitant to get involved in any tapping. If he refers to her often enough for you to see a pattern, there are still feelings there. The term "ex-girlfriend" needs to become a part of his vocabulary.
2. He is currently in this relationship and does not know how to string together a coherent sentence. This is problematic because...well, because I am a snob about the men I associate with and I think everyone should be. Particularly when it comes to men you're thinking of making out with. (Or women! This is an equal-opportunity statement, readers.) It is also problematic for you because it would mean he is, in fact, taken.
3. He is currently in this relationship but likes to maintain a veil of mystery about it. This third option is the most troubling. I know not everyone likes to publicize the details of their relationship...and that's awesome. But those people who are vague and tiptoe around the subject? That's just sketchy. Sure, maybe this guy isn't being vague on purpose. But to me, it kicks up a little red flag. Maybe a little, "I'm open to other things" flag, or perhaps just an "I'm a shitty boyfriend" flag. Either way, this option renders him a common douchebag and not worthy of your time.
Admittedly, not great options. Better to look for someone who paid attention in the 4th grade.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Smoke Monster...

BA,

Simple question:

I have all the best traits in the world to do with what I wish, but I'm not in a career and I'm single and that makes my parents unhappy. Do I drop my ambitions to see the world to find a career I don't want and meet a girl I have to drop my standards to be with just so I can be close by to a now happy set of parents? I mean, they did raise me. Pursuing my own ambitions seems to be selfish.

I don't know. Maybe it's not a question so much as it's a WTF moment.

-Lost


Dear Smoke Monster,
Oh yeah, that's definitely a great plan. Find yourself a mediocre relationship and an ok job and spend the rest of your life resenting your parents because you're only content. Spend your days in some cubicle wondering what your life could have been like if you'd done what you wanted to do. Settle for a very nice woman who frankly deserves someone who is totally enamored of her. Have a couple kids and perpetuate the "American dream."
Our parents are from a different era, where the thing to do was get a job and have Sunday dinner with your parents. (Alright, a fair share of them are hippies who HATE kids like that but clearly that's not what you're dealing with.) If that was what you wanted and it made you happy? That'd be awesome. But it's not. Maybe one day it will be what you want, but for right now, you're looking for more.
Yes, your parents raised you and you want them to be happy. That means they did a good job. But it's just as important to realize that they want you to be happy. And they DO NOT want you to have a midlife crisis where you leave your pretty nice wife, quit your pretty ok job, and decide that your calling in life is selling handmade keychains on the beach in Spain while you deny that you're going bald and wear clothes for a man twenty years younger. That's just sad.
Do your thing, if you can swing it (financially, etc). Better now than when you're aging and pathetic.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Lamp...

Bitter Amanda,

Do you want to come to the pants party?

Brick


Dear Lamp,
Are you trying to tell me that there's a party in your pants, and that I'm invited?

Because that is a terrible, pathetic excuse for a line. I'm sure there are desperate women out there with lower standards and this line, applied with whatever limited charm you possess, might work on them. But on this lady? Not so much.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda