Dear Awkward Turtle...

Bitter Amanda,

I like a boy. I think he likes me back. The problem is we are both socially awkward engineers, and we are both too much of a pansy to do anything about it.

Help! What do I do?!

Certified Socially Awkward Nerd


Dear Awkward Turtle,
This is a well-timed letter. I was just last night having a discussion with my partner-in-crime about taking initiative in relationships. The vast majority of women fall into one of thee categories: 1.) Take the lead or take a hike, 2.) I'm an independent woman and I'll handle this myself, thanks, and 3.) Let's just take turns on that because we all know it's tough.
I think it's important for both people to take initiative, although I'm not ashamed to admit that I (like many women) like feeling as though I'm being pursued. (You're an engineer, so let me give you some numbers to work with: I think 60/40 or 70/30 is preferable to 50/50.)
During our discussion, we stumbled upon the idea that your first serious or important relationship really sets the tone for your expectations. As a result, it's not always fair to the people waiting in our future.
However, you've got a smitten engineer on your hands. Back to work, hm?
Usually I'm a big proponent of a man locating his testicles and putting them to good use. But you're dealing with a shy engineer, and they're a difficult breed. Like an abused puppy in the shelter, you have to be careful about your approach. If they come up to you and don't get super positive feedback, they back off. If you approach too quickly, they spook. They won't try too many times if they're feeling rejected.
I think it's time for you to make a perfectly clear move and let him know you're interested.
Good luck!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bridezilla...

Bitter Amanda,

I'm tired of dating. I want to get married. I've tried everything to convince my man to pop the question.

I left magazines scattered around, open to giant, full-page ads for diamond rings. I hummed "Every kiss belongs to Kay" and every other jewelry store jingle I could think of. I tried to work jewel-related metaphors into every possible conversation: "I wish my hair were PLATINUM." "My cousin's favorite reptile is the DIAMONDback rattlesnake." It didn't work. So I tried reasoning with him: "Look, neither of us are getting any younger, let's just get married;" and I showed him a bunch of spreadsheets proving how much money we could save by living together. He looked at me like I was crazy.

So when all those plans failed, I went the passive-aggressive route: When he asked what I wanted for Christmas I told him "I want to die alone, in my parents' basement, covered in cat hair". He's still not getting the picture.

Is it illegal to drug him and elope while he's high as a kite?

~Waiting Impatiently


Dear Bridezilla,
Well, I can't be sure on the legality of your plan, since each state might have different-- ARE YOU INSANE? You need to tone it down and chill the hell out or you will die alone in your parents' basement, covered in cat hair.
Dating sucks. It's a pain in the ass until you actually have a decent date. I don't blame you for wanting to move on. (But marriage? Really? What, is that shit contagious? Everyone's getting married these days. No thank you.) Here's the problem I'm noticing with your relationship: your boyfriend doesn't want the same thing.
Either he's one of those perennial bachelors who "just doesn't see the point of it" (=fine now but sad in five years) or he doesn't want to marry you. This next thing I'm going to tell you, it could be the thesis of my opinions on relationships.

You deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you.

That could be said in most of the letters I answer. If someone leaves you or treats you badly, well fine. You're too awesome for them. Any disgusting toad who doesn't see that does not deserve you. You eat some ice cream, watch sad movies, cry on the couch, go out and say angry things with your friends--whatever works for you. Then you move on because someone more awesome who will appreciate you is out there. They're elusive, sure, but you can handle the challenge. Me? I'd rather be single than settle.

That being said, I will award points for your varied methods. I like the creativity! But you failed and that's why I'm here. I stand by my advice of moving on. And calming down about the wedding. ...And toning down the crazy, at least a couple notches.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Elementary...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm beginning to suspect that he might actually be an asshole after all... damn...

Sherlock Holmes


Dear Elementary,
No shit. Of course he is. I'm not sure who you're talking about or what made you think he WASN'T an asshole, but they usually turn out that way. Better to move on.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Toxic...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Recently there has been some discussion in the news about how smelly farts can help regulate one's blood pressure. Some stupid-ass study showed that the chemical that causes smelly farts relaxed blood vessels in mice, and scientists think it serves the same function in people. Well, this has led my boyfriend to the conclusion its appropriate to let one rip at any given time. "Its healthy!" he says. What he doesn't realize if he continues this behaviour, I might have to kill him. It would be easy to make it look like an accident; "Why, officer, I didn't realize lighting a match in his presence would cause all the toxic fart gas to combust..." Is there a way to curb his 'healthy' behaviour without ending the relationship or ending up in jail?

The Gas Mask is my Friend


Dear Toxic,
I have been writing and dispensing advice for 3 years now, and I believe this is the first farting question I've had! I'm almost surprised, since many readers write to me about man troubles...and we all know there is some sort of connection there. Every day brings new surprises, readers.
Now, as for your boyfriend woes. Why do scientists do this?? It's as if no one looks over these studies before they're published to say, "Hey, this might backfire." Ohhh, no. Not if it's in the name of science! They're all in the lab, chuckling over their newest discovery, saying, "This idea has no flaws! It cannot go badly at all!"
Enter you, with your smelly boyfriend thinking he's doing the world a favor. Typical. You could do something decidedly underhanded and female, like talking to a doctor--your personal doctor might have issue with it, but maybe you have a friend with a medical degree? Or one who has started medical school? Or someone with a white lab coat and messy handwriting? Perhaps you have a friend with questionable ethics who once played Operation and feels that qualifies them to spout medical advice? Have your doctor or pseudo stand-in doctor prattle on about your blood pressure being TOO low, as a result of being TOO relaxed. Sort of, "Wow, darling, your disgusting farts were SO EFFECTIVE! Way to go! Now please stop before I die."
If this seems too soap opera for you (well...teen soap opera, really...it's not that dastardly) you have two additional choices. One is to put all your cards on the table and flat out tell him you're offended. The other is...well, it's gross. But if he's taken a casual view of farting in front of you, you might as well reciprocate. Challenge his notion that women don't emit any foul-smelling odors. Let him know that if he's going to ignore certain (perhaps antiquated, but appreciated by many) male/female standards, you will too. He'll soon see the error in his ways.

Hopefully.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Jessica Fletcher...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm in need of some guidelines. How do I tell if I'm on a date or not? Is there a checklist you could provide me with? I'm trying to figure out if people just enjoy buying me beer lately or if there is something else going on here.
Thanks,
Not Opposed to Free Beer, Just Curious


Dear Jessica Fletcher,
"Is this a date?" is truly one of the most enigmatic issues plaguing the minds of single women. (At least, all the single women I know. FYI, this number is decreasing at an alarming pace.) If you find yourself in this situation, take our your mental magnifying glass and Sherlock pipe, because you are trying to solve a mystery. But what are the clues you're looking for? I'll try for a comprehensive list, ladies.

Bitter Amanda's Guide to "Is This a Date?"**
1. Did he pick you up? (N/A if your area favors public transportation)
2. Does he smell nice? (If he's a friend, does he smell BETTER than usual?)
3. Did he bring you a trinket of some sort? (flowers, etc.)
4. Does he open your car door for you or hold other doors?
5. Does he pay?
5a. If you offer to pay, does he still pay?
6. If you're somewhere with a bar, does he go to fetch your drinks?
7. Have there been any compliments?
8. Are you both engaged in the conversation?
9. If things seemed to go well, does he suggest seeing each other again?
9a. In conversation, does he ever drop comments about doing something in the future?
10. This one is tricky, since it's not specific. It's hugely important, though. Are you getting a general vibe of attentiveness from your companion?

If you said yes to most of these, it's probably a date. If you said no, then either he does not consider it a date, or you're having a really bad date.

Clear Signs You're NOT On a Date (Or Having a Really Really Bad Date and Should Sneak Out ASAP.)
1. He answers phone calls and texts that aren't important or time-sensitive. (See: "Hey man, what's up?")
2. He openly ogles or flirts with your waitress or other women nearby.
3. He talks about other women.
4. He is totally uninterested in you.
5. Your conversation is basically you asking him questions about himself because he isn't actively participating.
6. You'd very much like to drive a fork into your eye or fake a heart attack for an excuse to go home. This is also why it's wise, ladies, to have a friend ready to call you at a certain time, in case you need to fake an emergency. In the case of blind dates, have several appointed times. For internet dates who come without the personal endorsement of someone you trust, double security measures and have a couple calls, texts at regular intervals, and a friend on standby to come get you. However, you should have driven yourself if at all possible. Kids, this is how people end up on the news.

Things change slightly if you're with someone you are already friends with. In this case, you've got a good opportunity to compare his normal behavior to his behavior on your Is This a Date? outing. Lucky you, you can also compare and contrast his grooming and wardrobe for further hints. I have also left out anything about him getting fresh with you. These are not necessarily helpful. I've had great first dates where the gentleman did not attempt to kiss me, and I've kissed gentlemen whom I was not dating. It's something you should analyze on a case-by-case basis, keeping in mind you and the boy. I can't include it on my checklist, or I'd have to re-evaluate all my past dates. I don't have time for that. It is, mind you, a great Date Signal if there is physical contact, no matter how subtle it may be. (Consider that Bonus Item #11, courtesy of Mellow Matt, who was rather helpful in providing a male perspective.)
Hope this helps!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda
PS--If you're still confused, check his twitter when you get home. Clues!





**If your companion is a man.

Dear Magic School Bus...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I am currently sitting on the couch in my dear, wonderful apartment doing some ugh-it's-Sunday sort of work (ie grading and lesson planning). It's bad enough that I have to finish up a work-filled weekend with more work in preparation for a full week of work, but to make matters worse, hark, what do I hear? Giggles. And whispers. And more giggles. Followed by more whispering and further giggling... all coming from my roommate's bedroom where she and her (ugh) boyfriend are hanging out (ie doing gross things that I shouldn't have to hear). I don't really have a question dear Bitter, this was more of a rant... though I suppose any suggestions that don't involve buying a box of earplugs would be lovely.
Mz. Frizzle


Dear Magic School Bus,
There are few things more painful (and awkward, more often than not) than having to listen to other people's...activities. This is a major downside to having roommates. Early in my first year of college, my roommate M (if one must have a roommate, get a carbon copy of this girl) and I had a friend sleeping on our floor, having been turned away from her own room due to activities happening within. The next morning, M looked at me and said, "I am not sleeping on anyone's floor." Just as serious, I replied, "Neither am I." That was that. There was no further discussion. (Like I said, you want a roommate like M.)
As for your dilemma, I am afraid there isn't much to do, if you like your roommate and want to maintain your friendship. The precedent has been set, and as far as your roommate knows, you're Totally Ok With It. Unfortunate, maybe, but true. You could, however, do little things to make your apartment seem less "Let's Get It On." (Including but not limited to: altering your choice of music, watching any movies or newscasts about giving birth or STDs, and cooking with strong flavors. Be creative!)
Stay strong.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Interlude.

"My view is that very few human beings on this earth can resist the almighty compliment of their instruction being sought. The implication is, you prostrate your lowly self before their greater wisdom. People love that."

--Being Committed, by Anna Maxted

Dear National Inquirer...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

What if I started greeting my guy friends with "Hey there, studly."?

Inquiring Mind


Dear National Inquirer,
Their heads would increase to the size of parade floats and you’d be forced to deal with the egomaniacal behavior of a man who believes he is extremely good looking until the end of time. Be advised, this is not in your best interest.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Lance Armstrong...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Today I was thinking about that saying, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle," and I was thinking about this t-shirt that has this really happy fish with his brand new bicycle and his parents looking on... He may not need that bike, but gosh darn it if he isn't enjoying it. I contemplated this and came up with the following: I don't have a man, but I do have a bicycle. I don't ride it very often because, well, I just don't feel like riding a bicycle all the time, but I have lots of fun taking it out once in a while. Also, the brakes don't work very well, and I like to be able to stop. Anyway, it occurred to me that I would like the same things from a man that I would like from my bicycle namely, 1) when I'm in the mood, they should entertain me, and 2) they should always have properly working brakes. So, do you think that the quote has been misinterpreted all these years? Have I hit upon the true intended meaning? It's quite deep, don't you think?

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Maintenance


Dear Lance Armstrong,
I have never appreciated the whole fish/bicycle saying. I’m not one to side with men, but I think it is a trifle unfair to their gender. I won’t comment on the intended meaning of the saying itself, since I haven’t done the proper legwork. (Nor do I intend to. I’m an advisor, not an investigative journalist, kids.) I like your take on it, though. Standards are important in both transportation and potential mates.
I prefer to think of the saying in other terms. Rather than a fish needing a bicycle, I like to think of a woman needing a man like she needs a new handbag. She’s fine without it, and it certainly doesn’t serve any purpose she can’t handle herself. Sometimes they’re more of a hassle—you have to keep track of it and make sure it’s not out of place at your destination. Handbags are useful at times and good to have around, and they can definitely improve an outfit if chosen wisely. But, I repeat, she’s fine without it!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda



PS— [Fish shirt:http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=CG-FISHBIKE&Category_Code=CG]

Dear Show Boat...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

You seem bored, so let me shoot this question to you.

What is an unreasonable age gap for dating? Without getting overtly sarcastic or going to extremes, allow me to provide you with an example. Let's say that I'm 24. Is it okay for a 24 year old to date an 18 year old? How about a 26 year old and an 18 year old, is that a reputable couple? What if a person is 30 and dating a 20 year old? Is there an unspoken judgment somewhere that strictly says "No!"? Of course this includes only those people who are, of course, adults as defined by the law, I'm not asking for responses to questions that would go include anyone under 18. Is the chemistry between people the only thing that matters? I mean chemistry is fine, but a gap of six to eight year between people means a mess of developmental differences. In reality, an 18 year old who ACTS older really has a lot to go through still to BE older, and that only comes with time and experience. You can't fake experience.

Right?

What's your view on that one?

-Old Man River


Dear Show Boat,
Ok, I'm just going to put this out there at the start. You should not be dating an 18 year old.Alright, I feel better now. This is kind of a sticky subject. People who ask usually have a specific person or situation in mind, and inevitably don't like what they hear. (Picky bastards.) (Oh, not you, Old Man.) (Well...you might be. So far you're good.) There's no real rule or formula. I was once told the youngest a person could go was half their age plus 7. Following that, I could date a 19 year old. (He'd have to be a pretty upstanding 19 year old, to meet Bitter Amanda Standards.) But I think 19 is too young. This theory, along with all the others, is sketchy at best. My sister won't even consider anyone who is too young to go to a bar. Six years is a lot at my age, but thinking of a 40 year old dating a 46 year old doesn't even phase me. (Except that she's setting herself up for disappointment; a common theme no matter the age.)

For me, here's what it really boils down to: where you are in life. An 18 year old is dealing with, let's assume for the sake of me being right, finishing high school and going to prom and figuring out how to wear a mortar board without looking sort of goofy. (Hey grads, the answer is: you can't.) They are planning the next big stage of life, whether that's college or the military or a job or whatever. And that might sound a lot like your mid 20s, but ask yourself: do you want to escort your significant other to their prom? (Sweet, creepy old guy is buying the beer!) I don't know about you, readers, but I had one prom and that was quite enough. Do you want to take her to your office party? (Hey, the boss brought his daughter, that's sweet....oh, wait.)
When you're looking at age gaps, you have to forget the number (assuming it's over 18 for both parties, thanks very much) and look at where your life is. Chemistry is important, but if you can't have a real conversation and understand each other, you don't have much.

And no, you cannot fake experience. You can fake a lot of things--some people even fake whole relationships. But you cannot fake experience.

Finally, before I sign off, do not date an 18 year old. You're too old for that.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


(Bonus parenthetical insert!)

Dear Rover...

Dearest Bitter,

Oh where have you gone,
Sour relationship guru?
I miss your sharp wit.

Love,
Lord Byron


Dear Rover,
Apparently my credit card company expects me to send them money BACK on a monthly basis. Work has consumed my life. But I'm taking my own advice, and I plan on being all, "Hey, work, stop being so needy. Codependency is dangerous and pathetic. Sometimes I like to hang out with my friends and not check in with you."
True story.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Mariah Carey...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

In your latest response to Bill Murray, you encourage "harmless flirting". I want to know if such a thing truly exists and how one does it safely. Dear Friends of mine lead me to believe otherwise saying that no such thing can exist because every guy secretly wants to fuck you. Therefore, every flirt is hopeful. This news made me sad (and a little grossed out). Prior to this information, I enjoyed flirting for fun. It was like a hobby.
But then the a silly thing happened: I laughed in a boy's face as he was trying to kiss me (even you have to admit that is harsh [but if you were in my place, you probably would have laughed too!!]) and the Dear Friends dropped the no-such-thing-as-harmless-flirting bomb. I suppose it was kind of like an intervention. Am I a special case? Is my hotness so grand that I am incapable of flirting without causing destruction? Or are boys feelings really so delicate and all that machismo is a bunch of bullshit?
Please, Bitter Amanda, guide me to the truth!

Sincerely,
Heartbreaker


Dear Mariah Carey,
It does kind of gross you out, doesn't it? It often leads us, as women, to adopt a blanket policy of ignoring strange men in bars or the general public. (Quick note, ladies: this is usually better, since randoms in bars are seldom interesting men.)
I still say flirting can be harmless. Not in all cases, but definitely some of the time. (Or maybe I'm the special case. Not unheard of.) Sure, it will still lead to the occasional awkward situation. That's not going to change! I don't think that's any reason to stop doing what you enjoy. I would guess that for every situation in which a woman gives off leading vibes, there is at least one man misreading the signals, like your poor rebuffed friend. (Hey guys, a quick FYI? Just because you cornered me and I've been talking to you for five minutes does not mean I plan on sleeping with you. You're missing all the bored searching over your shoulder for my friends. Go away now please.) As for victims of harmless flirting, such as your trampled suitor mentioned above, don't worry about them too much. It's a learning experience! He'll replay it in his mind like a game tape and alter his plan for next time. You're helping to mold him into a suitable boyfriend for some woman! (They all need it.) How very humanitarian of you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Acme...

BA-

What's speed dating and is it recommended?
-Wiley E. Coyote


Dear Acme,
Ah, speed dating. I knew this would come up eventually. According to everyone's favorite information source, Wikipedia, speed dating is "a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people." But basically you're at an event with other single people (Well, people who claim to be single. I'm sure there are some non-singles who go, the assholes.) and you go on a series of short "dates" with everyone of the opposite sex. (Unless you're at a gay speed dating event, in which case you don't want to be on dates with the opposite sex.) I haven't been (surprise) but have heard from lots of people about it.
Do I recommend it? I'm on the fence. For me personally, I'm not interested. I don't really care about answering whatever inane questions the man across from me comes up with. I'm not really looking for a date, speedy or otherwise. For others, though, it's a different story. If you're looking to meet new people, it can't really hurt. It's more personal than internet dating, as far as I'm concerned. (Know instantly if someone gives you the creeps!) On the plus side, if it's a bad date--most will be, sorry--it's only two minutes long! You'll get a dud, sure, but that bell rings and he's gone. You won't have to arrange for a friend to call you and fake an emergency or find the quickest escape route! It's actually much better than most first dates, if you think about it.
So, kitten, I say to proceed with caution. If you decide to go, for heaven's sake think of some interesting questions to ask during your two minutes! Try to impress someone. Also, maybe take a friend so you can make fun of the losers together later.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Random...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I'm bored and ignorant. When are you coming back?

Bonsai Penguin


Dear Random,
I'm back now. Back to the frozen hellhole that is Michigan, after some blissfully warm weeks in Guatemala. Advice will resume tomorrow. Unsolicited advice for now: seek refuge in a sunny locale. It does wonders for the spirit.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Interlude.

Hey kittens--

Check out my latest over here for some important information regarding our relationship.

Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear MFEO...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

What the hell is going on with me? I'm so confused that I can't sort out the facts.

My life is wrought with stress, big decisions, a lack of certainty, and terrible situations. I hate my job, but I need to keep it. I hate my major, but it gets me a job. My friends aren't reliable, but I need them to talk to. And on top of it all, I'm not dating anyone.

With this whole mess of insanity in mind, tonight I began to think, "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to have something for certain?" and the first thing that pops into my mind is a person. I wonder, could I mend things with this person and get it back to the way it was? Is it possible? Is it just the familiarity and comfort I miss, not so much the person, and I'm turned off by finding it in someone else AGAIN? Was the familiarity and comfort something genuine enough that I really should get it back, or is this all simply a product of a stressful time?

Keep in mind, being with this person again would require a lot of work, and long distance commitment that would end, ultimately, worse than ever if it didn't work, and better than ever if it did... potentially. So in trying to mend things wouldn't I be taking on more uncertainty? What the hell???

I can't help myself right now. My mind keeps coming back to electricity and little details that I like about this person and miss, and I find it hard to understand why I'm not with her anymore. Like, why did I do that? Why am I doing this! Sort me out!

-Sleepless in Seattle


Dear MFEO,
Damn, you ARE a mess. Before you ask me any further questions (since you covered your quota in this email) you need to chill. You're gonna overthink it and that never goes well. (Ask any woman.)
I know that when you're stressed and feeling overwhelmed, it's easy to think about something good you used to have and pine for it. Sometimes, life is complicated, leading you to remember how good you used to have it. Sometimes, like with college, these things aren't in your life anymore because they can't be. (Both my college and parents made it pretty clear that once I was handed the diploma, I was no longer eligible to live in campus housing.) Other times, a person isn't in your life anymore because they shouldn't be. (See: ex.) Relationships end for a reason. Sure, some relationships find a better time or place for round two. It's usually in romantic comedies. (Usually a big letdown. Gross.)
However, it does happen! Sometimes people get back together. To figure out if this is wise, look at it this way. You know you miss that girl when you're feeling overwhelmed. But do you think about her when you're underwhelmed? Or just whelmed?**

Yeah, not quite the same answer, huh? She may have been familiar and comfortable, but it sounds like now it'd be a high maintenance, risky relationship. And then you'll be sending me more emails.
Do yourself, and me, a favor. Wait until your life and mindset calm down. When that happens, reevaluate this person. If you still miss her and think it's worth a shot, go from there. Don't make the classic mistake of acting under stress. Poor life choice.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda


**Note: only possible in Europe.

Dear Bill Murray...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I'm a long time reader, and I've even written before (Bill Murray) about the dreamy boy from out west who sends the unmistakable signals despite being in a long distance relationship. So I'm writing again, because the aforementioned gentleman-friend and I hang out all the time and have a great friendship... and admittedly there's still definitely some flirting business going on on both sides. Recently, however, my dear darling roommate cornered him in a bar while they were both somewhat inebriated. She made an inappropriate comment about his incessant flirting, to which he replied, "Yeah it's harmless, you know... but I do have a girlfriend." ::long pause during which roommate makes another inappropriate drunken comment:: "Well if I weren't seeing my MidWestern Slut (read: his current girlfriend), things would probably have happened already with X (read: yours truly)." Bitter, what am I supposed to do with this information!?!? It's pretty much worse than not knowing. Like, consolation prize, I kinda dig you, but nothing's going to ever happen because I'd rather have a long-distance-thing with this chick I like to constantly fight over the phone with (because there totally is a ton of regular over-the-phone arguments). So there you have it, why in the world are boys so lame? And why the hell do they admit things (things that you can't do anything about) that just make you feel sort of dazed and confused?Sigh...
Madame X


Dear Bill Murray,
Ah, yes, I remember your question! (Readers: see question here.) I'm sorry to hear that you're still troubled by this boy.
It seems to be a truly male quality to admit to things that you can't actually do anything about but that inevitably change things. (See: "I used to like her!") I don't know why they do this. I think in some twisted boy way, they see it as doing you a favor. "I'm not rejecting you! I know girls hate rejection! But this isn't like that, because I'm not in a position to accept you, either. If I WAS, I would totally be into you! " (Thanks?) As much as I desperately want to blame them for this bizarre behavior, I really think it comes from somewhere good within. Boys know that women often suffer from What Did I Do Wrong Syndrome, and this is their way of helping us not fall prey to it.
What they don't take into account is that combating WDIDW Syndrome directly leads to What If Syndrome, sometimes known as What Could I Have Done Differently Syndrome. (One of the main causes of long late-night chats with your BFF.)

Essentially, men, there's just no pleasing us. If you're a boy we like, and we are not in some sort of relationship with you, we will be in some sort of agony, self-imposed or otherwise.

Anyway, Bill, it sounds like this guy is going to stick it out with MidWesternSlut until things fall apart at the seams. (They will.) You should just be flattered that someone digs you, realize that OF COURSE he was into you, for you are fabulous, and move on to search for an available boy who recognizes you as the goddess you are. Feel free to indulge in harmless flirting, if you can indeed flirt without getting your hopes up.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Irving Berlin...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Your reader demands that you'd better
Remember to answer her letters
Or she's forced to write tomes
Of ill-rhyming poems
To ensure that you won't forget her.

-- A girl from the Ritz


Dear Irving Berlin,
I hope that you can understand
Ignoring you wasn't my plan!
Alas, now I see---

I don't have time for this nonsense.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Risky Business...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

When I mentioned to my male friends that my roommate would be away for a few weeks, the first conclusion they came to (each independently) was "Awesome. That means you don't have to wear pants!" This had not occurred to me as a "benefit" of having no roommate. (My first thought was, "Ooo, I can play my guitar really loud.") I recall other conversations with many of these friends that have started, "So I got home, took my pants off..." and "I was walking around my kitchen in my boxers the other day..." and other phrases to the effect that clothes explode off their bodies as soon as they cross the threshold of their home. I've found this trend crosses the many boundaries of nationality, religion, politics, economics, you name it, however it seems to be confined to the male gender.

I have several questions for you, Bitter Amanda:

1) Why do men think the first and best perk about not having a roommate is that I can walk around pantsless?
2) Why do they hate pants? I mean, society puts so much emphasis on "wearing the pants", and they go pulling them off as soon as the door shuts behind them. (Hopefully they wait until the door shuts behind them...). Could this be symbolic? Are they throwing off the shackles of the patriarchy?
3) If it is symbolic-- or even if it isn't, I suppose-- do you think I could get more of them to wear kilts? That would be hot.

Thoughts?
Amelia Bloomer


Dear Risky Business,
Ah, men. How I adore this kind of information. Just when we, as women, think that we've learned all the bizarre twists and turns in a man's personality...this. They come out with something we haven't heard yet.
In this situation, I can merely speculate about their motives. (I trust that even if polled, the men themselves would have no more logical an answer than I do.) The desire to be sans pants might come from some primal, caveman-like urge deep inside. (For some, not so deep.) Often, when I'm around men in suits (which does not happen as frequently as I'd like) they complain about feeling constricted by their duds, pulling at ties like they were slowly tightening of their own accord to strangle a well-dressed man. (FYI, guys, the tie isn't trying to kill you. Suck it up.) I suspect that the suits are just the tip of the iceberg. From your experiences, I'm guessing that guys just don't like feeling held down. Particularly by textiles.
As for your query about symbolism...well, that's a different story. As much as I would like to think they are, indeed, rejecting the shackles of patriarchy, I suspect that's giving them too much credit. You know how guys complain about women reading into everything? Because at the heart of it, men are really saying what they mean? Well...I think they just like to walk around in their undies. It's a spectacular notion, a nod to solidarity and the end of male dominance. Alas, they don't quite have it in them. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Kilts are wonderful things. Let us appeal to the vain, show-offy side of men and let them know we simply adore a man in a kilt. Anything the ladies love will be tried by at least a few of them. Success by the few will inevitably lead to more sheep joining the herd. Best of luck.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Hillary...

Bitter Amanda,

I met a man who is almost perfect. Intelligent, nice butt, funny, steady job, really great ass, good with kids, goal oriented, no criminal history. A really great guy. Did I mention he has a fantastic hiney?

Only problem: He's a conservative Republican. And I am a pro-choice, anti-war, raise taxes on the wealthy, pro-gay marriage, environmentalist, tree hugging hippy, hard-core liberal Democrat. We don't see eye-to-eye on politics AT ALL.

We're not currently in a relationship... but would we have any chance of making a relationship work? Or would or polar-opposite political stances destroy any chance of romance we might have?

~Found Mr. "Too Far" Right


Dear Hillary,
What at timely letter! Well done, finding a man you can tolerate being around for more than a couple minutes. Already you're ahead of the game. I can see your concern, though. Those are some serious issues.
If you dated this guy, a lot of that wouldn't really impact your relationship directly. (Providing you avoided all political talk.) I mean, he might grab more paper napkins at the movies than you'd like, but it'd just be minor stuff. It might work. But if things got more serious, your political differences would definitely throw a wrench in even the most blissful of relationships. (Yes, even though he has a fantastic ass.)
But hey...you never know! If you really like him (/his ass) and are willing to give it a shot, see how things go. Maybe you can be a model for a bipartisan government working in harmony despite their differences! You could win a Nobel for this, or something.

Just to be safe, make sure to grope the bottom you so adore on the first date, just in case you don't get another chance.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Meg Ryan...

Bitter Amanda...

So, there is this angry-dude who is convinced his girlfriend is sleeping with my neighbor. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, I don't know and honestly don't really care. However, angry-dude enjoys showing up at all hours of the night, screaming "open the f&#!*ing door now!" while trying to body slam his way into the apartment. Usually, but the time I wake up and realize what the banging is, the angry-dude is wishing STD's upon everyone and storming off.

Either he is smart, and doesn't stay long enough for anyone to call the police, or pretty-boy neighbor is intelligent, refuses to open the door, and threatens to call the police if angry-dude doesn't go away.

I'm torn between calling the police and minding my own business. From the sounds of it, pretty-boy neighbor has no intention of confronting angry-dude and keeps the door closed and locked. He's also a fully grown man and hopefully capable of calling the police on his own if he thinks they are needed. However, I don't want angry-dude to show up one day and successfully break his way into pretty-boy's apartment - I'll feel horribly guilty if something happened and I did nothing. Then again, I don't want to get involved, and my neighbor should be old enough to deal with his own problems.

I'd also really like to get a good nights sleep. Angry-dude has sort of been interrupting it.

Thoughts?

Sleepless in a City That's Not Seattle


Dear Meg Ryan,
Classic male behavior. Childish and jealous and absolutely devoid of any consideration for anyone other than himself. And then he wonders why his girlfriend might move on to another man. Like I said, classic.
Setting aside any thoughts on your neighbor and what he should do (like, say, man up and talk to this guy?) let's focus on you. By my calculations, you have three options for dealing with this precious gem of a man. First choice is to talk to your neighbor. Tell him that you hate to butt in, but the little problem at his door every night is disrupting your life. Second option would be to call the police. Yeah, yeah...nobody likes to be That Person. But if you don't want to deal with your neighbor (or if he doesn't want to deal with you) it's perfectly legal to call and say there's a noise disturbance. Anonymously. (You can totally do that. Don't ask how I know.) Behind door number three? Maybe this unsavory gentleman is available!

Nope, I don't feel good about that. Stick to one or two.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Magic Pants...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I am in love with my yoga pants. From the moment I first put them on I knew they were The One. They hug in all the right places while hide the flaws of my legs with their dark color. They are not too high at the waist, not too low; just right on the hip. And, they make my butt look amazing. They are Magic Pants. I want to wear them all the time, no other pants will do.

Crazy thing is, I don't even do yoga. Well, ok, I do pilates but it isn't the same thing.

However, I worry that they are too casual for work and other activities that require me to be in public. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Ready To Wear


Dear Magic Pants,
This is a serious dilemma. I completely understand the yearning for perfect, comfortable, soft cotton while in the ironed confines of work pants. Trust me, I feel your pain.
I had a friend in college who was getting ready for a presentation. She had to dress nicely but could not find her Adult Pants. Her solution** may help you here. She broke out the iron and put a crease in her pinstriped pajama pants. General theory in our hall stood that if she dressed well otherwise, it would fool her audience.
So, dear, iron a crease in your yoga pants for work. Have a look in the mirror. Are you fooled? If yes, then put on a work shirt and work shoes and you're good to go! If you're not fooled, then put on an inappropriately revealing top so no one will bother to look at your pants. Everyone wins!
Best of luck.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

**In the end, she borrowed my Adult Pants and subsequently looked better in them than I did, so I killed her.

Dear Bill Murray...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There's this totally dreamy boy who has told mutual friends that he's in an "open relationship" with a chick out west. That being said, the aforementioned dreamboat is sending some unmistakable signals. I, for one, do not want to get my hopes up for someone who is in a relationship, er, excuse me, I mean "open relationship"... but what exactly does this "open relationship" thing mean!?!?

Lost in Translation


Dear Bill Murray,
It means he can physically cheat on his far-away girlfriend but if it turns emotional she'll get pissed. At least, that's my general take on the subject. I can't say I know of any open relationships that work out well, but hey, I could be wrong. So, if you're involving your hopes, I'd stay away. Because even if he does make it past your Neanderthal Radar, if you get close and his western lady hears him talking about some girl named Bill he hangs out with, she'll get jealous and go crazy and then he'll have to decide if he wants to be with her or you or no one. And regardless of the decision, you won't like it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Hypothetical...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Let's say there was a guy and a girl that broke up, and I got to know the girl after. Now, let's say we started seeing each other, but then the guy comes back and wants the girl back. Say she didn't want anything to do with him, turned him down flat, and is now persistently annoying in his attempt to "win her". Also, let's say things are good between me and the girl, but there's added stress on the developing relationship because of the guy's behavior, and also that the guy annoys me to no end with this crap. What the hell should I do? Do I have permission to beat him up?
-Anonymous


Dear Hypothetical,
Guy sounds like a douchebag. If you break up with and then get rejected by the same girl (or person, really) you just need to move on. There's no sense in trying to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Why do that to yourself?
But back to your situation. If things are good between you two, you probably want to keep it that way? You could beat him up--what a typical male response. There are two possibilities. She could think you're her knight in shining armor and that chivalry isn't dead! You could restore her faith in men! Orrrrr...she could think you're a juvenile pig who can't handle things like an adult. You don't think she can deal with him on her own and she needs you to protect her??
See? It's tricky.
If his attempts to win her heart occur while you're together, you can certainly pull him aside and let him know that you're working your magic and he's ruining everything. Doesn't that fall under Guy Code? THEN (and only then), if he still won't leave her alone, you are allowed to consider the alternative. You might feel less like a man, but she'll appreciate not seeing the testosterone circus. And really, that's better for you in the long run. (ie Will improve your shot at getting laid.)
Best of luck, boss.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Gross...

Bitter Amanda,
I don't know what to do. I'm concerned about a friend. I hadn't had a chance to speak to her for a while, so decided to read her blog to see what was going on in her life.
She had an entry about photographing, scrutinizing, and making a flipbook of insect porn! She saw two flies going at it and documented the entire thing on film.
She's not an entomologist, and she's never showed an affiliation for bugs before. And clearly, no one sane (who doesn't study bugs for a living) would want to closely observe the mating habits of flies.
I think she needs some professional help. How should I approach her about this?
~Grossed Out


Dear Gross,
Oh, you're hilarious. I notice you sent this during office hours. Is this what you're getting paid to do? Does your boss know about it? Shouldn't you be doing something productive, instead of just being annoying and getting older? (Oh yes, I went there. You're old.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Manpet...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Would you pay for certainty whenever you wanted it?
-Manpet


Dear Manpet,
I'm only marginally employed, and this site does not count. So....probs not. Some certainties in life, however, are free: I'll share them now.
1. February 29th, presidential elections, and the summer Olympics always fall in the same year. This does not mean anything, but I like those things.
2. Taxes, if you live in this country. I'm not sure about other countries, so I'll stick with what I know.
3. Men are a serious, mind-boggling pain in the ass. No offense.
Also, something about death, but let's not turn this into a total downer.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Venus...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Why are boys so lame? I could probably break this question into about three or four hundred others, but honestly they all seem to stem from this one small truth.
Hoping you have some wisdom on the matter,
Definitively from Venus


Dear Venus,
You're damn right it's the truth. Dealing with a boy is like dealing with a toddler who has his own cell phone.
I can figure out their thinking, but it's not sane or logical. It's stupid.
Here's the problem: they don't think so. They are under the impression that everything they do is simple and rational. (What folly!) So they make a simple statement, and we think they can't possibly be that stupid. We search for deeper meanings, coming up either angry or empty-handed and then angry--of course. Why? There are no deeper meanings! (That we continue to look for them drives men crazy.) But we keep looking because we say to ourselves, "Well that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! He must have meant it some other way."
Pumpkin, I hate to break this to you, but I have to: if I had a definitive answer for your question, I'd have figured out a way to make millions. We're different, and men are wired for lame. That's about as close as I've come to an answer.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Apollo...

Yeah, I've read your bitching about "dating" and men and it's time for me to set you straight on what your real prob is... You want me. You hate it, but it's true. You need a real man, and I'm it. It's so simple.

Quitchyer fussin and fightin... surrender to your hunger... me.

I'm attaching a pic of me... your first dose of awaits.


Dear Apollo,
Well, thank God you've emailed me at long last! I've been waiting ages! *sigh* And in such a romantic manner...you sure have a way with women. I can hardly believe that you're available to be soliciting women on the internet!

Seriously? Couple things, really quickly. Number one, I don't know you. I couldn't possibly be in denial about wanting you, because I don't know you. Two, I don't suspect (based on your charming email) that I would want you if I did know you. And finally, you did not attach a photo. Not that I was anxious to look at it, but I just thought you should know that this rejection (and it's a very firm, solid rejection; make no mistake) is not based on your appearance.

Please cease and desist all communication.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Target Practice...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

I think my cupid's aim is off.

Say, for instance, I met a nice guy. Say he's intelligent, funny, good looking, etc. Say I can stand talking to him for more than a few minutes and actually look forward to our conversations. Say I have a mind to ask him out. Now. Why is it, at that particular moment when I've made up my mind to pursue a particular person, that some random friend/acquaintance/colleague (whom I've never had any interest in beyond being buddies and probably never will) starts making googly eyes at me/follows me around/asks me out? Bitter Amanda, why does this consistently happen? No sooner have I got my sights locked in than does some interloper blindside me with affectionate advances, startling me, screwing up my game, and making things difficult. The problem is usually exacerbated by the fact that the two people in question frequently know each other, causing all sorts of loyalties to be called into question. Why!? Why does this happen all the time? And what can I do to a) fend off the intruder (tactfully) while b) pursuing a relationship with my originally intended target?

Pheasant Hunting with Dick Cheney


Dear Target Practice,
First of all, if you've found a man that can be tolerated for more than a moment or two, this is a big deal. Don't give up just yet!
As for your dilemma, that's quite tricky. Let's start with other men noticing you after you've made your choice. I think that when a woman is interested in someone, she tends to walk a little taller. There's that lovely feeling of a new crush that hasn't let you down (yet) and you're seeing new shades of green in the trees and all that romantic nonsense. (Gag.) A confident woman is more attractive, so it only makes sense that when you're feeling pretty good, you're going to get noticed more. And while you're doing your girly strut thing (which we all do when we're interested in someone) while the friends of your desired are around...well, you see my point. They're going to be the ones who notice you. Vicious cycle.
One of the greatest and worst things about men is that they're blissfully oblivious. Knowing this, you should be able to tactfully ignore your extraneous suitors and play it off like you don't notice the drool and googly eyes. Act like nothing is different. Say things like, "It's too bad my friend _______ doesn't live here, because you're just her type." That's like saying ,"Hey, I'm not into you."
Then, just stay the course with your intended. I'm telling you, a boy who doesn't annoy you is a rare and mythical thing. You've spotted a unicorn! Keep tracking him until you can shoot him down to mount onto your living room wall.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Useful...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
Is it true that a kiss tells no lies?
-Manpet


Dear Useful,
Wouldn't that be nice? It would save a lot of trouble, if you could know where someone stood after kissing them. Then again, there are plenty of people who want a kiss to tell them a little lie. We kiss people for all different reasons, and they all seem to make perfect sense at the time. And while sometimes a kiss is the whole truth, sometimes...not so much. You can find in it whatever you're looking for. So if you really want it to, it can be the truth, even if just for a little while.
A kiss doesn't tell any more or less lies than the people involved.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear A/S/L...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

There's this chick, her name's Amanda. Sometimes I'll think things will be going great. Then she'll just...disappear on me.

Often she provides some sort of excuse that sounds legitimate, but I'm having my doubts. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

- I.M. LOST


Dear A/S/L,
Well, I'm sure she's awesome. I mean, hello, power name. But you sound rather clingy and needy, so she probably could do better. (I'm just being honest.) You've got two options, sport. Either man up and trust her or man up and trust your gut. Unless, of course, you want a really wacky solution, like talking to this wise young woman. Craziness!
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bobcat...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Would you like to go get coffee sometime?

Sincerely,
-Bob



Dear Bobcat,
I've been mulling over your question for a few days. But here you have it:

Why yes, I would love to! I love getting coffee. I'll be heading to Dunkin' just as soon as I finish this letter! Thanks for the suggestion.


Oh wait, were you implying that you would also be getting coffee? (I'm not stupid, readers, I'm making a point. Wait for it and try to keep up.) I checked you out, boss, and unless you lie to the internet, we do not live in the same place. Hardly close enough to drink coffee in the same building. But you were sincere in your effort (you even stated that!) so I'm going to thank you for illustrating something I recently talked about.
In my last response, I pointed out that men often rely on an "easy-out" date invite. This is a perfect example of that. (Thanks Bob.) Imagine that this happened in person. There is no timeframe involved, so I'm not obligated to actually make plans with the asker! I could say yes, but then if I walk away and didn't really want to have coffee, I don't have to return his phone calls/IMs/facebook messages/you get my point. And then, well, it sucks to be Bob. Better luck next time.
He does earn some points for suggesting a specific activity, though. It is infinitely better than an offer to "hang out." Guys, seriously, this tells us nothing. You're trapping us--the only way we'll say yes to that is if we really like you and don't care when you wanted to hang out or what you wanted to do. In that situation, you are a lucky man. But if we're kind of "eh" about you...well, we need more information. What if you meant hang out like "go see the new Batman movie" and I can't stand comic book movies? See my point? We don't want to get roped into some lame activity. (For the record: Batman was just an example. I love Christian Bale.) Moral of the story: when dealing with asking someone out, man up. Don't be passive about it, boys.


And Bobcat, I realize that you may not have written this to help me compose a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of lazy dating and the modern man. If that's the case, and you were trying to be nice, then I'm sorry. I'm not really into, you know, people. It's not you, it's your Y chromosome. No hard feelings.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Other...

Bitter Amanda,
Why is it that the last three people who've hit on me have:
-had a girlfriend,
-been married, and
-been engaged
What could I possible be doing thats attracting people already in relationships? Or do boys just hit on anything that may, on occasion, wear a skirt?
-Don't Want to be the "Other Woman"


Dear Other,
It's a widely discussed sentiment that men are cowardly and useless. Regarding asking women out, that is. (Ok, it's not just that area, but let's focus on one issue at a time.) They rely on a wingman and then throw out vague, easy-to-recover-from invites to "hang out." They have to be spoon-fed the idea that you're interested and in the end, we all but ask ourselves out! Delightful. Well done, guys.
So how come these guys are so open about their interest in you? It doesn't matter for them! If you say no, well, they just go home to their unsuspecting lady who can inevitably do better. Nothing lost! And if you say yes...SCORE. For them. (Not so much for you, since you're now a homewrecker, and definitely not for the girlfriend or wife. Because they've been fooled by this horrible manchild.)
So you're not doing anything wrong! It is, predictably, the fault of the Y chromosome here.
Such is life.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Sir...

I can't git marryed to my swethart cuz theres law ginst marryin yur sister. But I's don't see nothin wrung wit incest longs it stays in the family. Hows can we change the law so me and sis can tie the not? Iwnat to set a good example for our youngin's.
BillyBob


Dear Sir,
Yeahhhh.....I'm not sure you should be focused on changing laws. You would make a terrible politician and/or lawmaker. Those people possess many qualities that I'm not sure you've heard of, let alone share.
Clean up, get out of the trailer, and introduce yourself to the big world outside of your gene pool.
That's the only advice I'll be giving you, so I'd take it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Duh...

Bitter Amanda,

I was at a retirement party for a well-respected coworker - lots of people were there. Including a cute young woman I'd seen around the office and I had assumed was either a new hire or a college student interning for the summer. We ended up exchanging numbers, and hooked up a few days later (and by hooked up I don't mean "grabbed a cup of coffee" but "had lots of really awesome sex after grabbing a cup of coffee.")

Turns out she was NOT a cute new hire. It was the vice president's 18-year old daughter who just graduated from high school. I don't know what to do! I was planning on a casual summer fling (before I found out who she was and that she's barely legal), but she's already started talking about marriage and babies and hinting about "our future" together. And its only been two weeks! I don't think Mr. Bossman currently knows his daughter's banging an employee, and I only see two possible outcomes to this:

-Break up with psycho-girl, break her heart, and have Daddy-dearest after my ass for hurting his youngest child and only daughter
-Stay with psycho-girl to prevent breaking her heart, get introduced to the parents, and then have Daddy-dearest furious that an employee is banging his precious baby.

Either way it looks like I'm screwed. Is there any way out of this mess without losing my job?

~Work Booty is Bad Booty, and Learned it the Hard Way


Dear Duh,
Really? Work booty is bad booty? You think?
You might not lose your job, but there is definitely no painless way out of this situation. Which, by the way, you put yourself in. You should probably start, you know, finding out who you're sleeping with in advance. Just a tip.
There's no good way out of it. I shouldn't be helping you, jackass, but I will. Tell her this: you don't want to get in trouble at work because of your relationship. If she gets all dreamy-eyed "no one can come between us" crazy, then tell her it's because you care too much about her and you don't want to risk losing her. (A lie, yes, but sometimes you need to tell a helping lie.) If you can string her along until the fall, she'll head off to college and hopefully find some nice frat boy to tell her lies instead.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Bad Mommy...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

So I've been dealing with some health issues. And according to my doctor, the best treatment option is getting knocked up.
No, seriously. The first thing my doctor said to me was "pregnancy would clear this right up." And I do see certain benefits to this option: 1. lots of getting laid (the condition is also a leading cause of infertility... so lots and lots of sex would clearly need to be involved) 2. nine months without a period 3. i love food, and I'll be eating for two! 4. condition goes away.
The only problem I'm seeing so far is that pregnancy usually leads to infants. Which I'm not so ready for.
The problem is, my doctor doesn't seem to understand this. Everytime I go in, she's asking me about when I plan on popping one out. ACK! How does one convince their doctor they aren't ready to have an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina?

~Not Ready for Parenthood


Dear Bad Mommy,
I don't have to do a google search to assure you that your assumption is correct. Pregnancy does usually lead to babies.
As for letting your doctor know that you're not exactly ready to buy a carseat and a Gymboree membership, I'd say you could use the last line of your letter. Anyone who describes the miracle of birth as, and I quote, "having an eating/crying/pooping machine come bursting out of their vagina" is clearly not ready to be a mother. No self-respecting medical professional would encourage parenthood to someone with that kind of attitude.
Just go get some and eat a lot of pie. You'll like that more.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Julia Child...

Dear Bitter Amanda,
I've heard from numerous sources the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I decided to put this to the test and ask a certain good looking fella out to lunch. He said yes, we had a lovely time-- lively conversation, laughing, and an agreement to hang out again soon. Days go by with no call or invitation from this young man. Two weeks later, I summon the guts to once again invite the gentleman out for a meal. He accepts, and once again, we have an absolutely lovely time, and, once again, quite some time goes by with no contact. Tenacious gal I am, I propose another food oriented rendez-vous, which is, again, accepted, and again, a good time is had by all. There is no follow-up by the man in question. Disgruntled, at the end of the week I bake a batch of award winning brownies to assuage said disgruntlement. When I can no longer eat anymore, I call the lad, who agrees to take the brownies off my hands. I sip my tea as he polishes off my baked goods, and we discuss all topics great and small. And doesn't call me the next day.
Bitter Amanda, is this some bizarre shy-boy routine or is he just using me for food?
-Starved for Attention



Dear Julia Child,
Oh, open your eyes, woman! After a couple instances, I was still thinking that he needed to man up and grow some balls. But by the end of your email, my god! He doesn't need to man up! He's being PLENTY male in his behavior. You keep coming to him, sometimes with baked goods! He's playing games. A rational person would start reciprocating when it comes to hanging out with a new friend. But since he's a man, we clearly are not dealing with a rational being. He doesn't need to call you or show initiative! He's living the good life.
It says a couple things about him. You're not going to like this. First of all, he's not into you. If he IS, by some strange happenstance, then he sucks at life and does not deserve you or your homebaked goodies. (Or ANY of your goodies.) (You know what I mean.) Second of all, he's a total douchebag.
Now, it's not likely but there is a small possibility that I am wrong. Maybe he's just one of those really low maintenance friends, like my sister, who only needs contact every once in a great while? I call them Camel Friends. They don't think separation hurts a friendship, and therefore only get in touch when they realize it's been a long time. You can't be offended by those kind of friends. But you do need to test it out. Stop contacting him. If he DOES care, then after some time he'll call you.
But for heaven's sake, stop bringing him treats. You don't reward a dog when it shits on the carpet.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Abandonment.

Darling readers,

I regret to inform you that I'll be taking a three week hiatus from advising the lame, pathetic, and otherwise hopeless.


HA I so do not regret it. That was hard to type! I'm going to Italy for summer camp, kids, so write to Dear Abby if you're desperate while I'm gone!

Solitarily yours (but not until mid-July),
Bitter Amanda

Dear Clingy...

Bitter Amanda,
So, I emailed you not too long ago asking about greeting cards for STDs. I decided to do some research on my own.
The first web site that pops up for a google search of "gonorrhea greeting card" is titled FamilyFun... a Disney Family.com website. Twisted... but unfortunately the Disney website doesn't have any "sorry about that STD" cards I'm looking for.
~Still Itchy


Dear Clingy,
"Not too long ago"? Your emails came 34 minutes apart. Do you think I stare at my inbox all day, waiting for emails? Um, I have a life.
Get over the greeting cards.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Herp...

Do they make greeting cards saying "Sorry I gave you an STD?"

~Itchy in CT


Dear Herp,
Um, gross. They don't. Know why? Because that's the kind of card nobody wants. Just stick to the obligatory "maybe you should get tested" phone call and be done with it.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Distressed...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

Guys keep asking for my advice. Not just on appearance or video games, but GIRLS! I'm pretty obviously straight AND a tomboy, so it's hard to see why I'd seem like such a beacon of wisdom. And to make things worse, men I'm attracted to are also asking me for advice on other females. How do I make them stop?!
Yours,
Damsel in Combat Boots


Dear Distressed,
Bastards. Their asking you is actually kind of a compliment, in terms of cloudy, ridiculous boy stuff. I know, it doesn't feel like one, but trust me. Two options for you, Doc Marten. You can start giving really shitty advice, which will absolutely make them stop coming to you for help. Practice this line: "Tell that bitch she's batshit-crazy." That ought to cover most of your bases, in terms of advice. (Oh no, giving away my secrets...)
If you're not into alienating yourself from all your friends, then perhaps you should go with Option Two. Be more forward about your interest in them--then use THIS advice for them: "Tell her to leave you alone and then ask me the hell out because buddy, I will not wait around forever for you to get a clue."
Just remember this if things go well: getting a new boy in your life is like getting a puppy. You have to train him and feed him and clean up after him. It can get pretty gross. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Field of Dreams...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

My girlfriend keeps stealing my shoes. I bought these kickass plaid sneakers, and she thinks that just because she can get them on her feet and walk without tripping in them that she is entitled to them. But, Bitter Amanda, they are my kickass plaid sneakers. They go with my kickass plaid pants perfectly. And love them. I love them more than any other article of clothing I have including my lucky Red Sox baseball cap (which helped win not one, but two World Series' in the past 3 years). I love them more than chicken soup with rice. I love them more than- dare I say it- my iPhone. Yes, Bitter Amanda. I love my kickass plaid sneakers very, very much. And she keeps wearing them. How do I make her understand that my kickass plaid sneakers are not hers for the taking?

Shoeless Joe
Hannibal, MO


Dear Field of Dreams,
First of all, you should not be wearing plaid shoes with plaid pants. Period. Maybe she's doing you a favor because you're embarrassing her in public with your total lack of coordination. And because of that, she's probably a really good lady to have around. So help yourself out and do two things: go buy her a pair of plaid shoes in her size and then go buy some non-plaid shoes to wear with your plaid pants. Oh, third thing: chill the hell out.
And if I ever hear about you and your lady wearing your matching plaid shoes at the same time, I will make your life so miserable you'll wish you'd never written to me. Gag.
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

This weekend. Relay for Life. Dearborn. Ford Community and Performing Arts Center. Be there.

All the details you need.

Dear Dumbass...

Dear Biter-girl,
So, what the hell is wrong with my woman? She simply does not know what she has with me. Let me tell you about myself… I am a writer—a PUBLISHED Writer!
My acomplishments are second to none. I have an amazeing intelect and imagination. I can “go places”, DANGEROUS and intense places— in my mind and take others with me in my segas. I Know...pretty cool. I am a Graduate in organizing knowledge. I know things.
Yet my woman doesn’t apreciate what she has! She just stays an arms distance from me. Wouldn’t you just cling to me?? I mean, think of your man—the guy who helps you to post on this webpage and enters your emails for you—you obviously hold onto him, and do whatever he tells you, right? So what the hell is wrong with my woman?? Afterall, I am a PUBLISHED Author. Maybe I should have her come here and read your response—that will set her straight. Tell your boyfriend/husband to compose a smart response, and then keep your picture up there so that she thinks it’s coming from another woman. (You gals can never figure things like that out.)
R. D. (Author, Published)


Dear Dumbass,
I wouldn't cling to you if you were a lifeboat and I was a victim aboard the Titanic.
Couple things, cowboy. First of all, I do not regret to inform you that Bitter Amanda is not going to serve as a billboard for your "novel." Nice try. Secondly, you'll notice I've removed the numerous links to your personal website, as well as your full name. And while usually that kind of crap is to protect privacy, this time...it was because you are a douchebag.
What I haven't taken out are your myriad spelling and grammatical errors. I hope you have a good editor for that Published Work, since you obviously don't utilize the spellcheck function that is standard on any computer.
(Whew. I feel better having gotten that out of my system! You?)
Now, to tackle that question of yours! I do hope I can figure out where all the letters are on this typing contraption! What the hell is wrong with your woman? Let me see...this is a tough one! My my my. Off the top of my head, I'd say that she was going through a mild out-of-body experience when she agreed to go out with you and has not yet found a polite way to get rid of you.
Right now, I want you to do exactly what you decided and let her read my answer:

Alright, lady, listen up. You need to get out and you need to get out now. I don't know you, but you deserve better. I mean, what's waiting for you in this relationship? A dedication in his lackluster sequel? Come on. Get your thesaurus, look up the words in a common break-up speech, find the biggest ones you can, and then deliver the wordiest Dear John letter possible. While he's struggling to figure out what you mean (and trust me, he will be) you get your things and you get out. Now let him back here to read the rest of my letter and start composing!

Alright big guy, I think we got her! *wink*
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

Dear Lynyrd Skynyrd...

Dear Bitter Amanda,

As a young lady, my grandmother went out on dates with quite a few attractive young gentlemen before marrying my grandfather. They took her rollerskating, to concerts, to dinner and to other venues where fun is had. They were cordial for the most part, and (except for that obnoxious one that wouldn't take a hint, who she was forced to push down the stairs) expected little more than an enjoyable evening out. There was a distinct lack of pressure to see the same boy from week to week, and it was not frowned upon to see two different boys in the same weekend. Why have things changed, Bitter Amanda? Why must everyone be so serious? Why the push from some innocent flirting and a nice skate around the roller rink to one-and-only-even-though-I-just-met-you-last-week type thinking? Can't a girl just get some ice cream with a nice young man with out him demanding sole ownership of her affections?

A Free Bird


Dear Lynyrd Skynyrd,
If only. My grandmother's diary (I had to pick the lock to read it. Totally worth it.) is full of stories about going out with various men and makes it sound very casual and fabulous. Sure, she swoons over them in print, but it was really very innocent. I don't know why we've gotten away from that. I'm willing to blame men, though. And sex. I'm fairly certain my gram wasn't banging every dude she went to a movie with. (If she was, she did not journal those particular events. Thank you for that, by the way.) People are having sex earlier in the relationship, which is fine. Have at it! Go nuts. Whatever. Go away.
I'm definitely not against sex. (Just not in public. Keep that shit at home.) It just turns our options into Serious Relationship or Casual Sex. Where is the Casual Relationship? It gets lost. (I guess you could also ask where the Serious Sex is. But that is not something I have an answer for, unfortunately.)
Men, I implore you: casually date. It's ok! Women will accept! Just don't make us push you down the stairs. (You go, grandmas of the world.)
Solitarily yours,
Bitter Amanda

PS--Yes, am burning journals when I reach old age. *ba